In part I, which was posted on May 3rd, I discussed how people often engage in problematic behaviors, such as over or under eating, drinking and smoking in response to stress.  In an American Psychological Association survey on stress, people reported lack of willpower as preventing them from making the lifestyle and behavior changes recommended by a health care provider.

In order to improve their willpower, women said they needed to decrease fatigue, increase energy and improve confidence.

Men were more likely to say they need more money, while women were more likely to say they need more time.  Women identified household chores, in particular, as interfering with their willpower to cope with stress in healthy ways.

This post will focus on improving confidence and finding time.

Are you trying to make positive changes in your life?  When we want to do something differently, say, to stop smoking, curb our temper or exercise more frequently, we often start with enthusiasm.  But habits are hard to change. After an initial burst of energy, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior.

What we too frequently ignore when we try to make changes is what is happening around us that either enhances motivation or encourages us to slip back into the status quo.

When you are trying to make changes, what happens as soon as you act in a particular way has an impact on whether you will stick it out.  Say, for example, you’d like to exercise more often.  We all know the long-term benefits of exercise, but what happens as soon as you make the decision to exercise? 

How you interact matters, as much as and sometimes more than, the words that you say.  Imagine someone asking for a raise.  One person does so with a smile and straightforward gaze, while another says the same words with a frown and stares at her shoes and hangs her head.

Your body language and style not only affect the outcome, but also the way you feel.  Sometimes we interact in ways that wear at our own self-confidence.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Suess

Situation:  Someone “borrows” things from you and doesn’t return them

Try this:  Explain the situation, “I’m out of cash and need the $5 you borrowed.” Express how you feel, “I keep worrying about it and I’d be relieved to have it back.” Ask (and possibly offer a solution), “can you have it for me this afternoon?  I’ll text you to remind you, before we meet.”

Situation:  You clean the house and a partner leaves clutter and dishes all over, expecting you to pick up.

Much of the strain and conflict that causes stress in relationships occurs when your wants are consistently side-lined by your internalized sense of how you should behave.

Are you stuck “doing the right thing” while sacrificing what you want? Often, we’re stressed out not because others are expecting things from us, but because we expect them from ourselves. These internal “shoulds” may have originated in external expectations, moral codes or rules that you internalized long ago that have now become pressures you place on yourself.

People know that exercise can improve physical health. Exercise is regularly recommended by medical professionals to prevent and combat diseases such as cardiovascular disease, obesity and diabetes.

But exercise is also a great outlet for stress.  When you’re stressed, it’s important to remember that your body’s stress response originally developed during times when survival depended upon your ability to quickly and physically respond to dangers, such as attacking animals or warring tribes.

Because of this, when we become stressed, chemicals in our brains and bodies prepare us for action.

Usually, when you are feeling miserable, you have good reason. Events in life, such as unexpected circumstances, loss, relationships turning out badly, finding that circumstances are worse than you expected and being separated from loved ones can cause anguish. At times, it can feel like you barely pick yourself up from one emotional crisis when the next hits.

As much as we’d like to avoid these painful situations, they are a part of life.  It’s impossible to fully anticipate, plan for or avoid loss and other circumstances that can make you feel miserable.

Each of us makes sense of the world through our past experiences, internal expectations and beliefs. We think about the events that occur in our lives and interpret their meaning based on our history, past learning and our own personal tendencies.  Sometimes our thoughts about our lives serve us well.  They help us maintain our moral compass, weather adversity, form strong relationships and find happiness.

But sometimes we get stuck in negative thoughts or a narrow set of beliefs or expectations.  At these times we may find ourselves in repetitive patterns of conflict with others or feeling angry, stressed, anxious or fearful much of the time.  At these times, shifting how you think can have a big impact on changing how you feel.

Do you find that you have little free time?  In a recent survey of women, Real Simple Magazine found that one-half of American women don’t have enough free time and what little free time we do have is constantly interrupted.  Does this sound familiar to you?

Children, parents, partners and chores all seem to infringe on what little free time women have today.  Not to say that we don’t love and cherish those important people in our lives, but for our own well-being it’s essential that we have some time to care for ourselves and recharge.

What does your to-do list look like?  Is it filled with household chores and work obligations?  Is much of your time spent taking care of the needs of others—children, a partner, elderly parents?  Are you someone who says ‘yes’ to helping out with the PTO fundraiser, putting together that extra presentation at work or organizing the family get together?

These are all valuable things to do and many of them may be essential to the people that you care about in your life.  Some may bring you pleasure and satisfaction, while others are chores that suck away precious time and leave you off of your own list of things to do.

Women are especially prone to putting everyone else’s needs before their own, but with today’s pressures, men often find themselves in the same predicament– caring for others, while neglecting themselves. In the midst of daily demands it’s easy to lose ourselves.