One of the few good things about being in a deep, dark clinical depression is that it opens your mind. Wide open. Desperation and hopelessness will do that. It did for me. I found a God I could trust. 

I was raised an Irish-Catholic – no meat on Fridays, no chocolate during Lent and trading holy cards like baseball cards. Soon as I was old enough I fell away from the church. For decades I bounced back and forth – being an atheist, then an agnostic. It just seemed God never answered my fox hole prayers. Go figure.

When you are in enough pain, you will try anything. The medicine didn’t seem to be working. My therapy was at a standstill. Even exercise failed me. What the hell? Why not try God again? What seemed like more unanswered fox hole prayers turned into anger at God, pleading and bargaining with God. Without realizing it I was developing a relationship with a God I had never known. 

It finally came down to faith – faith that the medicine would work, faith that I would eventually come out of my black hole, faith that I could handle this, faith that something greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The choice was mine: take off my cape and surrender to faith or go back to wondering if my Prius could produce enough carbon monoxide to kill me. I surrendered to faith. 

My fox hole prayers were finally answered. I have a God in my life. She has a wicked sense of humor. He lets me rant at him. It shows itself in the corals and fish I see when I go diving to the bottom of the ocean. We have a pretty good time.

 


Comments


View Comments / Leave a Comment

This post currently has 4 comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

Trackbacks

No trackbacks yet to this post.






    Last reviewed: 25 Mar 2009

APA Reference
Stapleton, C. (2009). God, as I understand him…her…it. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 27, 2015, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/depression/2009/03/god-as-i-understand-himherit/

 

Hoping for a Happy Ending
Check out Christine's book!
Hope for a Happy Ending: A Journalist's
Story of Depression, Bipolar and Alcoholism
Christine Stapleton

Subscribe to this Blog: Feed

Recent Comments
  • Sabiha Swenson-Sierra: Find a nonprofit charity organization that helps with this. i.e. Catholic Charities.
  • Sabiha Swenson-Sierra: There is a way…get legal guardianship, establish dependency. Most insurance companies...
  • Amanda: Ugh. This is one of the things that annoys me most about dealing with mood issues. People tell me to either...
  • Catherine: Well said! I used to feel I had to deliberately stop functioning (albeit on auto) just to convince such...
  • Christine Stapleton: Hey, I totally get it. I believe my mother suffered from dysthymia. When I look back at her...
Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code



Users Online: 12240
Join Us Now!