“Hi Sandy – I just spoke at the Winnipeg Mental Health conference – May I Please Link In with you?

- Stuart Ellis-Myers”

After connecting, he immediately followed up:

“Thanks Sandy
Winnipeg . . . . icy cold brrrrrrr
the conference focus was on suicide
I live with Tourette’s and the buffet table of disorders that comes along with the diagnosis so know the depression driven suicide experience well
The audience were awesome, everyone from parents, practitioners, government . . even a school district leader I shone the light of recognition for attending.
may I send you a YouTube shot from the conference? I just need your real email
mine is stuart@itwitch.com
cheers and all the best
would love to speak with you sometime soon
Twitchy”

The first thing that jumped out was that Stuart said he “lived with” Tourette’s rather than “suffered from” it. I loved that.

He signed his note “Twitchy.” I loved that, too.

We “live with” all kinds of stuff. We don’t have “to suffer.”

We all “live with” all kinds of stuff, problems and issues – mental, physical, psychological, emotional, financial, professional, personal – but we don’t necessarily “suffer” from them. I hate that term “suffer from.” Say it often enough and you begin to believe it. Then what?

When you “suffer from” anything, you’re giving into it. “Living with” whatever challenges you, helps you face it and deal with it. It’s a state of mind. An attitude.

But to be honest, I didn’t think much more about Stuart Ellis-Myers a.k.a.”Twitchy” on Sunday night, and the last thing I expected was that phone call “soon.”

Well, guess what!

Yesterday morning, a B.C. area code showed up on my iPhone and there he was – Stuart Ellis-Myers a.k.a. Twitchy himself –  excited, enthusiastic, animated, his voice pulsating with so much energy, my iPhone practically shot out of my hand. He sounded like me on one of my really hypomanic days. I felt instantly at ease.

“I twitch all over the place, but I can control it,” Stuart said.

I asked him if he considered Tourette’s a mental illness, and even though it’s mentioned in the DSM (what isn’t these days?) he clarified my quandary. It’s anxiety-based, “more of a neurodevelopmental disorder, like ADD or ADHD,” he said, adding that he did not have the “swearing kind. I twitch all over the place, but I can control it.”

He asked me about my public speaking and I asked him about his. He’s a powerhouse. A former actor, among many other avocations, and on his vibrant website – itwitch.com – he’s known as Twitchy, The World’s Only Professional Speaker living with Tourettes Syndrome.

Stuart brings a vast array professional experiences to his keynotes and presentations – engineering, tourism, real estate development, human resources, and information technology specializing in sales, marketing and operational excellence.

Twitchy shows people they already possess everything they need to succeed, even if they believe they cannot succeed.

What really drives him in all his keynotes and presentations at conferences all over the world is helping people, showing them that they already possess everything they need to succeed, even if they believe they cannot succeed.

He knows how to play and “Wow!” an audience, how to perform and connect, inspire and empower.

“Overcoming stress, anxiety, achieving results and inspiring others to do the same,” is Stuart’s gift. He’s passionate because he’s lived it all his life.

He doesn’t take himself or his “disorder” all that seriously. He’s wildly entertaining, theatrical, charming and engaging, but his messages are serious, hard-hitting and geared to rev up his audiences and motivate change.

Twitchy is all over YouTube. You should see this one, about “How To Face Challenges.” Find the ones that work for you.

I confess, because of Stuart’s telephone call I’m posting after far, far too long.

He inspired me.

“Why are you hiding away?” he asked me. “Why aren’t you out there speaking? You’ve got a great story.”

He’s a powerhouse, unstoppable – pure dynamite.

Have a look at Twitchy’s website. He’s a powerhouse, motivating, challenging and enchanting his audiences to start thinking in new ways about themselves and their potential. He’s dynamite.

“Walking into your challenges,” thinking differently, is the first step in making changes in your life.

Stuart bills himself as “Twitchy – Rules for Recession Recovery” – and he’s hitting a chord because the world is changing. He’s pushing for that change and helping to make it happen, even in the resistant realm of mental illness and mental health.

Consider this. On page two of yesterday’s Toronto Star, there was a big article on voice hearers – people who hear voices and are okay with it. They don’t take medication, they don’t label themselves as having schizophrenia or any mental illness and they find their voices – all of them – are often helpful for them. This is a growing movement.

