I want the dreams to stop. They are not nightmares. They are bad dreams. Years of therapy have given me an explanation, but no solution. It seems to come down to this: I cannot control my subconscious, which really sucks.

I have these kinds of dreams over and over, year after year.

• I say something that seems innocuous but apparently it is terribly offensive and I get yelled at.
• I am on a ski slope, skiing by myself, trying to hook up with my friends. By the time I get to the bottom of the hill the snow has melted and I am trying to ski on mud. I still can’t find my friends.
• I find myself in a predicament and I jump up into the air, hands over my head like Super Man. I do a few butterfly kicks (I swam butterfly as a kid) and I am off, away from my problem, looking down at it. I fly around, people see me, I go about my business and I am so happy I can fly. Then I fly too high and realize I never learned how to land. I am terrified.
• The classic last-day-of-the-semester dream, I am getting A’s in all my classes, then realize I haven’t gone to a single class or done a single assignment for one class. I can’t find the professor or the lecture hall or even the day and time of the class.
• Sometimes I have nightmares. I wake up trying to scream but all I can muster is some guttural moan and I wake up.

You can read a lot into these dreams. They are kind of no-brainers. I just want them to stop. I have had only two happy dreams that I can remember. One involved me, George Clooney, and the privacy of a tent. In the other I was Lance Armstrong’s girlfriend and he wanted my opinion of his training regimen. Exciting, huh?

I have made so much progress in the last three years of therapy, medication tinkering and sobriety. My life is good, stable and consistent. I can trust myself and my feelings. But I can’t seem to do a damn thing about these dreams. Sometimes I think I am just hard wired for anxiety and depression. No matter how much I work on and improve my waking life, deep down the depression and anxiety are still there, wanting to come out and play.
I will keep working on it. Saying my Hail Mary’s until I fall asleep – praying that George and Lance will reappear. Dream on.

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Cindy Nelson (September 9, 2009)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (September 9, 2009)

Treating Your Anxiety | Give Up too Fast! (September 15, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 9 Sep 2009