One type of emotional bully is the person who attempts to use anger as a way of protecting themselves, controlling others or as a form of connection. Anger is often a hurtful emotion for those on the receiving end. For emotionally sensitive people having someone angry at them can be devastating and result in their withdrawing, fighting, acting in unhealthy ways and experiencing hours of emotional pain.

One of the ways to cope with anger is to change your perception (see previous post on No Matter What the Problem, There Are Only Four Things You Can Do). If you blame yourself whenever someone is angry with you, or have an automatic response that isn’t effective,  a first step of pausing and considering the reasons for their anger could be helpful.

Spouses who verbally attack, the controlling boss, the critical parent–all may be described as angry people. Bullies are often angry people, regardless of their age. Maybe it’s hard to understand why someone would bully another. After all, being chronically angry has many negative consequences for both the person who lives in anger and those around that person.

Anger is a complicated emotion but we’re beginning to understand it better than ever before.  There are different ways that anger can work for people, at least in the short run.

Anger as an Emotional Shield

Consider Stephanie. (Like all the names used here, that’s a made-up name and doesn’t refer to a real person.)  Stephanie is focused on self-esteem. Focusing on self-esteem is a trap, as we know from Dr. Neff’s book Self Compassion (2011).  She looks for achievements to feel good about herself and assesses herself in terms of whether she is better than others in various ways, such as being smarter, more fit, wealthier, and the like. Most of the time she compares herself to people she believes are superior to her and so she constantly thinks she is worthless. She puts others down in an attempt to build herself up. Her anger is based on chronic thoughts of worthlessness and hurt.

Stephanie feels powerless and inadequate. When someone feels powerless, anger can be empowering. What a different feeling that is!  For fearful people, feeling in control may be soothing and they can often get that feeling through anger.

Anger and Control

Jake verbally attacks his wife Wendy. When she returned home late from a meeting, he raged at her, demanding to know where she had been. He “knew” she was cheating on him. Wendy apologized over and over and reassured him she loved him. To avoid his anger she told her boss she couldn’t stay late any more. She made many changes in her life to avoid Jake’s anger. Anger for Jake is about control, and in this case, his anger is  a way of controlling his fears of abandonment.

Anger and Entitlement

Allison is an ambitious professional. At work, she has a group of three or four followers who agree with just about everything she says. Allison puts others down and believes she is superior to others and deserves to be adored. When she wasn’t given a promotion she knew she deserved, she was enraged. She stayed angry for months and tormented the woman who was promoted. Her anger is the result of believing the world is treating her unjustly. Allison is exhibiting a narcissistic anger–she does not feel insecure, she feels entitled.

Anger and Connection

Wesley continues to form relationships that seem promising. He has a certain level of closeness with which he is comfortable. He is fine until he talks about marriage and then he finds a reason to be angry with the one he cares about. He has the same pattern in business. He works well with someone until he thinks about having a business partner. Then he destroys the relationship by finding fault with the other person.  Wesley’s anger is about fear of intimacy and commitment.

Anger is often a secondary emotion, triggered by fear or hurt. Think about your child running onto the road in front of your house. Fear comes first, then anger. Sometimes the change from fear to anger happens so quickly and automatically people aren’t even aware it occurred.

Steven Stosny, in his book Treating Attachment Abuse (1995) talks about anger as an emotional salve to cover up core hurts. He identifies core hurts, some of which are feeling ignored, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. If someone doesn’t have the ability to soothe themselves or cope with core hurts, then they may use anger as a shield. By assuring oneself and others that the hurt was not legitimate, that the other person was in the wrong, the person establishes their superiority. Thus they avoid feeling the difficult emotion.

As an example, Jake is attempting to avoid terrifying feelings of abandonment. He does not have to see himself as insecure or controlling or difficult because he is sure his wife was the one at fault.

Anger can create distance when someone is afraid of getting too close.  If someone has grown up with distant parents, they may crave closeness but at the same time be afraid of it. Anger can be protective in those situations.

Anger can also be a safe way to engage with someone. I fight with you, therefore we are connected.

Anger and Pain Reduction

When a person gets angry, the brain secretes norepinephrine. Norepinephrine works much like a pain reducer. When provoked the brain also produces the hormone epinephrine, which causes a surge of energy throughout our body. The chemical reactions may be comforting as well stimulating. Some report almost addictive-like response to the adrenaline-like rush they experience when angry.

Understanding the many reasons for anger (I’ve just listed a few) may help you step back and consider the cause.  Taking that step back can help you consider your response and what coping skills you want to use  instead of reacting in an ineffective habitual way (like blaming yourself or making excuses for the other person) that may not be the best choice.

photo credit: cali.org

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    Last reviewed: 27 Jan 2012