When I started speaking out and writing about my mental illness in the early 1970s, you never heard anyone talk about mental illness or mental health.

Now, increasingly more people are talking and listening and learning and challenging the old stereotypes. After all, we’re all a little crazy, sometimes, aren’t we?

Stuart Ellis-Myers inspires people to change and grow, like he inspired me.

Thank you, Twitchy.

This means I haven’t been walking my dogs or lifting anything heavier than 10 lbs. for weeks. I’m immobile. For the first time in years, my favourite exercise, walking my dogs, is verboten.

I don’t enjoy solo walking. Furthermore, the weather has been anything but walkable, so I’ve stayed home and fallen off my eating plan for my eating disorder.

I never weigh myself

Then, at my annual physical last week, I had a chat with my GP. I stepped on the scale backwards, so I couldn’t see the number. I didn’t have to. Although weight is one number you don’t need to know, I know I’m heavier and I don’t like the way I feel. I hate it.

My doctor didn’t recommend a diet, which for anyone with an eating disorder is a dirty word and a dangerous pursuit.

“Just get back on your eating plan and get out and walk, without the dogs if you must, but not too much,” she advised me sternly.

She knows how easily I can get obsessed and addicted to exercise, my form of purging.

One year ago I graduated from my eating disorders program

It’s exactly one year since I left the eating disorders program than helped me to be start eating again – not bingeing or overeating – just eating normally, to re-establish a healthy relationship with food.

It saved my life. But it’s easy to let things slide, especially over the holidays. I’m not bingeing, but I’m not being careful enough with portioning. That’s a problem. I need to refresh and be more observant.

It’s hard to admit that I’ve relapsed, though it’s not the end of the world. I’m not bingeing and starving the way I used to.

Still, I want to stop the process of this relapse before it’s too late. It’s very easy to start eating calorie-reduced foods, to start eating too many salads instead of protein, carbs and proper portions of fruits and vegetables. Once I start to restrict, everything falls apart. That’s my pattern.

I admit that for the last few weeks, my thoughts have been drifting in the diet direction. I considered returning to Weight Watchers, which would be calamitous for me. I’ve started to obsess again, which my husband detests. I’m asking him if I look “f*t” – using that awful dirty little three letter word.

I contacted my psychologist for help

Yesterday, I went to see my psychologist, Kimberly Watson, Ph.D. It’s a visit not covered by my insurance and will cost me dearly, but the investment is worth it. Kim has a way of buoying me up and giving me exercises and advice that always helps me to get back on track and stay on track. Although I had emailed her that my appearance would shock her, she saw very little difference since our last session in September. Self-image is so fragile.

She stressed, however, that I must back on my plan. And I did. Yesterday and today, thus far. One minute at a time. I pulled out all my notes and my strategies and re-acquainted myself with what I learned last year.

Drifting off course happens

“You drifted,” she said, “like a canoeist who has her eye on her destination. Then, a current comes along and you drift slightly off course. You get back on course. Remember, no matter what your weight, bodies fluctuate. You’re still you.”

She told me, when I saw her yesterday to just “hit the reset button,” and follow my eating plan.

Having an eating disorder is like have a bipolar disorder. Both are psychiatric conditions. Both are part of your psychology and neither go away, although you can recover. They’re always there. I take medication for my bipolar disorder with psychotic features or whatever the latest “label” for it is. You have to live with it and deal with it every day and every moment of every day. An eating disorder is exactly the same. You have to eat normally to live well.

Within the first year of finishing an eating disorders program, the rate of relapse is highest. You start to count calories, eat “diet” foods and obsess about the scale. I don’t want to be one of those statistics.

You haven’t heard from me lately because I’ve been so busy working, which is a blessing.

I’m not going to let my eating destroy me

A year ago, my bank account was in the red and we were sinking fast financially. Today, we have a surplus and all our bills are paid. This is progress, so I’m not going to allow the eating disorder destroy me. No way. I’m getting it out of my life.

So, on this hopeful note, I wish you a healthy, productive, peaceful, and good new year. Happiness comes in fits and spurts. It’s not a static state. We are never constant emotionally. Moods always changing with the circumstances of our lives.

Take care and be well. Have a healthy, safe, productive, fun-filled and peaceful 2013. One more thing. I’m going to hit the reset button and blog more often this year.

Cheers and speak soon,

sln

No more traditional psychotherapy?

