dreams and depression Articles

Is the CrossFit Open fueling my mania?

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I’m on the Autobahn. I have all kinds of great, noble plans but I’m not so hot on following through. The upshot is that I feel guilty or stupid or both.

Photo by April Milner

Photo by April Milner

Take, for instance, my decision a few weeks ago to not do an international CrossFit competition for which I had been training for months. The closer the competition the more I realized it was stressing me out, making me anxious and fueling my mania. My life was out of whack. Mentally, I was a bubble off plumb.

I took a few days off from the gym – something rare for me – and when I went bank, I only did the programmed workout. No staying after and doing another workout or coming back in the evening for more punishment. CrossFit was really fun again.

Fast forward to last Thursday, when the first workout  in the competition was announced. Gee, it looked like so much fun! Why not give it a little try? Nothing serious – just have fun with it. Don’t take your life – and CrossFit – so seriously. It’s just one little workout, right?


60 hours without my antidepressants?

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

I went to visit my daughter this weekend. She lives about 2-1/5 hours away. Half way there I realized I had forgotten my medications.

I take three medications, two antidepressants and mood-stabilizer. I have been taking them for 7 years. Every day. Morning. Night. I don’t mess around and skip a day here or there. I take them without fail.

I did the math in my head. I took my last dose at 7 am Friday. I was not planning on getting home until at least 7 pm on Sunday. That would be 60 hours without my medications. Once I forgot to order a three-month supply of one of my antidepressants and ran out for about three days so I knew what it felt like to skip a few days without one of the medications.

shutterstock_151831541I had a headache – like my head was simultaneously going to implode and explode. My thoughts were thick, like I was thinking in mud. I was tired.

I had never gone as long as 60 hours without all three. I knew I would feel some kind of withdrawal. I just didn’t know what to expect.


Dear Mail Carrier: Please Bring Me My Meds…Quick

Saturday, January 7th, 2012

I screwed up. I am blessed to have an amazing prescription drug plan. I send in my prescriptions for $60, I get a three-month supply. Doesn’t matter which drug or how much it really costs. I pay just $60. So, why do I wait until I am nearly out of my meds to mail in the refills?

This time I waited so long that I have run out of one of my meds. Today is my third day without it. I called the prescription service and they said they sent it four days ago. Hopefully, it will come today. Still, I am going to see my nurse practitioner first thing on Monday morning.

I have never been this reckless before with my medications. I always – ALWAYS – take them as prescribed and I feel good, even great, most of the time. I’m waiting for withdrawal to kick in. Last night I had an incredibly vivid and terrible dream. I was in a building – seemed like a hotel – and it was stormed by some guys who were going from room-to-room shooting people. Everyone was trying to hide. I was under a table covered with a long tablecloth. Another woman was with me. The shooter pulled back the tablecloth and killed her but did not see me. I woke up with my mouth hanging open, feeling like I had been in such a deep sleep for so long that I could not move. And now I am feeling a little manicky. I’m not bouncing off the walls but, man, do I have some great ideas!


Hoping for a Happy Ending
Check out Christine's book!
Hope for a Happy Ending: A Journalist's
Story of Depression, Bipolar and Alcoholism
Christine Stapleton

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