Healthy family dynamics help keep kids and parents running on the right track. Parents are in charge, kids follow until they leave the nest. Parents take care of parent issues, kids come to parents and don’t run the show. That is, until a divorce or long separation takes place.
When this happens, the family dynamics can get all turned around. An oldest son might be expected to be the “man” of the family for a while. Or they may simply go into that role believing it would help. A daughter might become a close confidant (friend) of a mom who’s been left behind. A dad and daughter may act more like companions after mom has moved out. All of these arrangements can cause kids to leave their childhood behind before they are ready.
No matter how amicable a separation or divorce may be, such a huge change has inevitable impact. Where there was someone taking a role before, now there is no one. Or there is someone, but they are different (girlfriend, new spouse). This different person may or may not be well liked by all the kids or parents.
In cases where this goes as well as possible, the negative impact makes a less damaging blow. Don’t underestimate a child’s sense of loss when this happens. But overall, they have a better chance of making the adjustment. Openness and free expression of emotion help the child keep their footing.
If there has been a lot of yelling, cold silence, slamming doors, name calling, or other ongoing drama, a separation or divorce is likely to be more difficult. For a child, the atmosphere doesn’t feel too safe. They might hold back their feelings to not upset others. Or, they might get out of control and start acting out themselves. Family dynamics like this can cause a child to stop in their tracks with emotional development.
When a child loses their sense of security at home because of dramatic change or loss (for whatever reason), there is a good chance they could become stuck emotionally. If a divorce happened when they were in elementary school, they might be stuck on attention seeking behaviors into their adulthood. If the separation occurred during middle school years, they might keep many of their teenage traits or thinking patterns.
With good family or individual therapy, a child with this much adjustment can move forward and regain their sense of trust and security. However, if this strained period of time is simply pushed under the rug, it can surface again when adult concerns arise. Their teenage or childhood coping skills won’t serve them as well, and they can be more prone to depression or anxiety.
You know, divorce and separation happen. Sometime things really turn out OK and sometimes they don’t. In any case, just know that disruptions like this can keep a child frozen in a certain emotional age. Be sure you allow them ways to communicate with you and express themselves. This may not change the family situation, but it can help them get through it with you.
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From Psych Central's World of Psychology blog:
Divorce Hurts Not Only Emotionally, But Also Physically | World of Psychology (July 28, 2009)
My husbands health is very poor. He has severe
mood swings. I have tried talking with him
about it. But he doesn’t realize it happens.
My family is on tip toes. We never can tell
what to expect each day. There are days he wants
me to be out of his sight. Other days I am the
best. How does one deal with something like this?
Any suggestions would be greatful.
Sounds as if he is suffering from some sort of mental lllness such as bipolar or personality disorder. My husband was this way. It went from walking on egg shells to violence and we (the kids and I) had to get out. It felt so good to be and feel safe. You can continue as is if he won’t get help, or you can choose to break the cycle (if there is abuse emotionally or otherwise. The choice is up to you, but counseling for you and the kids is a great start. For me, I had to break the cycle of abuse lest the children follow in the cycle and end up abusing or marrying an abusive person. Mental illness is tough. Said a prayer for you today.
My seperated husband refuses to see our 7 year old. I have not bad mouthed him, & I have told him he can see her & call her anytime. Our daughter is getting very sad at times wondering why “daddy” has just left her. He also refuses to pay one dime for anything. She does NOT know that. I keep as much adult stuff away from her that I can. Any advice on what to tell her besides it is NOT her fault? She communicates her feelings to me very well. I am thinking of taking her to a prof. to talk to. Thanks.
Heather,
You are doing all the right things so far. Despite how frustrated you are, you are leaving the door open for him to come through it again. It sounds like your daughter does well sharing with you. Tell her it’s OK to feel sad, and you are sad to see her that way also. That’s honest and that’s what it’s about.
Be sad together for a little while in the moment, tell her it’s not her fault, then teach her how to lift her mood by doing something she likes - dancing, reading, singing, drawing, whatever. She will need this skill all of her life for many things - being honest about her feelings and DOING something to feel better again so she can move on with life. Unfortunately she needs to learn it well right now.
The point is she is probably going to have this sadness in some way for a very long time. Nothing anyone is going to do will take that away from her. Actually, the one person who could best help her out refuses to be involved. So, you need to help her cope with it, which she seems to be doing.
I’m not saying don’t see a professional - you know her situation better than I do. But it’s pretty normal for her to be sad about this. If you see her not coming out of it for days or more hours than not during the day, or she refuses to participate in her usual things, or her sleeping and eating patterns seem to get off, problems in school, then she may be developing a bigger problem. That’s certainly time for a professional.
But if she is processing this sadness with you clearly, tries other healthy things when she’s sad, and she keeps going with her usual activities that she loves, then you may do just fine as you are. Of course, as she gets older she’ll reprocess this again and again with her development stages (like upper elementary school, preteen, teen years). Her ability to process this may stay OK, or she may need more help. Just always keep your message consistent like you have.
Be sure she has some other caring men in her life. It isn’t a substitute for dad, but she needs that healthy male person/people that she can really count on and do things with.
Hope that helps, and write back if you have more questions. And I hope her dad chooses to be a part of her life again.
My husband and I have been separated for almost six months now and it has been tough. I myself have been getting some counseling, but I am very worried about my five year old daughter, she constantly cries for her dad and wants to see him. Her father lives in another country and we live in the states, but I am afraid to let her, because since he’s left, he only phones when he’s drunk. Personally, I don’t think that’s healthy for her and sometimes I feel guilty for not letting her see her father - it’s because I don’t trust. Am I doing the right thing for not letting her got to see and spend some time with her dad? we also have a year old son and barely spent time with…
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