When addicts and co-addicts begin to feel the pain that develops over the course of the progression of their perspective illnesses, they will look for something outside of themselves to explain the problems they or others are experiencing. (This inclination to blame others represents the core of every addict and co-addict’s DENIAL.)
When we are looking to blame someone for the quality of our own lives, a target, irrational or not, must be identified!
There must be someone, something, or some event to blame for why we behave the way we do. This is true whether our relapse is back into an active addiction, or even if the relapse is back into the unhealthy patterns of our character defects. Relapse of any kind, remember, begins with feelings of discomfort that we look to avoid or deaden in some way. Since the tendency to blame other people, places and things for the quality of our own life is a hallmark feature of our denial, the individual headed for relapse will always find a target to blame.
While the list of possible targets to blame is endless, our romantic partners unfortunately often take the brunt of our blame and justification. They are our closest accountability mirrors and thus the easiest targets for us to pick. The consequences of blaming others for our own discomfort however, can be enormous. When we set out to blame people, situations, and events for the quality of our own lives, we are merely trying to deaden the painful reality of the costs of our own behavioral choices – both past and present. In an effort to lessen the pain of our reality anything and anyone is fair game.
Selecting our partners to blame for how we are feeling or why we intend to misbehave or have misbehaved in the past is really quite easy. We will always find a target somewhere if we are looking for one. Life is full …