Kelly’s weekdays are filled with pain. She’s a caring friend; one who takes on the pain of the people in her life. Her college student niece whose heart is broken, the young wife next door who feels empty and hollow despite having the life she once dreamed of and the middle-aged friend whose life hasn’t met his expectations.

All their emotions, and those of others, stay with her in one way or another until she replenishes herself and lets them go. Being an emotionally sensitive person and an introvert, time to recoup through solitary activities like reading is crucial for her to live a contented life.

It’s the first chapter in her owner’s manual for herself.

Recently the leader of a girls’ school in England planned a “failure week.” The idea was to  teach students to be willing to take risks and build their resilience, their ability to bounce back when they didn’t succeed or do well at something they tried. What a great idea.

How many of us know how to fail? Failure is a part of succeeding, especially when your goal is a difficult one to achieve. Persistence is said to be the key to success. Persistence means to keep going even when a door closes.

So what’s the difference between people who keep going and crave a challenge and those who give up?

You might imagine that emotionally sensitive people would be popular as friends. Someone who is tuned in to what you are feeling, your needs and wants would be the perfect friend, right?

Many times it’s true. Your emotionally sensitive companion is often the one who brings soup when you are sick and remembers that you don’t want chocolate cake for your birthday–you prefer lemon. She’s entertaining, witty and caring.

But sometimes you may be shocked that the person you were sure would be the first to show up when you need her is not available. How could such an emotionally tuned-in person be so uncaring?

Actually, the ups and downs of their relationships have nothing to do with not caring.

Thank you again to the many people who took the time to answer my survey and give such thoughtful answers. The information you shared has been invaluable.

Let’s continue looking at what you had to say about being emotionally sensitive. There were many experiences that you treasure. Feeling great joy and rarely being bored was one of them. Many believe that being emotionally sensitive enhances creativity.

Some feel special in their ability to enjoy the positive and some consider it a gift.  Several believe it enhances their spiritual connection to God. (Please see the previous post for more characteristics that they valued about being emotionally sensitive.)

One of the skills a young child must learn is to comfort himself when he is upset. One way he learns to do this is by being soothed by his parents or caregivers. Touch and holding are two ways caregivers comfort children. Gradually the child learns ways to calm himself. These activities are critical for the healthy development of the young child.

Adults may have others to comfort them as well, such as good friends who offer companionship or spouses who give hugs. But self-soothing is a basic skill important for emotional and physical well-being.

Self-soothing is particularly important for the emotionally sensitive, yet many don’t think about, forget, or discount the need for and effectiveness of self-soothing activities. In upset moments, it’s hard to think about calming yourself. Plus, self-soothing does not come naturally to everyone and requires thought and action.

Dopamine is that wonderful chemical that  helps us recognize an opportunity to feel good. Dopamine release is about craving, wanting and seeking. Those sensations are all very different from liking, loving or being happy.

When a rat’s dopamine system is wiped out, he’ll still love the taste of sugar if you give it to him,  but he won’t work to get it. Dopamine is what spurs us to work to get what we think will make us feel good.

Dopamine is about anticipation of a reward, not the actual experiencing of a reward. Brian Knutson did brain scans on humans who knew that when a certain symbol appeared on a computer screen that they would be given money. The interesting result was that the dopamine releasing pleasure center of the brain lit up when they saw the symbol, but not when they got the actual reward.

Emotionally sensitive people often have a difficult time with saying no. Some have difficulty saying it at all and others say it too often. Some say it timidly and others say it too harshly. Sometimes out of fear or discomfort people give lots of reasons for refusing a request or invitation or apologize for not being able to say yes though they really may not want to agree.

Often the difficulty about saying no isn’t about knowing when to say it but about the interpretations that are put on the word or that they fear will be made. Sometimes people are afraid of the result of a refusal, even when their fears are not likely to occur.

For those who don’t say no often enough, the reason may be about the meaning that they associate with the word.  Saying no can be interpreted as a rejection or a lack of caring and emotionally sensitive people don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Sometimes ‘no’ may be interpreted as abandonment of someone you care about, though that does not need to be the case.

The word could also lead to someone abandoning you and the loss of a relationship that is important.  When saying that two-letter word to someone you care about, you are likely to feel vulnerable and that can be uncomfortable.  Sometimes it’s just too scary to do.

In his book Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change, Timothy Wilson described the “broken windows” theory of James Wilson and George Kelling.

This theory is about neighborhoods and safety. Wilson and Kelling believed that the appearance of  neighborhoods made a difference in preventing criminal activity. They proposed that the environment communicated to people information on what behavior was appropriate.

Broken windows and graffiti were signals to people that a neighborhood was deteriorating and breaking the law was acceptable.

Experiencing painful situations is a part of life. One of the ways people cope with the sadness and pain is by balancing those experiences with joyful or pleasant ones. It’s like having a bank account. You make deposits of pleasurable experiences so you can draw on them when life is hard.

Emotionally sensitive people can easily get worn down by difficult situations, so creating pleasure is an important means of coping.

Sometimes it seems that many people wait for positive experiences to happen, to come to them. Working to create happiness doesn’t seem to make sense. But creating positive experiences is one of the best ways to increase your resiliency or ability to bounce back from tough times.

For some,  pleasant experiences involve others. Parties, getting together for dinner, going to a play, hiking a trail, or playing tennis may be activities they would enjoy. Others might prefer reading a book, playing with a pet, or exploring nature. Volunteering is a positive experience for many.

Many people don’t like crying. They fight tears, hate their tears and hide their tears. Adults and sometimes children are told not to be crybabies. People who cry are often judged as weak and out of control. Emotionally sensitive people may be told that they cry “all the time”  and may judge themselves negatively as a result. So let’s check the evidence. Is it true that tears are a sign of weakness?

Tears can be a signal of cooperation and vulnerability. Tears handicap aggressive actions, as noted by Orren Hasson, in an article on emotional tears as biological signals. It’s hard to fight when you can’t see well. Tears signal to others that you don’t want to fight; perhaps this is the root of the belief that crying makes you weak?