“This” has been coming on for a few weeks. It’s been creeping up on me so it was no surprise this morning when I woke up and said “uncle – game over.” I have reached a tipping point and the depression is now ahead.
I sent my boss an email and told him I would not be in today – maybe the rest of the week. I called my psych nurse – which I hardly ever do – and she said she thought it could be the generic antidepressant I’m taking. She prescribed the brand name and $152 later, we shall see if she is right.
I went back to bed. When I got up, I had slept 15 of 17 hours. I could have slept more but I dragged myself out of bed. I know the longer I lay in a dark room the worse this will be. Prone is the enemy.
I am going to try to describe that it feels like when the depression becomes debilitating. First, I am tired. It is a consuming exhaustion. All my muscles, especially those in my face feel slack. The back of my eyeballs ache. Everything – my thinking especially – is thick and heavy. It feels like you are living underwater and every movement requires effort. Life feels relentless. I just want to sit here and stare off into space, or sleep.
Driving back from the pharmacy I told myself, “this is not real. This is a chemical imbalance in your brain. This will not last. This is not what your life is about. You will feel better.”
I don’t feel any better. That’s the problem with antidepressants. You have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in or if they will ever kick in – which sucks.
My dog needs a walk and I do not want to walk him. I want to go back to bed. But I have to walk him and this is a good thing. Thank God for that mutt. I know I need to get up and move. So does he.
After that, I am going to the gym. Frankly, I would rather pluck my eyebrows with a pair of pliers because everything feels futile right now. But I know this is the right thing to do. In my last major depression – the big one 8 years ago – I went to the gym everyday. It got me out of the house and even though they were fairly lame workouts, I did them – alone – but I did them.
I’m heading out the door now. It’s time to go. I really feel like crap but it’s time to go. Time to go.
Depression image available from Shutterstock
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Last reviewed: 29 Apr 2013