Simply put: you should be concerned if you are concerned…

The couples who reach a point of dissatisfaction with their romantic relationship that they find themselves considering the need for professional help, or selecting self-help titles such as “Awakening To Your Soul Mate: A decision to be IN Love ©” have probably known for some time that something is wrong.

It’s generally safe to assume that something is amiss in your romantic relationship if your thoughts, feelings, and desires leave your longing for a real romantic connection.  For the couples that’ve lost the loving feeling, you can read it in their journal writings.

Mary’s Journal Entry:

            “I am lost.  I don’t know what happened to the closeness that Harry and I used to enjoy.  Could it be that we were young and immature and easily impressed by the excitement that came so spontaneously in our marriage?  Perhaps the kids have preoccupied too much of our time, love, and attention.  I miss my partner and long to see the excitement in his eyes when I walk into a room.  Nowadays, he seems disinterested in me. He ‘politely’ tolerates my questions about his work and social activities, but my interest in his life does not appear important to him anymore.  What is going on??”

Journal entries of this type are common for romantic partners that have become aware, like Mary has, that something is missing in the relationship.  The alarm that is raised in them by what they’ve written may stimulate efforts to renew the bond, or renew the excitement, by planning a trip or scheduling a date night.

The same couple is likely to find that date night commitments all too frequently lose their fervor, and the memories of the romantic vacation have faded within a month of their return to the reality of career, home, and family.  They return to the demands of parenting or career challenges and find themselves once again on the treadmill of life.  Something causes one …

Every romance begins and dies with a story that each of the partners bring to the union.

The couples we have worked with over the years report that they talked themselves out of being concerned for years before the first affair, the first meeting with the divorce attorney, or the present romantic estrangement and alarm that they feel. In Part One of this two-part article we presented to you case snippets of seven such true stories where various couples found themselves wondering what had happened to the magic in their romance or marriage.

These same couples can usually remember what it was like when they first met and how amazing it was that everything that the other person said was fascinating; a warm hug could last all night!  The reasons that partners in a romance will tolerate the growing dissolution of their love are too numerous to cover, but suffice it to say that every romance begins and dies with a story that each of the partners bring to the union.

In the beginning of any relationship, each of the partners’ personal stories contributed to the attraction that they felt toward each other.  By the time the romance is so dry that it would be considered flammable however, the un-inspected stories and ill-gotten ways in which they cope with life’s emotional challenges that each partner had brought into the relationship are  now causing them to feel disconnection and alone – or looking for love in all the wrong places.  If you are dissatisfied with your romance or find yourself considering a termination of the relationship — this is a good time to take action.  The relationship may be too far gone to save, but most can be rebuilt.

Every relationship has a breaking point at which the alarms of concern stop blaring in the background and the painfully routine verbal battles and emotional conflict all but disappear.  Some couples are apt to view the calm as a relief or cease fire.  …

“…it feels like a time of unavoidable abandonment.”

The things that partners do not talk about or bring to mutual resolution will eventually undermine the romantic bond in any relationship because of the lack of intimacy.  All too often romantic partners fail to bring their concerns or fears to each other.

In the first part of this two-part topic we will briefly highlight some of the issues we have heard about over the years for you to see if they are familiar to you:

• My husband used to talk to me for hours about the challenges and accomplishments he is experiencing at work.  Nowadays, I learn about what is happening to him at work when I overhear his phone conversations with colleagues.  I feel unimportant.

• Harry used to drag me into sporting activities with him because he wanted me to enjoy watching football the way he does.  He used to say the I made the game more exciting because he got to share it with me.  Now I feel like a NFL widow and hate it when the season begins.  It used to be something that we shared now it feels like a time of unavoidable abandonment.  I don’t want him to give up his love for the game.  I want to feel the same love and attention.

• When we first met, Sally seemed so interested in our cuddle time and lately she does not even kiss me when we meet up at the end of the day.  I guess I have to settle for what I can get.  We are both under a lot of stress but I feel pretty undesirable.

• I can not help but notice that Harry is so much more animated around the children than he is when we are alone.  When it is just the two of us he seems bored and disinterested — maybe even a little depressed.  I guess I should be grateful that he is such an awesome father, but I miss my best friend and I sometimes get jealous of …
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