What does it take to be a channel of peace?

There are so many ways that peace in our relationships can become threatened. Some of these challenges are external; they threaten the peace from the outside in. Other challenges are internal; they begin within the relationship itself.

When, for instance, relationships face a clear financial danger such as the national economic slowdown, there is an outside force threatening the peace between partners. Coping with the illness or death of a mutual friend is another possible stress that can potentially affect the serenity of the relationship. Many couples find it possible to work through their individual fears because they view the threat as if they are joining against a “common foe.” Thus they learn to be a source of support for each other.

However, when financial fears have developed in reaction to the spending habits of one’s romantic partner, or, when one of the partners’ physical ailments begins to negatively disrupt the couple’s normal functioning routine, the threats that these may pose are more internal.

Unfortunately, when the peace of our relationship is threatened from the inside, we tend to blame or attack each other. We look to blame him or her for the condition of our checkbook, or for the frustration we are feeling.

What does it take for one of us to channel peace back into our relationship when the threat is coming from the inside?

For starters, let us remember that no one can make us feel anything! That means that we must take responsibility for how we think, how we feel, and how we behave. As long as we see change in another person as the solution to our problems, peace will continue to elude us. When we look towards others waiting for them to change, we cannot be a channel of peace.

In order to serve as a channel of peace to our partner, we will first need to accept responsibility for the quality of our own life. If we can learn to take responsibility …

A solid, committed, romantic relationship does not get there all on its own. Nor does it remain solid and committed by simply existing. Great relationships take work! If we are going to enjoy an enduring partnership, we must be willing to examine it and take inventory on a regular basis.

An effective way to inventory our relationship is to use the Prayer of St. Francis as your guide. This prayer is found on page 99 of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (AA World Services, 1952). It reads:

“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace – that where there is hatred, I may bring love – that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness – that where there is discord, I may bring harmony – that where there is error, I may bring truth – that where there is doubt, I may bring faith – that where there is despair, I may bring hope – that where there are shadows, I may bring light – that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

“Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen.”

Our suggestion is to sit together and move slowly through this prayer with your partner. As you do, you will be able to gauge how well your relationship is really working. You will be able to gauge how much you and your partner are being of service to each other and to others.

True love is possible. Unfortunately, many of us believe the “hype” that there is no such thing as true love because of our terrible experiences in the past, so we avoid love and commitment all together. Others of us once loved and lost, and believe that we only get one chance at love. Through our …