I got sober within hours of my husband and I splitting up. That was 11 years ago. Our daughter was 6. She is about to turn turn 18 and we are in college application hell. For the mentally ill parent – especially those of us who are dual diagnosed – this is our judgment day.

For many of us, we stare at the ACT and SAT scores, the transcripts and the lack of extra-curricular activities and we think, “Man, did I screw up. I failed her and now she will have to pay the consequences for my alcoholism, depression and bipolar.”

Could I have pushed her harder to join a club, try out for a team and study more? Yes. Could I have worked fewer hours and spent more quality time with her? Yes. Could I have been stricter, more disciplined and encouraging? Yes. Should I have gotten help for my alcoholism, depression and bipolar sooner? Yes. I could go on like this for hours, beating up myself for things I could and should have done.

I know a very wealthy woman with no children who blasts recovering addicts and alcoholics for continuing to use our illnesses as excuses for bad behavior. Is that what I am doing now? Am I using my alcoholism, depression and bipolar as excuses for the mistakes I have made as a parent – even as a sober parent? I want to shout – “I was trying to stay sober! My parents were terminally ill! I got divorced (again)! It was hard being a newly sober and single working parent!  I didn’t know I had depression or bipolar back then!”

But another voice shouts back: “Come on, you have been sober, in therapy and on your medications for awhile now. Your parents died years ago. Clearly, you could have been a better parent but you chose to use your illnesses as an excuse.” I simultaneously sit on my pity pot and beat myself up.

I know that all parents make mistakes. But for those of us with mental illnesses – especially alcoholism and addictions – there is a fine line between using our illnesses as an excuse for our bad behavior and using our illnesses as an excuse to beat ourselves up.

I cannot see that line, only the rejection letter.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (October 21, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 21 Oct 2009