“Okay” is not a feeling.

“Fine” is not a feeling.

“Alright” is not a feeling.

“So-so” is not a feeling.

“Just peachy” is not a feeling.

“With my hands” is not a feeling.

These are the responses I give when someone asks “How ya feeling?” I have designed my life to avoid feelings. I hate feelings. They scare me. In my family we did not “do” feelings. When I came out of my last depression I learned that I needed to start “feeling my feelings.”

“Oh, great!,” I thought. “Psycho-babble. And how much am I paying you an hour to tell me this?”

Problem was, I could only name three feelings: happy, sad, mad. That was my life. You were either happy, sad or mad. I began going to a group and we started every session with a go round, announcing – in one word – how we were feeling. I had to get a list of feelings to learn the others besides my three. I had to really think about it when we started to go-round. “How am I feeling? Hmmmm?”

Of course I lost the list but I learned a lot of them. Nowadays I feel them all: Scared; anxious; embarrassed; silly; brave; cocky; lonely; overwhelmed; timid; uncertain; aggressive; confident; humble; and a bunch more. Who woulda thought there could be so many feelings?

What I have learned about feelings is that they are very valuable. I still don’t like them, but I appreciate their worth. When I have identified my feeling, I ask myself “Why?” Very often it has little to do with what is happening NOW but what happened THEN.

Unfelt feelings do not hibernate. They marinate. When something happens NOW that triggers an unfelt feeling from THEN, all hell can break lose. If I let that happen I risk a depression or a manic tirade. That’s what has been going on with me for the last week.

My therapist explained to me that when you have worked for a company for nearly half your life – 24 years – and you really love your job and the company – you begin to look at the company as a parent – taking care of your physical needs with health insurance, providing a livelihood and a place to find like-minded people with similar interests – workplace siblings. If you have abandonment and trust issues stemming from childhood and the company says, you can’t be part of the corporate family anymore – IT HURTS! You see what has happened to co-workers who have already been kicked out of the “family” and that is really, really SCARY!

The fear, hurt and anger I have felt since a second round of lay-offs was announced last week nearly pushed me over the edge. My responses became irrational and desperate. But somehow, knowing why I reacted the way I did makes it much easier to deal with these feeling. So today, at 12:30 pm, I will go to a company-wide meeting and learn more about the layoffs. Whatever I feel, I will know why and I will remind myself that feelings are not facts. They are just feelings.

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    Last reviewed: 24 Jun 2009