Bryan’s date is Oct. 10, 2008. That is the day his father killed himself. Bryan talked about his father today at the annual survivor conference sponsored by the Southeast Florida Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in Fort Lauderdale.

Bryan could not find enough adjectives to describe how wonderul, amazing, fun-loving, hardworking, absolutely hilarious his father was. A mountain biker, successful businessman, skiier, race car driver, a man who seemed to love his life and his life love him back.

“In his note he wrote maybe I lived too good a life,” Bryan said.

Just before Oct. 10, 2008 his father sold his possessions, he stopped doing things that he liked to do, he was in a severe depression and he had a prior suicide attempt in 2001.

“Bryan, you don’t know how bad this depression is,” Bryan recalled his father saying. “In his note he also wrote that it was too late.”

Paul lost his partner of 16 years on March 10, 2005 but that was not the worst day of his life. March 11, 2005 was the worst day of his life. That day he called his family, his partner’s family and friends.

“In addition to the stigma of suicide, I was shunned by coworkers because we were a gay couple,” Paul told the audience here in Fort Lauderdale today. “I am not going to deny that he died by suicide or that I loved this man.”

“The more we discuss suicide, the more we say the word “suicide”, the less stigma there will be,” Paul said. “Please say the word “suicide.” It’s a form of death.”

Renae’s son was 25-years-old when he shot himself. That was one year and seven months ago.

“From the day the sheriff came to my door until today, I have not cried,” she said. “It is amazing how the word has moved on and dragged me along. There are some of the longest days and nights but the longest years that have ever been.”

She is mad at the authorities, who treat suicide like a crime: “We are subjected to their accusations and questions. People feel like they have the right to ask the most intimate questions. All the standard comments about suicide are useless and offensive.”

Her rabbi asked he what she missed the most about her son: “Everything.”

“Time softens the heartache, but never the loss.”

“Are there any books for children?” one woman asked during the Q&A.

Yes, a Michael T. Miles, a psychologist who works with children told the crowd: The Fall of Freddie the Leaf
by Leo Buscaglia.

Let me know if you know of other books.

I found this in the folder on my table.

Survivors Bill of Rights
I have the right to be free of guilt.
I have the right not to feel reponsible for the suicide death.
I have the right to express my feelings and emotions, even if they do not seem acceptable, as long as they do not interfere with the rights of others.
I have the right to have my questions answered honestly by authorities and family members.
I have the right not to be deceived because others feel they can spare me further grief.
I have the right to maintain a sense of hopefulness.
I have the right to peace and dignity.
I have the right to positive feelings about the one I lost through suicide, regardless of events prior to or at the time of the untimely death.
I have the right to retain my individuality and not be judged because of the suicide death.
I have the right to seek counseling and support groups to enable me to explore my feelings honestly to further the acceptance process.
I have the right to reach acceptance.
I have the right to a new beginning.
I have the right to be.

From JoAnn Mecca’s Center for Inner Growth and Wholeness

“You don’t,” said a mother whose son killed himself with a gunshot to the head. “You learn to live around it.”

My thoughts today turn to two coworkers - one drank himself to death, the other swallowed a bottle of pills and left behind two young sons. “He’s really cold,” one of the boys told me as we stood beside his father’s casket.

My thoughts today are with another friend who left left behind twin boys - just toddlers - when he closed the garage door and turned the ignition key on his truck. My prayers today are for the widow of German soccer star Robert Enke - whose husband stepped in front of a train two weeks ago. He had depression and was overwhelmed with fear that if his illness became public the baby girl the couple adopted earlier this year would be taken from them - just as their natural daughter was taken from them several years ago when her heart failed.

I will spent today at a local conference of suicide survivors. I doubt I will be able to listen to all of the speakers’ stories. But I will try. Suicide scares me. I have seen a glimpse of the unfathomable grief it leaves behind. Suicide scares me because I know I am capable of it. Twice before I have tried. I know the thoughts. I know the singleness of purpose. I know the pain. I know, I know, I know.

Today I will pray that God gives the survivors serenity, acceptance and absolution from their unnecessary guilt. Even if just for a moment, God, just let them have some peace.

In it, Krauthammer, a psychiatrist who has not practiced for decades, slams those of us who believe what he skeptically calls “Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” “Vicarious Traumatization” or “Compassion Fatigue”. The Army calls it “Provider Fatigue.”

Krauthammer scoffs at recent reports that Dr. Nidal Hasan’s job of listening to the terrible stories of combat-wounded soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan may have contributed to his rampage at Fort Hood: “They suffered. He listened. He snapped.”

“Really? What about the doctors and nurses, the counselors and physical therapists at Walter Reed Army Medical Center who every day hear and live with the pain and the suffering of returning soldiers? How many of them then picked up a gun and shot 51 innocents?”

