Among the many things my father was told when he was diagnosed with lung cancer was this: Find something to look forward to. He did. Amid his chemo and radiation, I gave birth to his first grandchild. My brother gave him his second and third. My sister his fourth and fifth.

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she did the same. Amid her surgery, chemo and radiation there were birthdays and First Communions. Vacations. Christmas. Tea parties. Cookies to be made and books to be read.

I am thinking of my mother and father today and how well they were able to find a carrot and dangle it in front of themselves. Mentally, it kept them strong and fit during their suffering and deaths. It made us feel as though we were as vital to their treatment as their medications. It distracted all of us and gave us hope.

For the last week I have been praying and searching for a carrot. Please God, help me find a carrot today. I am sure there are carrots all around me but I cannot see them. My depression is blinding me. This is how it starts. A dash of dysthymia. A dollop of despair.

I have two weeks vacation coming up. I have nothing planned. Vacations have always been my salvation. I spend months focusing on where I will go, what I will see, who I will travel with, what I will take, what book will I read and on and on. I love to travel. Last summer I went to northern Michigan with a man I was seeing. (emphasis on “WAS”).

This year there is no vacation planned. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is what I need. But I feel so empty. I almost dread taking two-weeks off. I caught myself saying to someone last week – “I have to take two weeks off next month…” I know for my mental health I must get out of here. I need to be away. I want to get away. But where? With whom?

I know have so much to be grateful for: I have a job, medical benefits, friends and a great dog. My daughter is starting her senior year in high school and we are on the hunt for a college – a milestone that thrills and terrifies me.

But today I need a carrot. I really need a carrot. I need to feel and believe there is something really good just ahead. Something, some place, someone just ahead. Please God, help me find a carrot today.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (June 15, 2009)

Bertalan Meskó, MD (June 15, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 15 Jun 2009