Today is the day the rubber hits the road. The pedal hits the metal. My alcoholism, depression, bipolar hit the proverbial fan. And a bunch of other stupid idioms that somehow seem appropriate right now.
My five-year relationship with a childhood sweetheart ended after he casually mentioned, while describing his “epic” vacation, that his ex-wife tagged along. He couldn’t believe I wasn’t more understanding because, really, it was in the kids’ best interest. Really?
The last time something like this happened I ended up in a major, major, major depression – a frog’s hair from a bottle or three of chardonnay – and on disability for two months. Depression is a bitch and relationship angst is my biggest trigger.
So, today I get to blow the dust off of all those tools I have acquired in countless therapy sessions, 12-step meetings, self-help books, feeble attempts at meditation and a stint in co-dependency treatment center. I am hoping they work. I am praying they work. I am counting on them working, along with my medications.
I will remember that I can control my thoughts. I can stop ruminating on thoughts that make me angry or sad and change them to something that make me feel better. I will envision lifting the arm from a song I don’t like on my teenage record player and setting it down on a song I like.
Speaking of songs, no Sarah MacLaughlin or other depressing music. I have a tendency to listen to depressing music when I am sad. Again, I am the DJ. I get to pick the music. Instead of listening to U2’s Running to Stand Still over and over – like I did yesterday – I will download Good Life by OneRepublic and listen until I sing the lyrics in my sleep.
Get the happy-times-together photos out of sight.
I will do something that requires intense focus – like data analysis – to shut out my racing thoughts.
I will stop isolating and call my sister.
I will not beat myself up, tell myself I am a loser and that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
I will tell myself – and believe – that I deserve to be treated better.
I will remind myself over and over that these feelings are temporary. They will not last.
I will get at least eight hours of sleep every night.
I will not pick up a drink or take drugs.
I will go to the gym.
I will get down on my knees and pray – hard.
I will get through this.
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Last reviewed: 26 Jul 2012