None, which is my point. We each have our own set of personal circumstances. Dr. Hasan is Muslim. He is against the war. He was afraid of being sent to the battlefields he had heard so much about. He was concerned about going into a combat zone where our soldiers were killing enemies who practiced the same religion - Islam. We do not know if Dr. Hasan is mentally ill. News reports do portray him as a zealot and we know that religiosity is a symptom of some mental illnesses.

To say that Dr. Hasan should have the same emotional strength and fortitude as other doctors, nurses, counselors and therapists at Walter Reed Amy Medical Center is to say that if you swim the same workouts as Michael Phelps you should be as fast as Michael Phelps.

Some of us are physically and mentally stronger than others - ergo - we react differently to the same stressor. I am NOT making excuses for Dr. Hasan. But I will defend Secondary PTSD - which Krauthammer snears at: “After all, secondary PTSD, for those who believe in it (you won’t find it in the DSM-IV-TR, psychiatrity’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) is known as “compassion fatigue.” The poor man - pushed over the edge by an excess of sensitivity.”

Krauthammer is entitled to his opinion. However, the Army believes in Secondary PTSD. In fact the Army developed a Compassion Fatigue program in 2005 to deal with issues of Provider Fatigue and Burnout. The program was redeveloped in 2007 into the Provider Resiliency Training Program.

In Army speak: “This comprehensive program currently includes four different modules beginning with Introduction to PRT in the format of a 20 minute video. PRT Level 1 includes two hours didactic training for both military and civilian providers. PRT Level 2 includes four to eight hours didactic training, expanding on PRT 1 and includes practical application of self assessment and self care plans. PRT Level 3 includes 2-3 day training for Clinicians who treat fatigued providers.”

As for Secondary PTSD not being in the DSM-IV-TR, well, PTSD was not included in the DSM until 1980. Does that mean it did not exist before then? Late luteal phase dysphoric disorder (PMS) did not appear in the DSM until the third edition but I am living proof that it existed before then.

Let’s not stir the pot by saying that secondary PTSD is a “handy invention to ignore the obvious” - that Dr. Hasan may have had Islamist motives. Or that those of us who are “downplaying Nidal Hasan’s religious beliefs,” are just a tad too politically correct.

Let’s just slow down. Please. Maybe we are all correct.

I used the word “abhorrent” to describe the idea. Where would it stop? Would bosses be allowed to ask about other medical conditions, such as AIDS? In a way it is not really an issue. If an employer really wants to know whether a job candidate or employee is being treated for a mental illness, just do a drug test. Most workers believe they are being tested for marijuana and opiates. But there are employment drug tests that screen for a smorgasbord of drugs, including antidepressants and mood stabilizers.

The civil libertarian in me want to stamp her feet and claim invasion of privacy. But I understand why employers want to know. Depression is the number one workplace disability in the United States. Overall, mental illness costs employers an estimated $140 billion a year in disability, lost wages and productivity. There is also the “Ola Nolen” factor. I covered Ola Nolen’s murder trial back when I was a beat reporter. Ola - a sweet-looking grandmother - had thrown gasoline on a coworker and tossed a match on her because she believed the woman had stolen the $1 million check that John F. Kennedy had given Ola to solve the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ola had paranoid schizophrenia. Would Ola’s horribly burned coworker be alive today if Ola’s employer knew she was mentally ill? We don’t know.

Last week a gunman in Orlando walked into the engineering firm that laid him off last year and opened fire. One man was killed and five injured. The gunman had a long, documented history of schizophrenia and believed his former employer was attempting to block his unemployment benefits.

Robert Enke hid his depression. He was worried about what people would think -  would he be thought incapable of being a responsible father and brilliant soccer star? There can be severe consequences whatever decision a person makes - to tell the boss or not. But should bosses be allowed to ask me if I am mentally ill? Should I be forced to out myself to get a job?

Help me out here. What is your answer?

Stigma kills.

Robert Enke, the beloved goalkeeper for the German national soccer team, stepped in front of a train on Tuesday.  Enke, 32, was at the height of his career – expected to be the German team’s goalkeeper  in the 2010 World Cup. He and his wife Teresa had adopted a daughter, Leila, earlier this year. Leila is 18 months old. Three years ago the couple’s 2-year-daughter, Lara, died of a heart condition.

Enke had battled battled depression for six years but feared that if his depression became public they would lose Leila, his widow said.

“We had Lara; we have Leila. I always wanted to help him to get through it,” she told reporters. “He didn’t want it to come out because of fear. He was scared of losing Leila.”

Sit down, close your eyes and imagine – if you can – what it would feel like if you suffered from a reviled illness and believed that your child would be taken from you if word of your illness got out. People with cancer or heart disease or diabetes do not have these worries. They can focus on getting well. But not people with mental illnesses. Those of us with mental illness have to worry about losing our friends, family and job – not to mention insurance – if our alcoholism, depression, bipolar or schizophrenia etc. becomes public.

