“and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So, it’s like this: We still don’t know who, what or where the layoffs will be but we DO know WHEN: September 1. About nine weeks. Most of the summer.

Because my little bipolar brain compulsively over-thinks everything, I have come to this conclusion: I have choices. Lot’s of them: I can CHOOSE to let this ruin my summer; I can CHOOSE to ask for help from my friends, therapist, boss and nurse practitioner; I can CHOOSE to look for another job; I can CHOOSE to have a rotten attitude at work and bring everyone else down; I can CHOOSE to have faith in my higher power (God); and I can CHOOSE to be a victim before I know I am a victim. If I CHOOSE to make bad choices, I risk falling into my black hole.

Just realizing I have these choices has given me incredible peace of mind – serenity. Having these choices means I have some control. Last week I felt like I had no control – helpless and hopeless. I could see the black hole and I was walking toward it. I cannot fix my brain but I can control the thoughts and feelings that will make my mental illnesses worse.

When I choose to believe that I have no choices, I am one step closer to a drink. I am one thought closer to unleashing a flood of chemicals in my brain that put me at risk for a depression or bipolar episode. I am one feeling away from emotion martyrdom.

This epiphany hit me in church last Sunday. The sermon was about faith (coincidence? I think not) Remember when you were a kid standing on the side of the pool and you knew you couldn’t swim? Remember your mom or dad standing in the pool saying “Come on, jump! I’ll catch you”? Remember making that jump without fear, knowing that your mom or dad would catch you?

That’s where I am today with this whole layoff situation. I’m standing on the side of the pool. I choose to jump.

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    Last reviewed: 27 Jun 2009