Parenting can be so difficult when you use too much of a good thing and not enough of another.  I’m taking a cue from one of my fair readers who commented on the mother-daughter post a few days ago.

It’s about being too strict or too lenient, and then finding yourself on the opposite extreme end trying to make up for it.  I understand this well.  While I do believe I generally ride down the middle of these lines, I know when I start feeling like I’m too far in one direction.

As I’m writing this, I realize what’s driving my swing in either direction - emotion.  I’m not sure if this is what you would relate to, but my first sense was that I over-corrected because of my emotional state.  When I get too much crabby drill sergeant going on, I start to feel guilty that I’m being unreasonable.

In order to “make up” for going overboard, I make greater allowances and go soft for a little while.  You know, it’s the least I can do after they suffered me.  Do you see where this is going??  When I get my mood out of the way and focus on the big picture, I can get things back to a good balance.

I think every parent does this to some extent.  I mean, we are all human and we all get swept up in our emotions.  That’s very normal, so don’t go beating yourself up if you do this sometimes!  But do pay attention to whether this is a “sometimes” kind of thing or a “most of the time” kind of thing.

Do your kids live by two sets of rules - one for when mom or dad are too easy-going and one when mom or dad is uptight and demanding?  If you think this might be to similar to your own situation, don’t panic.  Take a few days to pay attention to your mood swings and how you handle them.

If …

The more I have learned about postpartum depression, the more I realized how much misinformation is out there. Television, magazines, and the Internet continue to over dramatize and politicize postpartum mental disorders. Or, they are completely dismissive of new mothers truly concerned about their mental health. Right now, I’ll just take you through a comparison of two very common postpartum mental conditions. Let’s keep this simple and easy.

Postpartum depression meets all the basic criteria of clinical depression. This includes any five of the following symptoms: feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in usual activities, significant weight loss or gain, significant appetite change, sleep problems (too much or too little), loss of energy, either feeling too keyed up or too slow, feelings of self loathing and negativity, problems with concentration, decision-making, and clear thinking.

Along with those symptoms, a mom with postpartum depression may turn some of her negativity or loss of interest towards her baby.  Oddly, many of the above-listed symptoms are very normal in the first several weeks following childbirth. What new mom hasn’t struggled with their sleep, had some loss of energy, and had significant weight change?  The similarities can make postpartum depression somewhat tricky to diagnose.

Baby blues consist of tearfulness, some mild sadness or an overwhelmed feeling, and last just a few weeks after childbirth. A difference between baby blues and depression is that the baby blues usually starts a few days after birth, and depression may not set in until a few weeks or months later.

Certainly, depression can set in very early, but true baby blues simply don’t last that long.  You know you have depression when you just can’t shake those feelings and they seem to get worse.

To add a few personal details, I didn’t notice the odd depression symptoms until about two months after giving birth.  I noticed that my calendar in my mind was a big white blank wall for anything more than five minutes into the future.  Also, I tried just …

In honor of my oldest daughter’s birthday earlier this month, I’d like to do a shout-out to all the moms out there.  The title of “Mom” is both common and unique at the same time.  Caring moms are all over the planet, but each one is the most important person mom in the world to their children.

Now that I’ve been on both sides of the Mom coin, I can appreciate this so much better.  I mean really, who else would put up with someone throwing up on her shoulders every day?  And I’m virtually certain there must be a bank of “sleep Mommy never got” up in heaven, so I’m counting on some nice long naps after I leave this earth.  Moms put up with a lot, but the rewards they get - a toothless smile, a loving hug, a “thanks” - are priceless.

Those special coos and soothing little mommy sounds - they are a lullaby for babies and little children.  Mommies are walking comfort blankets.  When moms and their children develop a bond, nobody quite measures up to Mommy.

Thankfully, this essential bonding doesn’t just happen between biological mothers and their babies.  Adoptive moms, grandmothers, or other special caretakers may become the mommy for a child.  Just giving birth doesn’t automatically make you a mommy. Being the woman a child counts on for security, acceptance, love, affection, help, safety, and learning - that’s how kids know who their mommy is.

A good mother-child relationship is built on warmth and being around each other a lot.  Typically, moms do hands-on nurturing like kissing boo-boos, fixing hair, making favorite foods, changing diapers, being a lounge chair for a child who’s sick, being with a child during the night shift over and over.  Moms develop their bonding relationship with their children through these activities.  I can recall many occasions where my mother did that with me, and that I have done with my three girls.  It’s those little things that add …

Do you know a helicopter parent?  They tend to hover over their child out of concern that something bad might happen.  While it this may be appropriate when a real threat seems nearby, some parents take it all the way.  They continue the hovering long after the child is in diapers, long after their days of toddling around the living room, and long after they are ready for school.  Who are helicopter parents really protecting?

I’m reminded instantly of Nemo’s dad in the Disney movie, “Finding Nemo”.  Dory insightfully points out that if Nemo’s dad never lets anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.  Food for thought as we consider how our culture has shaped parenting.

