http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/03/opinion/03sexton.html?scp=1&sq=linda%20gray%20sexton&st=cse

Mary

My mother died of cancer, not suicide, when I was twenty-five, and I can tell you from experience having a mother that long is not enough. Her death triggered my first episode of major depression, which lasted more than four excruciating years. Now that I have children of my own I miss my mother more than ever. My oldest child, a 4 1/2 year-old daughter, knows her grandmother died and whenever we talk about it, she starts to cry and sobs, “I miss her!” Even though they never met, her feelings toward my mother are genuine and deep. She understands there’s an absence in her life where another loving human being should be.

Just because your children may no longer need you in the sense that they rely on you to put food on the table and a roof over their heads, they neither need or deserve to be psychologically abandoned by you at any point in their lives. You’re kidding yourself if you think their loss of you by your own hand won’t scar them for life and that they’d be better off without you. Trust me, a depressed mother is better than no mother at all.

I consider myself to have survived two suicides — one occurred shortly before I was born, the other just recently. My entire life I’ve witnessed my father and grandmother attempt to deal with the bitterness, anger, confusion, sorrow, abandonment, grief, bewilderment and despair they were left with in the wake of the first suicide — the one that happened before I was born. That suicide robbed me of the people they were and would’ve been if the suicide hadn’t occurred.

As a result, I’ve decided to fight the contagion and break the cycle. I’ve vowed never to inflict that measure of undescribable, intractable pain on anyone I love. And frankly, the fact that I don’t have that option frightens me. I dread having to live through another relapse, I can’t imagine going through that kind of pain again, but I’m in talk therapy with a great psychiatrist, I’m finally on the right medication, and I’ve got a great support network in my friends, who are all well aware of my health problems. If you can, Jude, try erasing suicide from your list of options for finding relief from your psychic pain and start considering the choices that remain. Don’t just wait around passively until your kids graduate. Start going to therapy or get a new therapist; get on drugs or switch your prescription . . . just do something! And remember, as the tragic story of the Plath/Hughes family shows, if you kill yourself, your kids are more likely to do the same. That’s a terrible legacy to pass on.

Courage to you –

Susan

Thanks.