A parent will make the decision she believes is necessary for the child’s welfare, no matter how unpopular the decision, no matter who stands against her, and with the full knowledge that the consequences to her will likely be unbearable.

There are always exceptions to the rule, and perhaps you have one of those situations. It sounds like you respect her a lot, which makes a difference. It also sounds like she can put the “parent hat” on easily enough. So in that case, any friend-like behavior doesn’t seem to be diluting her role as your parent.

It gets to be a slippery slope when the ability to be the parent gets drowned out by the friend role. If you and your mom find this area easier to navigate, then you may avoid many of the problems of this situation. However, in many cases, the parent who focuses on a friendship ends up with less influence when it really counts.

Thanks a lot for your comment, sarabeara.

Many parents work and people are so busy that there is no time to prepare parenting strategies. Parents who are exhausted and preoccupied with work demands do not have the energy or inclination to be consistent and they are overloaded with guilt for not being emotionally available to their kids.

Yes, the reacting is so much of the problem, especially if you know (like you do) that you have a kid who is “acting” a lot themselves. When you mostly react, you give up a lot of your rightful power right out of the gate. Some reacting is normal and unavoidable. But as a matter of habit, it can be a problem. You are then seen as powerless by definition, so your kids don’t expect to see you act. They perceive (accurately) that they are in control, and you are not. And so it goes.

Great for you to pick up on this. I think particularly active kids catch parents off guard a lot. But every kid has some trouble areas that you can learn to anticipate. That’s the parenting part – kids don’t have those controls and we have to teach them. When we help them manage it by anticipating, they can learn to anticipate their own problem areas better.

Thanks so much for your comment!

…

That line really struck home. As I go through my everyday activities with my almost-five-year-old son who has mild special needs (diagnosis still pending), I have learned that I absolutely HAVE to anticipate behavior problems and act to prevent them. The actions I take include talking with my son about expected behavior, physically holding his hand in situations where I know he is apt to run off, and following up on consequences, both positive and negative. I think my son is actually training me to be a good parent. If I just wait to respond to problems, I certainly pay for it, with disasters you can only imagine (hint: he is hyperactive, loves stimulation and taking risks, and has terrible judgment).

If I had had my more easy-going younger son first, I might have fallen into the reactive parenting trap and had to relearn a lot of things with the harder-to-manage child.