Alcohol is a depressant. I wished someone had told me this when I was 14, when my drinking career began. Although at that age it wouldn’t have meant anything to me. I was going to drink regardless of any warnings. 

I drank despite two car accidents and two suicide attempts. I drank to be a part of and I drank to be different.  I drank for any good or bad reason or none at all. I only learned three years ago that alcohol is to depression what gasoline is to fire. I am 50.

I knew early on that not-drinking made me calmer, more stable and balanced. I actually quit drinking for ten years, between ages 20-30. Of course I embarked upon a marijuana maintenance plan so I was not exactly clean and sober. I picked up drinking again when I was 30, right where I left off. I was back on the roller coaster. 

Ten years, two divorces and one child later, I threw in the towel. I had had enough. I have been sober now for over 10 years. Still, I did not make the connection between alcohol and depression until I was seven years sober. A major depression struck and I had no way to numb the pain. Alcohol was not an option. Asking for help was all I had left.

It worked. Therapy, medications and humility. Today I am healthy. I can look back over the decades and my life makes sense. I do not use my dual-diagnosis as an excuse for things I have done. I use it to stop beating myself up and start making amends. I use it to help me understand myself.

Drinking on my depression explains why, for so many years, I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear a voice in my head, saying to someone: “Oh, she killed herself. She put a gun in her mouth…” It explains why I reached for the drink in the first place – to give me some relief – even a few hours – from my depression. It explains why my hangovers lasted more than a day, because the alcohol in my brain short circuited synapses that did not work properly because of my depression. 

What came first – the depression or the alcoholism? It does not matter to me. I am definitely an alcoholic. I definitely have depression and bipolar. All that matters is that alcohol is a depressant and I have depression.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 8, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 8 Apr 2009