In an effort to find out why, Gottlieb discovered that according to Dr. Katherine C. Nordal in a 2010 American Psychological Association paper titled “Where Has all the Psychotherapy Gone? that psychotherapy as we know it – or at least I know it as 50 to 60 minute face-to-face sessions with a caring and knowledgeable psychiatrist or psychologist – is quickly becoming archaic.

Meanwhile, as “managed care” has declined dramatically, “pharmaceutical companies spent $4.2 billion on direct to consumer advertising and $7.2 billion on promotion to physicians, nearly twice what they spent on research and development,” Gottlieb reported from Nordal’s paper. Increasingly more and more patients are receiving medication only – 57.8% in 2007 or 30% more than 10 years before.

I find that shocking and sad, but I know it’s true.

Having lost my only kidney (yes, I was born with one) to carelessly monitored Lithium Carbonate back in the 1970s and 1980s – iatrogenic acute endstage kidney failure – I know that unmonitored medication can be perilous.

Nordal admits at the outset that “while medication is an appropriate part of a treatment plan for many mental health disorders, psychotherapy has been documented as the preferred treatment for many common psychological disorders.” I have learned that medication PLUS psychotherapy is the best route, but that is my experience. My psychiatric experience started in the 1960s, its dark ages with precious few pharmaceutical choices.

You know about my psychiatric/psychological history – including my many medications. Monitored medications –  for the most part – which means seeing a psychiatrist at least once every month or two “for an oil check,” and in most cases more – about once a week. These days, the frequency varies depending on ebb and flow of my life. And ebb and flow, it does, and not only for me, but for everyone. We do not live linear lives. We’re all hit by illnesses and hardships and psychological side balls that come out of nowhere, for no reason. It really helps to have someone to talk to, someone who is not personally invested in those soul crushing events.

You’ll find no insight in a pill bottle

For years, I’ve been saying there’s no insight in a pill bottle. And there isn’t. But it seems people don’t want insight these days. They want fast food solutions to specific problems.

Gottlieb consulted a number of branding experts and branded therapists, including Casey Truffo – “You are called to be a therapist. Are you also called to poverty?” Truffo told her that over the last 18 years, she “saw a shift from people who were unhappy and wanted to understand themselves better to people who would come in ‘because they wanted someone else or something else to change.’ Fewer people came in saying they wanted to change.”

Insight takes too much time and effort with no guaranteed time or result. Gottlieb discovered, to her horror I sensed, that an “entirely new specialized industry had cropped up: branding consultants for therapists.”

From traditional to branded psychotherapy

What Gottlieb describes is her personal passage from traditional psychotherapist to niche psychotherapist. Branded. She had to market herself and her specific skills to prospective patients so they could find her and she could offer them what they wanted.

She balked at the idea of texting therapy, or tweeting it, or blogging it, or instant messaging it. On the other hand, if a patient can read and reread and reflect upon a message, whether in 140 characters, or a blog post or even an instant message, if that’s the way of the world, perhaps it’s worth considering, she pondered.

Gottlieb found herself consulting with therapists who were able to guide her in developing a website – here it is. She was daunted by the experience, and found herself insisting on “no bells and whistles,” but this pained process and the product, as you will see, offers a rather specific gamut of her unique services. As a “consultant” she can offer “therapeutic services” to help you “now,” plus “private” consultations “in person, by phone or by Skype,” and “reproductive counselling” as well as “executive coaching.”

Either branding or starving

Gottlieb couldn’t bring herself to call herself a “Life Coach,” and I don’t blame her. After six years of rigorous psychotherapeutic training and a Masters in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University, why jump on a bandwagon of virtually anyone who’s taken a six or eight week course. So, she succumbed. She branded herself a “consultant,” had a professionally designed website put online, with Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn feeds. She even promotes herself as a public speaker.

And you know what? I can’t blame her. She grappled with the process, found a way that she can live with herself ethically and professionally, and make a living. She doesn’t do text therapy or email therapy, I don’t think. At least, I hope not. Communicating is very different from connecting. I share Sherry Turkle‘s concerns about our need to control our lives with our thumbs and keyboards in virtual time instead of talking face-to-face with each other in real time.

There’s no tone in texting. It’s not like talking and it never will be.

Furthermore, problems take time to develop. Shouldn’t they take time to resolve?