Regardless of whether you are a soccer fan, we can honor Enke’s memory by speaking up and out. Loud. Anytime you hear anyone poke fun at the mentally ill, doubt their suffering or joke about their medication, chime in, interrupt and defend Enke’s despair. It was horribly real. Make a statement when you see an antidepressant ad on television, listen to Nirvana or read about Anna Nicole. The stigma is not going to go away on its own.

Unfortunately Enke believed that he had to choose between getting well and losing his daughter or staying sick and keeping his family together. Sadly, he got it backward. By staying sick his daughter lost her father.

God rest your soul Robert Enke.

So, why am I writing about Tyler in my depression blog? Because I am triple-diagnosed. I have depression, bipolar and alcoholism. Aerosmith was the music of my high school days back in the mid-70s and I met Tyler in my favorite bar in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Aerosmith’s music was so tied to my drinking days that I did not know if I could ever listen to their music without craving a drink.

When I learned that the entire band had gotten clean and sober, I listened without worry. If they could MAKE that kind of music while sober, I could certainly LISTEN to it sober. The band gave me hope. It was cool to be sober and getting sober was the best thing I could do for my depression. For many years I turned to alcohol - a depressant - to self-medicate my depression.

But as we addicts and alcoholics know, sobriety it is a one-day-at-a-time program. After 20 years of sobriety Tyler relapsed on pain pills he began using after surgery on his throat. He checked into rehab in May 2008. Little has been said about whether Tyler has remained clean and sober but Tyler has been keeping his distance from his band mates. The band cancelled several shows in August after Tyler fell off the stage during a concert.  Since then Tyler hasn’t returned phone calls from Joe Perry, the band’s guitarist.

Unfortunately, Tyler is behaving like he is in relapse mode. The last thing a relapsed addict or alcoholic wants to do is hang around a bunch of sober friends - especially when YOU are the one who encouraged THEM to get clean and sober. It must be tough for Tyler, too, having become the poster child for recovered hard rockers during his 20 years clean and sober.

The good news is that Tyler is a survivor. If he has relapsed he knows how to make a comeback: Just keep coming back. It works if you work it.

After a few pleasantries I will start unloading the detritus of my soul. She always pays attention and looks interested. I am her last patient on Friday. I cap off her week of listening to the detritus of other peoples’ souls. I ask myself, who in their right freakin’ mind would do this for a living? Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, year after year, listening other peoples’ misery.

So I asked her. ”It does get to you,” she said and explained how she takes care of herself. Burnout is a big problem among mental health care providers, she said. Then I remembered Tony Soprano’s therapist who had her own therapist on The Sopranos. It never dawned on me that a therapist might have a therapist.

This morning I got to thinking about this after reading about the gunman and his horrible rampage at Fort Hood yesterday. His name is Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan and he is an Army psychiatrist. He also is Muslim. Before he opened fire and killed 12 and wounded 31 people yesterday he had been assigned to counsel soldiers returning from the battlefields with post traumatic stress disorder. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week he listened to the horrors and atrocities of war. The soldiers he counseled were emotionally raw - just off the battlefield.

Then Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan learned that the Army wanted to send him to the very place where those horrors and atrocities occur. There was the “Muslim issue”, too. The doctor is a practicing Muslim and he took a lot of heat for it from his fellow soldiers. So much so that a couple of years ago he retained a lawyer to help him get an early discharge but learned he could not. He thought the U.S. should pull its troops out of Afghanistan and often argued with others who supported the war.

The Army thought it was best to send Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan to the battlefields where our soldiers are trying to kill terrorists who practice that same religion as the doctor. And we all know how devoted the terrorists are to their religion.

I am not condoning what Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan did yesterday. I am not making excuses for him. I don’t know if any of this contributed to what happened yesterday but I can see how it might have. I just want to why. I want to know if it could have been prevented. I want to know if the Army has anyone taking care of the people who take care of soldiers who are devastated by war. Maybe it is time we all looked at our caregivers and asked, what do THEY need? How are THEY holding up? Do THEY need help too?

Mrs. Carter’s annual Symposium on Mental Health Policy is one of the best kept secrets in the ranks of mental health advocacy. Although the symposia are not open to the public, they can be viewed in realtime on the Carter Center’s website. The idea is to bring stakeholders together - not only to listen to each others’ problems but to create solutions that address the needs and goals of all.

I like to think that things happen when they happen for a reason. There are no coincidences in life, just synchronicity. How else can you explain Congress debating health care reform in Washington on the same day that Rosalynn Carter opens this year’s symposium, entitled Fixing the Nation’s Broken Behavioral Health Care System? It’s destiny - good karma.

So when you get to work on Wednesday check your calendar for Thursday and Friday. Make some time to listen in to the symposium - even for a few minutes, for a little inspiration. Sometimes, just listening to others care so deeply about what you care for and hearing how badly they want to help you is enough to get you through the day.

Someone wants to help you. Her name is Rosalynn.