Among the tools I have been given in recovery is this gem: “Think it through.”

Yea, that ice cold, sweaty bottle of Corona with a lime it in looks sooooo good. But what happens after that first sip? You have another. And another, and another, and another….Then I will do or say something I will regret or I will have no memory of what I did. The next time I see these people I will have to wonder what I said or did to them after I drank 10 Coronas. In the morning I will wake up feeling like #$&*%. My head will be in a vice, my face will be blotchy and my eyes red. I will feel guilty. I will hate myself. I will get depressed.

That is how “thinking it through” works. This is how I stay sober and stable. But “thinking it through” is an unnatural act if you have bipolar, like me. When you are bipolar you think about as far ahead as the next blink of your eye. All kinds of stuff comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I sound almost brilliant and I have to look around to see if someone else said that. Sometimes I say stuff that is amazingly sarcastic and hurtful: “Did I just say that?”

This week I wanted to make a phone call to a guy I used to date. I told my best friend and she helped me think it through: “You know he’s not going to answer.” “You know you will leave a message and he won’t call you back.” “You know you will spend the next week checking your cell phone every ten minutes to see if he called or sent a txt.” “You know you will drive yourself crazy.”

Thank God for best friends. I won’t make that call today.

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Sociologist Tina (June 13, 2009)

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    Last reviewed: 13 Jun 2009