The greatest gift that you can give to your daughter at this time is the gift of loveing acceptance.

If you place SO much importance on her college place it will leave her thinking that your appreciation of her is dependent on her academic and career success. You need to let her know that you love and appreciate her for who she is even if she isn’t the brightest or the best.

Even if you had been the most perfect parent in the world she still might not be doing a lot better.

You can’t change any of that now in any case. You’ve just got to try to deal with the present situation with as much serenity and perspective as you can manage.

Thanks for your comments. I don’t care where she goes. She definitely WANTS to go but her test scores and transcripts are a problem. That’s where MY problem is. I feel I should have been more involved in her education.

Kudos to you for trying and admitting you have a disease that isn’t your fault. You are doing the very best you can. You can’t do any more than that. Take it one day at a time. You’ll get there.

If I did not know any better, I would have said I wrote this about myself. Never have I seen a depiction of how I felt that was more appropriate.
As my daughter grows older, I grow wiser and realize that I do not have the energy to keep trying to erase the past.
My energy is now focused on the present and rebuilding our life with strength, love, and recovery!

If I did not know any better, I would have said I wrote this about myself. Never have I seen a depiction of how I felt that was more appropriate.
As my daughter grows older, I grow wiser and realize that I do not have the energy to keep trying to erase the past.
My energy is now focused on the present and rebuilding our life with strength, love, and recovery!
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.

As a child with an (undiagnosed) emotionally unstable mother and depressed/crack addicted father, I can tell you first hand that the one thing we want - no, need - is for you to express your love for us. Often, in moments of our parents’ active using or devastating mental illness, that expression is not present: we end up feeling ignored, angry, betrayed, hurt and not worthy of your time. During the days when things are calm, each of us holds on to our parents’ love like a lifeline, savoring every drop before it is lost again. Though rarely do any of us vocalize it, that love is what we need all the time - not just when things are OK. We need you to be there when we seek advice, hug us if the moment feels right and be a rock for us to lean on when our world falls apart - without conditions or exceptions. Sadly, most of us rarely get that and end up acting out, doing poorly in school, getting into abusive relationships, developing our own pile of issues and remaining deeply angry at the parent who deprived us for years to come (yet, deep inside, all we STILL want is your love!)

The recovery and stability you have now mean the world to your daughter. From what you have written through this blog, it seems as if you two have a good relationship. No, you can’t change the past; however, being there for her through this rough time now is what she needs. Hearing you beat yourself up - or even sensing that you feel this way - is only going to produce anger and guilt. If you were my mother, I would want your support, love and maybe even a responsibility-accepting apology. While the last is not necessary, it can make a world of a difference.

If you choose to give one, try to stay away from that self-pity. Don’t try to excuse your mistakes (”I was mentally ill and couldn’t help it”) because even if you were ill you still MADE those choices and trying to say otherwise will only make things worse. Instead, try something along the lines of:

“I know I’ve made some significant mistakes as a parent while raising you. Considering it all, you’ve turned into an amazing young woman - often, without my help or guidance. If I could take everything I’ve done to hurt you back I would; however, I can’t and now that I’m recovering hope that I can help you during this terrible time.”

I wish you the best with your daughter. I hope one day you can find peace and forgive yourself. Mental illness is a terrible thing, both to experience and watch somebody close to you experience. I have been on both sides of the story: loving somebody who is ill and dealing with it myself. I’m glad you’re in recovery, even if I don’t know you personally, and hope it continues for many years to come.

With Love,
Erika

Erika:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I got home from work and made an apology without excuses. She is an amazing young woman and I am blessed to have such a daughter. And I am blessed to have readers who can gently thump me upside the head when I need it. Thank you, again.

Christine:
I’m glad to hear that. The fact you gave that apology will mean a lot to her and it makes me delighted to know that. Good luck with everything. i wish you well.

With Love,
Erika

Does your daughter read this site? Because if/when she reads this entry she is going to feel tremendously guilty and awful - that she couldn’t be “enough” without your help, that she gave you “more” to worry about, that she “made” you feel guiltier.

This is going to sound incredibly harsh and I truly do not mean it to. I am not yet a parent, but I am a child of a parent who was not diagnosed yet was mentally ill. My parents are divorced. I myself have more then 20 years of MDD-that’s-actually-probably-bipolar. I read your post and I winced for your daughter’s sake. I know how I would feel if my mom had said those things - who does, on occasion try to apologize and say similar things. Awful, guilty, horrible. And yes, I would hide it from my mom, who would then feel how wonderful I was that I could understand. Your post was selfish, because it did not take your daughter’s feelings into account when she reads it. You are giving her yet another instance where she may (will) feel she has to protect you.

P.S. I have two ivy league degrees. Turns out, my mom didn’t have any thing to do with it.

I have often felt a lot of guilt from my parents who are controlling. Getting space from them emotionally feels like I am just ending the relationship. Parents must know when to let go.

Christine,

If your daughter would have success in life, would that be your doing or hers?
Then why do her failures have to be yours?

Of course no one knows exactly what your life was like except for yourself and your daughter. Of course you failed her sometimes. We all fail sometimes. And lots of apparently “high-achieving” kids are quite miserable…

I was going to suggest making a sincere and very SPECIFIC apology if you truly failed her — no general mea culpa; you can’t apologize for having mental illness any more than you can apologize for having brown hair - but you can say how sorry you were for, say, missing a school event, or not supporting her in some activity that was important.But I went back and read that you have done that already - and it went well.

What you HAVE shown her is that having real problems didn’t stop you from doing your best to create a good life for yourself and for her- that a person can take steps to make life better.

A practical caution - I was a kid who always felt that I had to be in control, but inside felt I didn’t measure up… I wish someone(like a parent) had taken me by the hand and shown me 1) that I was lovable, and 2)that what I had “accomplished” at 12 or 16 or 22 didn’t determine my life. If anything, your daughter needs the support to follow her interests now, developing her discipline, courage and resilience to make her own way in the world. She may need a pass on being responsive to her mom’s needs in order to attend to her own growth.