Illustration: The Institute for Rapid Resolution Therapy

1. It went on for three days, beginning Saturday. I had my hair cut. Very short. It’s a brush cut. I love carefree hair. Who has time to fuss with hair, so  every eight weeks, I’m buzzed.

2. Then, I met my closest girlfriend and we walked to a tiny perfect new sushi spot for a delicious Bento Box lunch. Very intimate. We had the place to ourselves. This is our annual ritual because our birthdays are three days apart, though I’m one year older. We exchange small gifts ~ I knit her a scarf in her favourite colours ~ and we celebrate our friendship. Without fail.

Getting Buzzed

3. Then I went home, worked for a bit – I never feel right unless I work everyday. We watched a great HBO documentary about Ethel Kennedy, made by Rory Kennedy, her 11th and youngest child born six months after the 1968 assassination of her father, Senator Robert F. Kennedy.

Celebrating With Friends and Family

4. On Sunday night, my youngest sister threw a birthday party for her daughter and me and our October birthdays. The two “birthday girls” plus my mother, middle sister and brother-in-law, my husband and a close family friend sat around a big dining room table and celebrated. Three generations. The food was scrumptious. All prepared by everyone except me. What a treat.

5. Yesterday, my actual birthday, I worked really hard – researching, interviewing and learning more about construction and mining safety and the focus of my new career as a 21st Century freelance writer. My co-writer and former Toronto Sun colleague, Ian Harvey kindly spent some time mentoring me. He’s a highly successful professional freelance writer and a terrific reporter. What a gift to renew our friendship through a professional working relationship. Mixing business with friendship  is the way of the world today, especially for small businesses where social media naturally knit business and friendship together.

Wisdom and Learning

6. My longtime friend and new boss Susan McLennan started my day with a touch of her particular brand of wisdom:

“My friend and business coach Steven Rosen helped me drive business like I never thought possible. He has a new book coming out next week called 52 Sales Management Tips. Here Tip #12: Proactively Manage your Boss. Your boss is no different than you. All bosses want to know two things: one, that you know what your issues are and, two, that you are doing something about them. Put yourself in your boss’s shoes. S/he has enough to worry about. If your boss is spending time wondering what you are doing about your issues than they are really questioning whether you are effectively doing your job. Before your boss figures out your issues, communicate and demonstrate that you have a plan to proactively address them yourself. Remember, the best defence is an offence.”

7. Acting on Susan’s advice, I sent her a note about a few issues and she responded with encouragement. I love working with her. She believes in me more than I do and she’s patient beyond words. Another birthday gift.

Focusing on Work

8. As a result of Susan’s expertise, I focused and worked productively yesterday. Streamlining my energies. I brainstormed with leading Alberta-based safety manager and author Alan D. Quilley and Boom, Bust and Echo author David K. Foot responded to a question I had emailed him on Sunday. A Harvard-trained economist, David explains everything through demographics. Now, I feel I can write more confidently about occupational health and worker safety in two industries I know nothing about for the brand new jobsafety website – a microsite/magazine, really – that Susan and her team just launched on October 1st.

9. Last night, we went to my favourite Toronto restaurant, Allen’s. That restaurant and I date back to its roots at Manhattan’s renown Broadway eatery, Joe Allen. We celebrated how much better this birthday was than last year’s when I wasn’t eating anything anywhere. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I’m still in recovery. I was obsessing about my weight. Now, I never weigh myself. That’s one number I don’t need to know. Last birthday, riddled with anxiety, I was waiting to start the Toronto General Hospital Outpatient Eating Disorders Program. It saved my life. I had no life last year. Now, I love my life and food and eating, guilt free.

A Better Year

10. I’m even beginning to like my body.

So, here’s to Happy Aging. The older you get, the better you are. If you work at it. Mental health takes work.

Take care and be well.

Image via Etsy

For one thing, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, a national holiday that always corresponds to your Columbus Day, and a great season for thanksgiving, too. Harvest Time.

All over my neighbourhood, walking my two Dandie Dinmont Terriers today, I’ve encountered people harvesting or clearing out their gardens, a little prematurely placing Hallowe’en pumpkins on their porches and celebrating the splendour of the autumn colours. You have to see them to believe them.

This Thanksgiving Is My Happiest Ever

Last Thanksgiving, I was starving, skeletal and anxiously waiting to start an eating disorder program.

Right now, there is hope ahead. More hope than ever before.