The news seems to be full of warnings about every possible danger in the home and out.  I’m not discounting real hazards, just pointing out that drama sells.  parents already inclined towards anxiety have so much more information about all the possible hazards, they need something to fight back with.  Supervision and worry.

Helicopter parents fret about germs, the hazards of kickball, their child’s self esteem in school, and anything potentially stressful.  They cringe when their child climbs on the monkey bars, gets nervous when their child is upset, and defends their child from criticism.

Do you notice some of the words I used?  Fret, hazards, stressful, cringe, nervous, upset, defend.  Those words distill the emotional base of a helicopter parent.  They overprotect their child to protect themselves from feeling fear and anxiety.  If they can keep their kids totally safe from harm, they can feel safe too.  They can create a cozy box of comfort for themselves and their child.

Helicopter parents translate their anxiety to their child.  Ironically, the anxiety these parents attempt the quell by hovoring can make kids feel less emotionally safe and secure.  A breeze could be bad because it’s too much air for the baby.  Playing in the snow could be bad because you could get really sick from being outside.  …

Poor me, poor stressed-out under-appreciated me.  Or that’s what I sometimes tell myself.  Yeah…that garbage circulates through my head sometimes and it just kills my day.  Even when all the evidence points to some serious sympathy points for you as a parent or spouse, you really aren’t going to win anything by pushing it.

Everybody has “poor me” habits, you just may or may not be completely aware of them.  Maybe you start saying really negative things out loud so others can hear.  Or, you start leaving things undone out of spite, hoping someone will notice and rescue you from your burden.  Perhaps when one thing goes wrong you horribilize everything else around you.  Maybe you have a “poor me” habit that is a little different from these, but has that same dark icky feeling.  Ready to step out of your “poor me” habit, parents?

- Put focus on things that matter and have gone well.  Yes, you didn’t have time to finish all the laundry you set out to do, and breakfast got interrupted, and you just had a massive schedule change out of left field before 8 am.  But…you have a chance to make a little extra money, you did get many other cleaning chores done yesterday, and you have supper planned ahead.

This is basically what my evening and morning have been about today.  I was very frustrated when all of this was hitting and I was getting a pretty bad dialogue going in my head.  Now I’ll never get XYZ done, already messing up the day and it’s only 7:15, I’ll never get a chance to catch up, I don’t know what I’m doing and that situation will probably go badly.  Since I made choices or just had a mental slip-up, I immediately started dumping on myself.  I had a limited amount of time now to do various things and I was already syphoning it away by this “poor me” nonsense.

-Decide it’s time for “poor me” …

I remember a few bullies I encountered back in my younger days.  There was the obvious bigger-than-everyone bully who didn’t do so well at school.  He made up for that by showing his physical dominance when the opportunity arose.  But then there were the not-so-obvious bullies.  People you might never suspect.  Do you know about bullies in your child’s life?

1- Confident – This is your stereotypical bully, like you would see in the TV movie “A Christmas Story”.  He has the attitude, the physical prowess, and has no empathy for the little people around him.  He’s strong and mean.

2- Social – This bully spreads rumors, gossips, and verbally taunts others, Social shunning is also widely used by this kind of bully.  Sometimes it only takes a look to do the job.  Girl bullies commonly fall into this category.  Be aware - they can be difficult to spot because they are subtle.

3- Fully armored- This bully is a charmer, a real cool customer.  He or she are likable to adults, and deceptive to avoid arousing suspicion.  But when the adults are gone this bully is vicious and unemotional to their targets.

4- Hyperactive- The hyperactive bully bounces around and does his or her bullying with a lot of excuses “he made me do it” or “it was just an accident”.  They struggle with grades and have poor social skills.

5- Bullied bully- This kind of bully is the direct result of being repeatedly bullied themselves.  They have been a target for so long, they find some sense of relief from the powerless.

6- Bunch of bullies – Group mentality comes into play here.  A group of “nice kids” find themselves joining in or observing someone getting bullied.  They know what they’re doing is wrong and don’t stop it, but none of these kids bully anyone by themselves.

7- Gang of bullies – This is a group of kids who strategically align themsleves to gain power.  This can be a scary bunch because they lack any sort …

I have had the enormous honor to raise three young girls for about a decade.  All of them are now elementary school age, but my memories of preschool and toddler years are not far away in my mind.  I cannot and never do profess to be anywhere near a perfect parent.  I do my best, but I’ve made my share of mistakes.  That said, I’d like to go ahead and share what I feel is a pretty solid recipe for disaster as a parent.  The retail store child-meltdown.

Unfortunately, sometimes we parents are partly to mostly at fault for it.  We know better, but just try to keep our fingers crossed because we have to get X, Y, or Z done right then.  Parents maybe hope for and mean the best, but get frustrated because they neglect the truth about young kids.  They can only handle so much at a time, and it is often less than you would wish for.  There’s no getting around that.

