Archives for Living with Depression

Alcoholism

My closet filled with little boxes of bad deeds

In my mind there is a closet. It has one shelf and I must stand on my tip-toes to reach the little brown boxes on it.

I don’t reach for those boxes often because what is in those boxes scares the hell out of me. Each box contains a memory of an event that I wish had never happened or that I pray never will happen.

I only pull one of those boxes down and unwrap it when I know I need to. One box hold the memory of a car accident I had while drinking more than 30 years ago. I wrapped a 1972 Gran Torino – a massive vehicle – around a telephone pole.
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In My Experience

Should airline pilots – and lawyers – reveal their mental illnesses?

As the world ponders the sensibility of psychological testing of airline pilots before we even know the diagnosis of GermanWings pilot Andreas Lubitz, comes word that the Civil Rights Division of the U.S. Department of Justice is investigating the Florida Supreme Court for the state Board of Bar Examiners' policy of evaluating applicants for mental health diagnosis or treatment.

According to the South Florida Daily Business Review, the investigation began in December and focuses on the Florida Board of Bar Examiners, an agency of the Florida Supreme Court, which oversees bar admissions and determines whether applicants should be admitted to the Florida Bar by reviewing lengthy character and fitness files.

Among the questions asked: Has the applicant ever been diagnosed with a mental illness, such as bipolar, depression or psychosis, according to the article.

Florida isn't the only state that asks mental health questions and the Justice Department has made it clear it doesn't like the questions.

The Justice Department has gone so far as to write a letter to officials Vermont and Louisiana - states that also ask such questions - saying the questions are illegal. While questions about conduct are appropriate, "questions based on an applicant's status as a person with a mental health diagnosis do not serve the court's worthy goal of identifying unfit applicants, are in fact counterproductive to ensuring that attorneys are fit to practice and violate the applicable civil rights laws," the letter stated.
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Bipolar

The tao of depression for a journalist

About 15 years ago the newspaper where I work sent me to a number-crunching boot camp, where I learned how to analyze data. I became a geek.

As journalism morphed from the old fashioned pen, notebook and musty records at the courthouse to the internet's ability to gather mountains of data in the blink of an eye, my geekiness blossomed. I attended more bootcamps on advanced statistics and mapping.

I added SQL, shapefiles and string functions to my arsenal of reporting skills. My brain changed, too. I could feel it. A portion of my brain that had been slacking was now firing. I thought differently. It's hard to explain.

The analytical side of my brain teamed up with the creative side and my thinking became three-dimensional. The skies parted and I realized that 3+2 and 4+1 both equaled 5. There were suddenly many solutions to the same problem. This revelation came fast and hard and not without severe consequences.
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anxiety and dreams

Is the CrossFit Open fueling my mania?

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I'm on the Autobahn. I have all kinds of great, noble plans but I'm not so hot on following through. The upshot is that I feel guilty or stupid or both. Take, for instance, my decision a few weeks ago to not do an international CrossFit competition for which I had been training for months. The closer the competition the more I realized it was stressing me out, making me anxious and fueling my mania. My life was out of whack. Mentally, I was a bubble off plumb.

I took a few days off from the gym - something rare for me - and when I went bank, I only did the programmed workout. No staying after and doing another workout or coming back in the evening for more punishment. CrossFit was really fun again.

Fast forward to last Thursday, when the first workout  in the competition was announced. Gee, it looked like so much fun! Why not give it a little try? Nothing serious - just have fun with it. Don't take your life - and CrossFit - so seriously. It's just one little workout, right?

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Alcoholism

Depression, obsession and rumination

I once heard a guy say that he tries to wear his life like a comfortable old t-shirt. I like that and I've been trying to do it lately but I think I must have shrunk that t-shirt in the dryer because it's tight as hell right now.

From the outside you might not notice that my comfy t-shirt has morphed into a corset. But from the inside, it feels like it has. I'm carrying around this intensity right now - for work, for working-out and even for finishing the entire seven-season series Sons of Anarchy.