Working is, as you know, great therapy and my work is fascinating. You can see some of it here. It’s utterly and in some ways “awesomely” different writing than any I’ve ever done. I don’t quite have “it” yet, but I’m getting there.

I’m learning a whole new world of work. Entering the 21st Century. Tenuously at times. It’s health-related because it’s about safety. Mental health and stress will definitely play a part, but not yet.

It’s also about business, something I know nothing about and, it’s about time I learned.

Being a poor struggling writer sounds romantic, but it’s no fun when the bills come in.

So that explains why I’ve not been here much lately. I’m struggling to think differently and write differently. A new skill set for me. To “streamline” myself. It’s more complicated.

Learn self-discipline. Never been my strong point. I’m sporadically self-disciplined.

Either way, it’s an opportunity and I don’t want to blow it.

Other Things Are Going On, Too

I’m learning how powerful genetics are when it comes to being predisposed to bipolar disorder. (I’ve always pluralized “disorders,” but learning SEO and the power of Keywords, no more.)

You don’t need to be physically abused or traumatized. You don’t need to have difficult parents. You don’t need to be emotionally “abandoned.”

All you need are the genes, in some cases. I don’t know enough about neuroscience to explain why, nor do I have the time right now to give you lengthy explanations.

Trust me on this one. I have a birthday this month. I’ve been around psychiatry long enough to understand how it has evolved. I’ve learned from my first hand experience in treatment with a psychologist for my eating disorder to know the differences between psychology and psychiatry. They are profound.

So, all that aside, I want to say to you, even though you may not be celebrating today, “Happy Thanksgiving.”

I say it every morning before I get out of bed.

“Wow, I’m still here. Today is a new beginning.”

Thanks.

Photo Credit: Thanksgiving Weekend in Haliburton, Ontario, Glorianne Naiman

You may have thought that and I wouldn’t blame you.

Quite the contrary – I’m thriving on work…

Work is the greatest therapy of all. Here’s why:

1. Work gives you a sense of purpose and we all need to feel purposeful and useful.
2. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning, get dressed and get going. (I work at home, but I still get dressed every morning, no matter what. Otherwise I don’t feel professional, and I’m a professional.)
3. When you work you have to reach out and engage with other people. Connect with the world. That’s exciting and exhilarating.
4. The more you have to do, the more you get done. (That sounds like it should be an axiom with a name like Murphy’s Law, which it is not. I cannot find it right now. When I do, I’ll get back to you.)
5. You feel a great sense of accomplishment, confidence, self-esteem, a wondrous natural “high” when you do a good job. You can’t buy that feeling. It’s truly priceless. I love it.
6. You learn so much from the mistakes you make or the first drafts you have to rewrite. It’s tough work. Writing really makes you bleed sometimes, it’s so hard, but when you get it right, it’s bliss.
7. There’s nothing better than falling into bed at night utterly exhausted after a hard day or night of work.

For the last two months I’ve been working. Really hard. On a variety of different projects. Writing.

You know what? I love to work. I haven’t worked this hard in a while and I forgot how much I love my chosen profession. Journalism. Researching. Interviewing. Deadlines. Pitching story ideas. Learning.

I bet you love working, too.

Most people love to work and accomplish things and feel useful and be paid for their efforts and expertise. It’s positively therapeutic.

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve worked in my chosen profession. Journalism.

For the last two months, I’ve worked so hard I haven’t had a real day off. The odd afternoon, perhaps. But now I’m working nights and days. It’s great.

So posting today and letting you know I’m still here is a bit of a holiday for me…

The truth of it is, I’ve been feeling guilty about abandoning you. Yes, that’s how I’ve felt. You’ve been there for me and all of a sudden, one day, I was gone. You’ve been on my mind, but I couldn’t come up with something I wanted to share with you.

I didn’t know this was going to happen, nor could I plan for it. I just needed a holiday and that holiday was work.

Work was given to me. Suddenly. It was a gift and I’m so grateful for it and to the person who gave me these opportunities.

So, unfortuntely, you were pushed to the side for a while. I didn’t forget you. I just couldn’t summon the energy to share all this with you, until today for some reason.

So, that’s the story…

Now, I have writing assignments about subjects utterly foreign to me. I have to research and reach out and interview people and get way, way out of my comfort zone.

It’s like the olden days (oh, dear, did I just say that?) when I was a daily newspaper feature writer and every day meant a new assignment and a new learning curve. That’s what I did for years. Some of the best years of my life. But you have to keep on moving. Nothing stays the same.

