General Articles

Thanksgiving is Much More than Saying “Thank You”

Tuesday, November 25th, 2014

romantic_dinner-300x199Someone once said “it is really hard to have a good day with a bad attitude.” It is just as difficult to have a bad day with a good attitude.

The same is true of the satisfaction we feel in our romantic life. It is very difficult to maintain a heathy romance with a bad attitude, and it will be just as difficult to have a bad romance with a positive attitude.

There are two easy steps you can take to develop a more positive attitude


“Gratitude is the Parent of All Virtues”

Friday, September 19th, 2014

gratitude love

True tolerance of others, especially of those we love, is a virtue that all romantic partners enter into their coupleship hoping to achieve. The actual attainment of this virtue however, proves to be a most difficult and challenging feat for many of us to accomplish.

It is very challenging at times to truly tolerate the limitations and differences of others, especially when their limitations and differences impact us directly. It can become very easy to slip into an external show of tolerance on our outsides while secretly harboring and building resentment and intolerance on our insides. The good news is that we can learn how to show true tolerance to others, not just on our outsides but inside as well.


No One Can Push Your Buttons Without Permission

Tuesday, August 26th, 2014

buttonMany of us are quick to blame others for how we feel: “He makes me so mad!” or “She really hurt my feelings.

It is true that people can be hurtful and it is important to acknowledge when we are feeling that way. Denying our emotions will only make things worse, not better. But did someone really “make me angry” or are we feeling the anger in us getting kicked up in response to the way someone behaved towards us? The difference between the two is in who the responsible party is for the way we feel. If we blame others for our feelings we will eventually feel justified at whatever our retaliation may be, and we will rationalize that it was their fault, not ours. “They were driving me nuts!”


In-To-Me-See

Friday, August 8th, 2014

200484989-001True and meaningful intimacy is always based on a foundation of two romantic partners who allow each other into the inner depths of who they really are: Into me, see.

Still, many of us choose to hide behind a façade of who we aren’t  because we are so afraid to let our partner know who we really are. We are sure that if he or she would get to know the real us, they would reject us.

What we have learned in our own relationship, and in the last few decades of providing relationship counseling to the couples we work with, is how damaging it is when a partner masquerades through the romance wearing an emotional suit of armor. It may feel safe to the partner locked up in there, but we cannot get in to love them, nor have we been able to figure out a way to receive any love from them either.


Let it Go, Let it Go…

Friday, July 11th, 2014

let it goHave you ever been told to just “let it go”? Many of us hear that from well meaning friends or family members trying to calm us down when we are upset or concerned. Heck, they may even sing you a song about it! We have often wondered what “let it go” really means (yes, we were wondering about this expression even before the song came out).

In a romantic relationship, partners often interpret “letting go” to mean that they should ignore or avoid addressing the problems that they are seeing in each other. We think otherwise. We do not believe it is beneficial to our own emotional wellbeing, nor for the good of our relationship be turning a blind eye to the problems that we see loved ones struggling with.


Is Your Relationship in Trouble?

Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Band AidIt is generally safe to assume that something is amiss in your current romantic relationship if your thoughts, feelings, and desires leave your longing for a “real” romantic connection.

Many partners in a hurting romance will describe a sense of feeling lost. They wonder what could have happened to the closeness that they used to enjoy. “Could it be that we were young and immature and easily impressed by the excitement that came so spontaneously in our marriage?”  This is a common question one of the partners might be asking. “Perhaps the kids have preoccupied too much of our time, love, and attention” is usually another line of thought. 


Three Steps to Emotionally Supporting Your Partner

Wednesday, May 14th, 2014

SupportHave you ever attempted to be helpful to a partner only to have your input rejected?

Some of the time the rejection we experience is overt and direct. At other times it is more covert and subtle. Our partner may smile and say “what a great idea!” but their body language or tone of voice may be indicating that they are rejecting us on the inside. Sometimes we were even accused of trying to “attack” our partner or being “too bossy” when we were not at all intending to do so.


Your Relationship Affects Your Children

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

parents-4Partners in a romance can and do affect the quality of their children’s lives. Whether your relationship is strong and in good health or floundering and in dysfunction, it is sure to have an impact.

Your loving care of each other can envelop and soothe your children. Alternatively, your arguing and discord will frighten and generate insecurity and instability for them. Your kids and family members can benefit from your happiness and they can be confused and hurt by the pain they see you endure or inflict on each other.


Live and Let Live

Friday, March 21st, 2014

live and let liveMany have suggested that this recovery slogan, Live and Let Live, seems to be advising romantic partners to stay on separate parallel tracks and avoid getting personally involved in each other’s recovery. We found out early in our own recovery how detrimental our separate recovery programs became for our own marriage. We became more emotionally and spiritually intimate with our respective sponsors and support groups than we were with each other! We have subsequently seen this identical disconnect occur in so many of the couples that we have had the opportunity to work with over the past 40 years.

Unfortunately, partners who are less emotionally and spiritually intimate with each other than they are with their respective sponsors or support groups are more likely to grow apart than they are to grow together. True intimacy and union is developed by becoming one with each other – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – without secrecy or deception.


“Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk” & other non-effective coping strategies

Friday, February 28th, 2014

spilled milkYou may remember growing up with clichés like “do not cry over spilled milk” or “the past is the past…you should not live in the past.”  Those rules for coping with feelings were prominent when pop music discouraged “big boys” from crying and hit movies suggested “love meant never having to say you are sorry.”  There were so many rules for how we should feel or act that it is no wonder so many of us found ways to dull the pain of living.

While the journey down memory lane may be nostalgic, those rules for coping with our emotions can cause many problems in our adult lives and in our romantic relationships.


Purchase this book now! Purchase this book now!

Elaine Leadem, MSW, LCSW & John Leadem, MSW, LCSW are authors of many books, including One in Spirit & An Ounce of Prevention.
Check them out!


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