When I was a kid, a long time ago, long before I learned about feminism, pre-Betty Friedan, I remember my father joking with my mother.

Though on reflection, I don’t think his joke was very funny.

My father would say to my mother, in jest, because I know he adored her, ”Maybe it’s time I traded you in for a new model.”

Sometimes I wish I could trade myself in for a new model…

That’s not a put-down, but given that right now in my psychotherapy with Dr. Bob I’m struggling with a few very old records that won’t stop playing ~ that I cannot break ~ and I’m increasingly upset and disoriented by the values and dynamics of the medical model when it comes to emotional and mental health, I’m thinking it’s time for a new model. A new belief system. A new hybrid, perhaps…

We bought a new… well “pre-owned” car this morning.

It’s not blue, like the one you see here. Ours is silver.

It’s a 2008 Subaru Impreza 2.5i with All Wheel Drive ~ in mint condition.

We had invaluable help…

We couldn’t have accomplished this without the expertise and enthusiasm of one of our dearest, closest friends who loves nothing more than “looking for, looking at and test driving cars,” as he said.

“The fact that I can indulge this guilty pleasure and help dear friends at the same time is a bonus.”

We’re the richest, luckiest people in the world with such friends. And we’re very excited as this car is exactly what we wanted and needed.

Now, we’re closing this chapter in our lives…

This is how we manage, Marty and I. We have short memories and we don’t dwell on the negatives ~ instead, we stay in the present, focus forward on the future and on the positives of our relationship.

A word about my weight. I don’t want to talk about it.

It an emotional issue. My emotional issue.

Directly related to my  emotional health, to trauma. Part of it is genetic, too.

I’m sorry I mentioned it at the end of my post the other day.

I regret this. It was an error in judgment. I’m deeply sorry.

My weight is my lifelong problem…

It’s not simply that I do not like being overweight. However, I’m not going to spend a lot of time discussing this, right now. Maybe sometime later. I don’t think it’s wise or healthy to obsess about weight and I hate myself for doing it. I’m working on stopping it.

I detest “Fat Talk” and it should be stopped…

Dear Jessica ~

Please forgive my not keeping you in the loop.

Last week, my psychiatrist, Dr. Bob, told me simply “to write the year 2010 off.”

Sounds pretty prescient, given what’s happened since then, but in truth, he is up to speed and I am so sorry you and my readers are not. I am seeing him weekly these days because I’m having so many problems over which I have utterly no control ~ physical health problems. That could be serious.

I wish I knew something. But, I don’t. No one does. Yet.

That’s what’s really driving me crazy. The “not knowing.”

Last Monday, I was downtown at two different hospitals and a private radiology clinic ~ to speed things up.

At 7:30 a.m. I had two ultrasounds ~ pelvic and transvaginal ~ then I saw Dr. Bob for an hour, and then I had to have a “possibly cancerous” lesion taken off my face which had to be stitched up and which will leave a small scar.