Many of us might wish there weren’t so many problems in life. “If only”  keeps us stuck, just like, “Why me?”  We’d rather have a life that flows effortlessly. Given that life is full of problems, maybe the best option is to get really good at solving them.

Sometimes problems come because we make bad decisions. Some come because of our relationships with others and some come through the thoughtlessness of others. Some of our problems come from our own feelings and ways of looking at life.

Effective problem-solving improve your sense of well-being, your mood, your hope and self-confidence.  Learning how to solve problems can improve your overall health. Moreover, problem-solving skills can be taught. People aren’t born knowing how to solve problems.

“He’s a stupid idiot,” “I’m a total loser,” or “I’ve just had a horrible day”  are common statements we make when we are frustrated, tired,  overwhelmed or embarrassed. Such statements often serve to express intense feelings after difficult events. So what’s the harm?

In general, the main issue is that judgmental statements tend to increase our emotional upset. But there are other concerns as well.

Judgements Hide Consequences

We label events and actions as good or bad as a shorthand way of talking. We say getting a traffic ticket is bad or not paying the rent is bad. We say getting a raise is good. But we forget that we’re using shorthand. What we’re really saying is that events and actions have consequences that are desirable or not desirable.

Describing the experience of emptiness to individuals who have never experienced it is difficult. How is it that some emotionally sensitive people, who feel so many emotions so intensely, also struggle with emptiness?  I asked for wisdom from those who have experienced emptiness*.

Kendra said emptiness feels like a cold shell. Imagine feeling like a shell of a person with no insides, nothing there.

Lynn said, “[experiencing emptiness makes me feel like] I cannot breathe. And I have no where to go for refuge. Suffocating.”

Emptiness doesn’t seem to be about loneliness, though it is an alone feeling. Emptiness seems to be the absence of you. Not knowing who you are, what you feel, or what you want. It’s a hollow, nothingness feeling. Like a puppet just responding to what is expected or what string is pulled. And then not responding at all in any real sense. Feeling blank and then hiding the blankness until you can’t.

We all have certain beliefs about ourselves. We may believe that we are athletic, smart, good at English, or that we are terrible at math. We believe that we are good at making friends, shy, or outgoing. Most of the time our beliefs about ourselves work to help our lives flow more easily. We don’t have to re-decide who we are in every situation.

Sometimes though, the emotionally sensitive don’t consider or lose awareness of what their ideas, preferences and values are. By paying attention mainly to what other people seem to prefer and changing themselves to fit what those people want, they can lose awareness of their beliefs.

Changing to fit what others believe and think can be a way to avoid conflict and rejection but can create anxiety and depression, not to mention feelings of alienation and emptiness. By changing to fit what others seem to want them to be, the emotionally sensitive lose the opportunity for true intimacy.

Self-control or willpower is the ability to effectively manage your attention, emotions and desires. Understanding how willpower works can help you better manage your emotions and make the changes you want to make in your life.

When you are working to build more effective coping skills, you may find that no matter how strong your commitment to practicing new ways of soothing yourself, solving problems effectively, or managing your intense emotions in healthier ways, you fall back into old patterns.

Falling back can be discouraging and you may blame yourself for not having enough willpower or stick-to-it-ness.  As we noted in the last post, self-control has nothing to do with your character. It’s a limited resource for everyone. We have to practice and keep going, recognizing that having lapses is just part of developing new behaviors and skills.

If we know some of the ways to enhance our self-control while we are practicing new behaviors, that can help too.

Sometimes people who care and want to help the Emotionally Sensitive tell them to  ”Just get over it,” or “there’s no reason to be that upset,” or  ”think before you act.”  Though they don’t intend to invalidate the emotionally sensitive person, they are.

They probably don’t realize how many skills are necessary to not act on intense emotions. To manage emotional responses and use effective problem-solving strategies takes a lot of energy.

Most everyone has a natural tendency to prefer short-term gratification over long-term goals. Yet we often delude ourselves and believe that in the future we will be able to put our long-term goals first. Somehow we are sure we will have more self-control tomorrow, next week, or next month.

Given a future choice of two cookies on Tuesday versus six cookies four days later, most everyone would choose the six cookies four days later. But if we have to choose right now? Research shows we’ll take the two cookies rather than wait for six.

Thank you again to the many people who took the time to answer my survey and give such thoughtful answers. The information you shared has been invaluable.

Let’s continue looking at what you had to say about being emotionally sensitive. There were many experiences that you treasure. Feeling great joy and rarely being bored was one of them. Many believe that being emotionally sensitive enhances creativity.

Some feel special in their ability to enjoy the positive and some consider it a gift.  Several believe it enhances their spiritual connection to God. (Please see the previous post for more characteristics that they valued about being emotionally sensitive.)

One of the most important levels of validation in Dialectical Behavior Therapy is cheerleading. Cheerleading involves holding and encouraging hope.

Hope is what keeps people going forward when difficult emotions and harsh experiences slam them against the ground–hope for a better life, for a life with less suffering, for the skills to manage challenging emotions in healthy ways.

For the emotionally sensitive, less desired emotions like irritation, hurt, sadness and shame can take over their thinking and behavior and become their whole world. When others might be angry or frustrated, the emotionally sensitive may feel rage or fury.

What might feel hurtful to others may be crushing and what would be sad to others may be depressing. It’s difficult to go to work, clean house, keep appointments, talk with friends, or otherwise function when experiencing such intense feelings.

Habits are a big part of the way we live our lives and make decisions. More than forty percent of the actions people perform each day are habits rather than decisions. That’s almost half.

Good habits help you save your brain power. You don’t have to decide or think about brushing your teeth, you just do it. When people who have been depressed or living chaotically work on self-care and hygiene, they don’t have these good habits and must use a lot of energy to establish them. That’s difficult.

But what seems even more difficult is changing habits that are harmful to us or don’t serve us well. Sometimes habits aren’t helpful to us and we need to change them.

Dopamine is that wonderful chemical that  helps us recognize an opportunity to feel good. Dopamine release is about craving, wanting and seeking. Those sensations are all very different from liking, loving or being happy.

When a rat’s dopamine system is wiped out, he’ll still love the taste of sugar if you give it to him,  but he won’t work to get it. Dopamine is what spurs us to work to get what we think will make us feel good.

Dopamine is about anticipation of a reward, not the actual experiencing of a reward. Brian Knutson did brain scans on humans who knew that when a certain symbol appeared on a computer screen that they would be given money. The interesting result was that the dopamine releasing pleasure center of the brain lit up when they saw the symbol, but not when they got the actual reward.