I am driven. I can't seem to slow down my thoughts. One thought leads to another and another and another. It makes me good at what I do - newspaper reporting - but it's not good for my mental health. It's a constant tugging - intellectually I want to slow down - instinctually I want to speed up.
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Coping with Depression

Father forgive me for I have sinned and have depression

I am guilty. I'm not sure what I'm guilty of but I'm certain I am guilty. I was brought up Catholic and went to a Catholic elementary school.

The nuns taught us about the different kinds of sins - venial sins, a sort of lesser gateway sin that wouldn't send us directly to hell, unlike mortal sins - like killing someone - which would send us directly to hell. You would burn in hell for eternity no matter how many Hail Mary's you said. Of course, as second- and third-graders, we hadn't committed any mortal sins but they were out there.

And there were those poor little babies who died before they were baptized. They ended up in limbo - heaven's waiting room. They didn't get into heaven because there original sin hadn't been washed away by pouring some water over their little heads. So, your parents better get your little brother baptized or he could END UP IN LIMBO!!!

I got so scared of being bad and had convinced myself that I WAS bad that as soon as I was able,, I went to confession.  In fact, I went to confession so much that they told me I didn't  have to go so much - which was a huge relief because as a little kid I had better things to do than keep a running tally of my venial sins.

I haven't gone to confession in years. I like to think I dial direct. When I feel guilty, which is still a lot, I deal directly with God.
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Coping with Depression

Circling the drain of depression

Two down, one to go.

We made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. There's just New Year's left. I can see the finish line but I'm close to bonking. Yes, I am taking my medications. I am exercising and getting plenty of sleep. I am eating well - except for the gluten-free Pop Tarts.

I thought I had done a pretty good job of fending off my depression this year. I didn't buy a tree or put out any decorations until about 2 hours before my daughter came home to visit. I cancelled my satellite television service and got Roku - so I wasn't bombarded by holiday commercials.

I didn't turn on the radio and made it through my first holiday season without hearing that insanely annoying Feliz Navidad song - although I did hear Paul McCartney's "Sim-ply Hav-ing a Wonderful Christmas Time," which is equally annoying.
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Coping with Depression

For holiday orphans, depression is real

I have made it 55 years without cooking a turkey. I used to be ashamed of that fact. How could a one-time wife and mother get this far in life without ever having made a turkey?

It's a sad story with a happy ending. I don't have much family and the family I have don't invite me to holiday dinners. They're either too far away, or they don't know me because we haven't kept in contact over the decades or they don't invite me to their dinner table. 

When I was married we managed to get invited to my in-laws for holiday meals. My ex-husband is in the restaurant business so he was usually working. When we divorced, it was just my daughter and me. A few times I made a turkey breast and we got dressed up, took out the good china and some candles and had a nice little holiday meal - just the two of us and the dog.

We are holiday orphans. No cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, siblings. Just me, my daughter and the dog. When my daughter was much younger and still a believer (in Santa) we had fun - baking cookies, decorating the tree and building a runway in the yard with blue and red lights for Santa to land.

For a few years I had other orphans to my house on Christmas Eve. Fun, but a lot of work and money for a single mom with a full-time job. Then my daughter grew up and spent holidays with friends who have real families. Of course the two of us still eat dinner together on Christmas Eve but we no longer build the runway in the front yard or bake cookies together.
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Coping with Depression

Can depression help your career?

A good headline, like a lot of good things in life, will suck you in. This one got me: "How business leaders can use fatigue and depression to their advantage."

Do tell, I thought, because I've been in the working world for more than 30 years and I've yet to meet a boss, supervisor or leader who has used fatigue and depression to their advantage. On the planet where I live, depression and fatigue are weaknesses.

Come to think of it, I have never encountered a boss supervisor or leader who ever had to take time off from work because depression or fatigue. That's only something us worker bees do. So, I had to read this article by Andrew Cave, published on the Forbes web site on Wednesday.

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