What I hate most about anxiety is waking up with it. It’s like an emotional hangover – the first thing you feel before you open your eyes. I want to be able to tie my anxiety to an event or person or thing. Maybe then I could make sense of it. But I can’t. It is just there, tight and nauseous in my chest. I so badly want it to go away. It is Saturday! It is gorgeous outside!
I run down my gratitude list, hoping that will help: I have been unscathed by the recession – keeping my job and the same pay; I have a teenage daughter who is beautiful, healthy, fun, funny and has never given me any trouble; Ten years after my divorce, I get along with her father; I have a book about to be published; I have a cute little house in a trendy neighborhood; I have friends; I can ride my bike to the ocean; I have money in the bank; I am healthy and weigh the same as I did in college; I am blessed.
Still, I feel rotten and bad. I want to be alone. I want to get back into bed, curl up into the tightest fetal position I can and pray for sleep that is not filled with dreams that make me more anxious. I know everyone has days when they feel overwhelmed, flat and sad. But when those of us with depression feel this way, we don’t know if it is an ordinary, run-of-the-mill blah spell or if it is the beginning of something far more out of the ordinary. And THIS can make us more anxious.
So I am pulling out my tool box. I am going to use every tool I need today to take care of myself. I am going to take my meds, say my prayers, ride my bike to the park, go to the gym, swim and hang-out with a friend tonight.
Thou shalt not get back into bed and curl up into a fetal position.
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Be gentle with yourself…remember that you missed meds this week.
Use the analogy of the pill. If you had missed two days of birth control pills, you would be using a condom for the rest of the month or risk getting pregnant.
So consider yourself wrapped in latex (I know…gross) and be gentle with yourself for the rest of the month.
An insightfull post. Will definitely help.
Thanks,
Karim – Positive thinking
Oh do I know the feeling of depression and the resulting illnesses such as Cronic Fatigue (CFS). Cipralex and Seroquel keep me going otherwise I would have falling off the cliff a few years ago.
Stay positive and seek help even if it means meds for a few years. Believe me it has benefited me greatly.
Cheers,
FWN
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