People disappoint each other all the time. No one lives up to anyone’s expectations. Does a person show love in enough ways that we can accept when they fall short? Or do we feel so neglected that our love is fading?

In my own case, my wife often fails to live up to my dreams. But she takes care of our household, offers me many gestures of affection and concern, and more than makes up for the ways she disappoints. It’s almost like cost/benefit analysis, as much as I dislike economic analogies in human relationships.

One does become a doormat if one gives much and receives little. But if one pays in apples and acknowledges only apples in return, then disappointment is likely. Maybe it would help to count the oranges too. On the other hand, if there are no oranges, no cherries, and hardly any raisins, then it’s time to decide whether to accept the role of thankless martyr, ask for more, or cut one’s losses.

Requesting more is not wrong. What I think important may seem minor to my wife. I’m trying to learn to ask for what I need, rather than expecting my partner to read my mind. I wait until a neutral moment, when things are calm and there is time to talk. Sometimes she changes, and gives me more of what I desire, and sometimes not. But at least I get my feelings out in the open. It becomes easier to see that she wants to please me, even though she has limits and limitations.

‘Dignity’ in relationships means accepting the shortcomings of our loved ones, embracing the ways they support us, and giving with affection. ‘Doormat’ means enduring neglect from those close to us, exaggerating what they offer, and giving with resentment.

It must feel great to have people in one’s life that enjoy seeing us happy. In this world of only seeing others in terms of what they can do for us, it is so wonderful when we experience the gift of someone who knows the effect they have on us and receive selfish gratification for valuing us as we are and just want us to feel good. Those rare people have a consciousness of what others feel as much as their own feelings. I do not expect others to feel that way and I am seldom disappointed.