I started out my mental health career as a family counselor, logging many hours on the road doing in-home therapy. Although I do different therapy now, that time as a family counselor taught me so many lessons. These were some tough situations, and I still think about these families from time to time.
One thing that struck me was how parents sometimes turned into a wet noodle in front of their children. They threw out some strong words, but then took themselves out of power in a matter of moments. They responded rather than acted. They behaved as if they and their children were peers. And also, they were simply doing the best they knew how as parents.
Parents As Friends
One disturbing issue I’ve seen more frequently is the “parent as friend” situation. Parents let their kids do whatever they want because there are fewer arguments this way. Parents talk about adult issues with their children, using them as a confidant. Divorcing or separating parents make the oldest child their pseudo-adult companion. Parents enthrone their children’s wants more than their needs and become a “favorite parent”. I had one parent tell me how they weren’t supposed to “provoke their son into anger”, citing scripture to back her up.
Kids need parents and want boundaries. When a kid’s parent acts like their friend, they actually lose a parent in the process. Who can they count on to show them healthy limits? Who can they depend on to show them the right way when they’ve done wrong? Who will be there to both forgive and teach when they make a mistake? A parent who acts like a friend isn’t doing any of these things.
You Can Reclaim Your Rightful Position As Parent
I know that this list above might strike a few of you the wrong way. Perhaps you’ve done one of these things yourself, or had a friend act this way for a while. It’s something that can be corrected and changed, but you might have to suffer the consequences for a while. Kids are not often rational creatures. They are creatures of habit, emotion, and self-focus. None of these are bad things, just kid things. Kids need the steady strong presence of a parent who will stop them in their tracks, let them rant and rave, and still be standing there when the kid needs a hug.
If you have had trouble like this, it’s not too late to make a change. Find a good parenting friend or your spouse to help you out. Observe yourself and understand when you cave in or cross into “friend” territory. Take note that an emotionally available parent is not being a friend. They still have the “parent hat” on the whole time. If things are really out of balance, you may need to get help from a family therapist.
What do you think? Have you sometimes been too much of a friend to your child, not the parent they needed? What did you do to turn things around?
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Anonymous (May 8, 2009)
From Psych Central's :
7 Myths of Perfect Parenting | Psych Central (August 21, 2009)
They responded rather than acted.
That line really struck home. As I go through my everyday activities with my almost-five-year-old son who has mild special needs (diagnosis still pending), I have learned that I absolutely HAVE to anticipate behavior problems and act to prevent them. The actions I take include talking with my son about expected behavior, physically holding his hand in situations where I know he is apt to run off, and following up on consequences, both positive and negative. I think my son is actually training me to be a good parent. If I just wait to respond to problems, I certainly pay for it, with disasters you can only imagine (hint: he is hyperactive, loves stimulation and taking risks, and has terrible judgment).
If I had had my more easy-going younger son first, I might have fallen into the reactive parenting trap and had to relearn a lot of things with the harder-to-manage child.
Ginko100,
Yes, the reacting is so much of the problem, especially if you know (like you do) that you have a kid who is “acting” a lot themselves. When you mostly react, you give up a lot of your rightful power right out of the gate. Some reacting is normal and unavoidable. But as a matter of habit, it can be a problem. You are then seen as powerless by definition, so your kids don’t expect to see you act. They perceive (accurately) that they are in control, and you are not. And so it goes.
Great for you to pick up on this. I think particularly active kids catch parents off guard a lot. But every kid has some trouble areas that you can learn to anticipate. That’s the parenting part - kids don’t have those controls and we have to teach them. When we help them manage it by anticipating, they can learn to anticipate their own problem areas better.
Thanks so much for your comment!
I think parents wanting to be friends with their kids is one of the major problems of this generation. I think this creates a lot of anxiety for the kids, they don’t have the safety of limits and boundaries which need to be set by parents.
Many parents work and people are so busy that there is no time to prepare parenting strategies. Parents who are exhausted and preoccupied with work demands do not have the energy or inclination to be consistent and they are overloaded with guilt for not being emotionally available to their kids.
Having spent a majority of my career doing similar work: in home counseling and social work with children and families living in poverty in the Ozark Mountains, I can completely relate to what you’ve written. And sadly, when the family finally figures out that their ways of interacting with their kids aren’t working, they call in the counselors to “fix my kid.” They’ve given up on their kid and don’t want to admit how their parenting style may have influenced their child’s behavior. It is hard to “fix” the child when the parent doesn’t want to be involved.
i disagree. i am an oldest child with 2 younger siblings, 17 years old and my parents are divorced. my mom left all her family behind in egypt when she got married and came here and now i am her closest friend. im not one of those teenage girls who really needs to be disciplined, i do well in school, i have values and i am probably harder on myself than my mom is. i like it when my mom confides in me because i feel respected which i guess lots of kids don’t by their parents. also i don’t feel that i’m lacking any care or anything. She makes it very clear to us what is acceptable and what isn’t, and the reason im probably a lot less rebellious than other people my age is because we have such a good relationship. so i don’t see what’s wrong with parents being friends with their kids and confiding in them…
sarabeara,
There are always exceptions to the rule, and perhaps you have one of those situations. It sounds like you respect her a lot, which makes a difference. It also sounds like she can put the “parent hat” on easily enough. So in that case, any friend-like behavior doesn’t seem to be diluting her role as your parent.
It gets to be a slippery slope when the ability to be the parent gets drowned out by the friend role. If you and your mom find this area easier to navigate, then you may avoid many of the problems of this situation. However, in many cases, the parent who focuses on a friendship ends up with less influence when it really counts.
Thanks a lot for your comment, sarabeara.
The difference between a parent and a adult friend:
A parent will make the decision she believes is necessary for the child’s welfare, no matter how unpopular the decision, no matter who stands against her, and with the full knowledge that the consequences to her will likely be unbearable.
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