The reason I’m writing this post is because I saw something the other day that really stood out to me.  I witnessed a mom doing each of the things I am about to list.  She may have been thinking it would all work out OK, but I can’t really guess.  All I know is that everyone got to see and hear everything.

Here’s my recipe for a good old fashion store meltdown for your young kids:

1.  Take your young preschool age kids out shortly after lunch, right around nap time.  Here’s the truth - they are usually very tired.  I rarely had success when I tried taking my preschool-aged children out at that time without a nap.  Unless you have some kind of emergency, and I don’t mean a shopping emergency, just stay home or get a sitter at that time of the day!

2.  Be sure your voice is louder than your child’s, and right in their face.  What’s a preschooler supposed to take from …

This week marks the 40th anniversary of an iconic show of my childhood.  Heck, when I was a kid, it was THE show.  Not much other competition that I can remember, and I believe that’s why they created it.  My how times have changed for the child and parent searching for good stuff on TV.

Obviously, Sesame Street is still on TV these days, and I believe it still has the same education nurturing spirit.  Unfortunately, it has lost some of it’s cultural significance because of the huge number of children’s TV programs available now.  But parents who grew up on it know to look for Sesame Street online and on TV.  My only real programming gripe is that half the show seems to be dedicated to just one character - Elmo.

My mom said I went to Kindergarten reading for one reason only - Sesame Street.  I apparently took to their format well and translated what I learned into my first years at school.  Repetition with music, dance numbers, skits between puppets and humans, little cartoon vignettes.  I still count to twelve sometimes with the ladybug picnic song because it’s so darn catchy.  And that immediately reminds me of the popular animated pinball segment that counted to twelve with funk rock music.  To this day I have a good appreciation of funk rock as well as counting to twelve.

I wasn’t watching pointless ‘tween sitcoms on Nick, weird shows on Cartoon Network, or an endless stream of hard-to-tell-apart little kid cartoons.  And don’t get me wrong, there are several shows for young kids out there today that are good and creative.  I’m just saying that with Sesame Street, I know my mom could sit with me and enjoy the whole hour long show along with me if she wanted.  I’m not so sure I can easily find such a delicate balance between kid and parent enjoyment from other shows.

Another key aspect is the incredible use of great music …

Many parents now set aside decent sized chunks of money to fund their children’s college education.  Not everyone can do this, but it is certainly something many parents work at for years.  So when you finally start sending off some of that hard earned money and you find that your child is behaving badly, what can you do?

Here’s the crux of the issue - whoever is paying has the power.  If you are supporting your child through college, your financial support is there because you are helping them bridge the gap on the good faith that they will do their best and graduate with a degree.  But remember, it’s on a good faith assumption - they have to hold up their part of it.

What if a worst-case-scenario happens?  You find out they’ve been getting low grades and blowing off their responsibilities.  By all rights, you have every reason to pull your funding immediately - no matter how distressing that may be to your child.  You could decide to give them another chance to redeem themselves, but you would need to make your terms very clear so they understand you won’t be giving them a free ride for nothing.

You can also turn this approach to fit an adult child who is living at home for a while until they “get back on their feet.”  If your child is contributing to the good of the household in some way and being a decent person, you probably have something good to work with.  If that doesn’t sound like your situation, then you need to reevaluate what’s going on.

For example, if your son is living at home to save up money because he’s getting married in four months and has housing lined up for him and his new bride, you are probably going to be fine.  If he doesn’t keep a job for more than a few months and doesn’t seem like he looks motivated to get back out there, you will need …

I found this interesting article on an Everyday Health e-newsletter that I received this morning.  It discusses the results of a study claiming that having children adds to the happiness of a married couple, but not so much for unmarried parents.

As I always say when referencing studies, this is just ONE study.  No one single study, no matter how awesome it may be, can possibly tell the whole story about a problem, situation, or subject area.  There are simply too many variables that can affect the outcome, even if there are good controls.  The more studies done on a specific “scientific question”, particularly replicating original research conditions, the more reliable the results.

That being said, the result are interesting and worth looking into.  This study apparently measured life satisfaction with the addition of children, with both married and unmarried parents.  One of the researchers suggest that if a couple is married, that signals some amount of readiness or at least willingness to become a parent.  Single or separated parents would obviously have a tougher road as well.  Even if the other parent lives  nearby, it’s not the same as having everyone under the same roof acting as a family team every day.

I would add further a bit more about the difference of a couple living together and a couple being married and living together.  A couple cohabiting together may believe that they are acting as husband and wife, but truthfully there is no lifelong commitment made.  There is no official obligation to be faithful, anyone could leave at any time or get in touch with ex’s, there’s not much red tape to untie, no vows made before others to signify complete devotion to each other.

Marriage really is more than just a piece of paper - it’s also a mindset and a life-altering decision.  To use a phrase from the researcher quoted in the article, I’m concluding that cohabiting is probably not one of those “right conditions” that …