I have not reacted well to the news that our company will lay-off more workers. It’s been five days since the news and I have spent most of that time totally freaked out…and angry. I am angry at the boss for his oh-by-the-way-there-will-be-more-layoffs announcement, 45-minutes into a meeting about something else entirely. I am freaked out because everyone else is freaked out about losing their job in this economy. It’s contagious. And I am freaked out because this kind of news pushes all kinds of buttons that actually have nothing to do with losing my job. Abandonment, rejection, FEAR!

Anger and fear. Hmmmmm. Wonder that THAT can trigger in a 50-year-old single mom with alcoholism, bipolar and depression – who looks like Carrot Top because she tried to cheer herself up last night by coloring her hair?

Five days out I can look back – with the help of my best friend and therapist – and see what happened. My mania-switch goes ON when I am afraid. I must do something and keep doing something – like canceling my vacation and appointment to get my hair colored by people who actually know how to color hair. Gotta save money, right?

I was about to cancel my appointment with the dermatologist (at which I was going to treat myself to an anti-wrinkle procedure) when my therapist told me to STOP feeding my fear.

“Yes, you can pinch some pennies but you need that vacation and you have been saving for this “anti-wrinkle” procedure,” she said. “Do it.”

Then she helped me to think through the impending lay-offs: The first to go will be those with the least seniority. I have 24 years with the company; I have computer skills that no one else has and they need those skills; I am extremely loyal and hardworking; and I love what I do.

I would not lose my house because I am so tight with money that I squeak when I walk and could pay it off if need be. I will not go hungry. My daughter’s college is paid for. I would leave the company with months of severance pay and my medical benefits. My 401K is tanking but the sky is not falling. I will be okay.

Still, I feel as though my brain really enjoys ruminating upon worst case scenarios. When that mania switch goes on I am not able to turn it off. I need help. I need my best friend to come over and sit at my kitchen table and listen as I freak out. I need to know that she cares for me: “Have you had any thoughts of killing yourself?” I need my therapist to help me walk through my fears and calm my mania.

I need lots of help.

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    Last reviewed: 21 Jun 2009