Depression and Co-dependency

Right now codependency is my biggest problem. Right now codependency is the #1 threat to my mental health. Right now I am saying “yes” when I know I should say “no.” I should be setting boundaries and asking questions. I should be putting my own needs first instead of trying to please another.

I should not be sitting here rehearsing speeches in my head that will likely never leave my lips. I should be saying “no” – as a complete sentences, no explanations. I should not wait for you to tell me how you feel before I decide how I feel.  I should not want to do what you want to do because I am afraid you won’t want to be with me if I say “I don’t want to do that.”

Now that I know what codependency is and I understand how it damages me, I get angry at myself when I see myself doing it. It’s like watching myself put my hand over a flame knowing that it will burn me. I get angry at myself because I am a dogged, driven, annoying newspaper reporter. I have no problem hammering a politician with questions or asking a victim intimate details of a crime. So, why can’t I – won’t I – ask the questions I need answered – deserved to have answered – in my personal relationships?

My anger at myself decimates my self-esteem. I soul brims with resentments against you. My brain whirls. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for not standing up for myself. And I hate myself because I lose myself and don’t even know what I really want anymore.

One thing I know and want – stop being codependent. Say it. Ask it. Believe it. Want it. Take it. You deserve it.

Sigh.