It is 5:23 am. I have a been up for 1/2-an-hour. I have a hellish day in front of me.

I have been given the inane task of creating an interactive database and posting it on the paper’s website as quickly as possible – which is never quick enough for my editors. They tip-toe up behind me – because I have a startle issue and I jump six-feet in the air when my concentration is broken – and they ask “How’s it going?” Over and over this will happen – tip-toe, jump, question – tip-toe, jump, question – tip-toe, jump, question.

“It’s going,” I will tell them.

Creating and deploying interactive databases on our website is NOT in my job description. It is part of the job description of a woman who is on VACATION. I am in investigative reporter. I am not supposed to be doing this – how shall I say? CRAP!

A couple of years ago – before I was diagnosed with hypomania and prescribed a mood stabililzer – this situation would have sent me richter. Back then, editors tip-toed up behind me hoping to dodge the wrath of Christine. If you are not bipolar – even mildly bipolar like me – you probably cannot understand the significance of my current reaction to this situation.

Yesterday, I vented to a couple of co-workers, who actually listened without looking like I was about to punch them. Even after my computer crashed and was whisked away by the computer guy, I did not explode. I sighed, not realizing that my editor’s, editor’s editor was standing behind me. “I heard that sigh,” he joked. “Just breathe.”

“Hey, I’m cool. Bob is the one doing the Lamaze breathing,” I said – making all of us smile – even Bob, who sits next to me, endures my whining and still offers to help me.

You are probably reading this, thinking “Man, what a self-righteous bee-otch. She should be grateful to have a job.” You are absolutely correct. The funny thing is, I actually am capable of having that thought today. This would not have crossed my mind several years ago – before the mood stabilizer and therapy.

Today, I even have THESE thoughts: “Hey, this is a great opportunity to learn a highly marketable skill!” And “Hey, this is a great opportunity to work on another computer, which has a different operating system. What a great learning experience!” And “Hey, now they know they can rely on me to perform tasks outside of my job description!” And “Hey, I am making progress!”

I know that indignant, self-righteous bee-otch is still inside me. But I can see that she is not the screaming banshee she was a few years ago. This is HUGE progress for me. I can see that all the therapy and medications are working! This is soooooo important for those of us who suffer from bipolar and depression because sometimes the changes in our behavior happen so slowly that we cannot see them. Being able to finally see my own progress inspires me to keep taking the meds and keep going to therapy and keep working on myself.

I probably won’t skip into the newsroom this morning but I AM very grateful for my job and opportunity to learn new skills today. I am grateful for the chance to show myself and my coworkers that I have gained a smidgen of humility and will help them. I am immensely grateful for the opportunity to see my progress. And I am especially grateful that I will not be doing any expletive-laced Lamaze breathing today.

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    Last reviewed: 28 May 2009