Two days ago we had a meeting at the office. We have learned that when there is a meeting, something big is happening. Little things come in emails. Big things come in meetings. Last summer half the newsroom accepted buyouts after a meeting. Those of us left gathered at 1:30 pm on Tuesday.

First, the good news: looks like we have already hit bottom and are on our way up. Then, the wonk news – a new org chart. Forty-five minutes into the presentation of the new org chart came THE NEWS: There will be more layoffs. We don’t know when or how many, but sometime before the end of the year. WHAT!!!!

The new org chart became a blur. I couldn’t hear what the boss was saying about who will report to whom. I did hear the part about some folks having to re-apply for their jobs. I definitely heard – over and over – the phrase “we will be smaller”.

After the meeting I went back to work. I told myself, “You have been through this before. Last summer. You made it. Remember, we decided then that whatever happens, you WILL by okay. You did all your worrying last year. Whatever happens, you will be okay. You will be okay. You will be okay. Onward!”

Wrong.

Last night I had a horrible dream. I was laid off. Twenty-four years with this company, a single-mom with depression and a daughter headed to college next year and I was laid off, escorted from my office immediately. No good-byes. No chance to ask “why me?” Just a door. I dreamed I was not allowed in the building. I was an outcast.

Apparently, I did not do all my worrying last summer. This summer, too, will be a summer of uncertainty. Anxiety, fear and worry. Bad dreams and frenetic workdays – if I just work harder and faster they won’t lay me off. If ever there was a prescription FOR depression, this is it.

I have to pull out my toolbox again. Eat right, exercise, pray, see the therapist, call your girlfriends, pray some more, take your meds, count your blessings not the dollars in your 401K. Breathe. I got through this once without diving into my black hole. I can do it again.

Right?

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    Last reviewed: 18 Jun 2009