I’m on a new learning curve ~ and I love learning…

So now I’m back, but in the 21st Century, journalism, especially when you’re writing online, is all about keywords and giving people “practical tips” and all the things that I don’t do very well here on this rather personal blog.

Mental health and mental illnesses are the name of the game here at Coming Out Crazy, but to be honest, all this work has rejuvenated me and given me a sense of purpose and well-being. I’m as crazy as anyone else. Normally crazy, I guess. And that’s okay.

It’s the wonder of work.

Take care and be well. Consider working, volunteering, anything. If you can. You might be surprised at how good you feel.

See you next time I have a bit of a break.

And in the meantime, I bet you can add lots of your own reasons for why “working is healing.” I’d love to hear them. We all would. They’re inspiring.

Why not pop them into a comment?

Cheers!

Photo Credit: Uphill Writing, Resources for Computers

Last summer, before beginning his first year at Robert Land Academy 15-year-old Peter Darwin (who requested that his real name not be used) weighed 360 lbs. Since then Canada’s only military-themed school for adolescent boys with multiple challenges has transformed him.

He Was A Poster Boy For Morbid Obesity

No more.

Darwin has dropped 105 lbs., and now weighs 252 lbs., since boarding at the 33-year-old school in Southern Ontario’s Niagara Peninsula. This summer he hopes to continue losing weight and ultimately reach his 210-pound goal.

Morbid obesity, an increasingly critical societal, cultural, medical and emotional concern, especially for young people, jeopardizes every sphere of their lives.

A Self-Described “Emotional Eater“

“At home, I used to raid the fridge whenever I wanted and I used to think I ate pretty healthy,” Darwin said, at this year’s graduation ceremony. “When I got sad, though, I’d eat a lot. Emotions controlled my eating.

“Robert Land Academy taught me a lot. It taught me how to set goals properly, to value my nutrition, to work out properly. Now, I eat three times a day. I like the food here. It tastes good. They don’t give you too much or too little. You control your portioning. Learn to make choices.”

Feeding Mind, Body And Soul

In 1995, Chef Bruce Ness, an RLA graduate and classically trained professional, returned to his alma mater.

“I wanted the opportunity to give something back to Robert Land, to be a part of the boys’ success. I wanted to provide good, nutritious home-style cooking for the cadets,” Ness said. ”I’m a believer in food that sticks to your ribs, feeds the mind, body and soul, that carries you for the day.”

After one year of rugged physical activity, healthy meals, focused academic instruction and the support of his teachers and classmates, Darwin has reconfigured himself physically and academically.

Athletic Inspiration

Last year, he admitted, he couldn’t run one lap, “without getting out of breath. I couldn’t do anything. Nobody liked me. I had friends, but, yeah, who wants to hang out with the fat guy, right?”

Darwin stresses the encouragement and inspiration of Deputy Headmaster Major Colin Doig who ran with him after he had foot surgery.

“I wasn’t able to run for two weeks, but as soon as I could, we went for a run outside,” Darwin said. “It might have been hard, but he stayed at my pace and pushed me, teaching me how to run properly. This year, without Major Doig, I wouldn’t have been able to get anywhere.”

Doig explained that the accomplishments of Robert Land Academy students, like Darwin, rest in its military-style structure.

“Structure is huge component of what we do. It’s really the backbone of what we do. I think some people might use the term rigid. That’s probably a misnomer. The structure that we have is really there to make the boys feel safe and secure and comfortable.”

Academic Progress and Motivation

Darwin’s grades dramatically improved.

“Before I used to have very poor study habits. I couldn’t do my homework properly. I couldn’t read. Now, I can sit down. I can read. I can concentrate. I can study for exams and I can do all my courses properly.”

With the motivation and inspiration he received from Doig within the Academy environment, from its staff and his classmates, Darwin said he feels he can do anything he wants, though it wasn’t always easy.

“At the beginning, being away from my parents was upsetting and the first week was really hard,” he said. “I was so incapable of doing things when I was heavy. But now, I’m maintaining my weight, losing more, and the school taught me I can’t just sit home this summer, so I applied for a job landscaping and I got it.

“In September, I’m coming back and I want to push myself even harder.”

Photo: Chris Payne

Another class of mature, respectful, goal-oriented and successful young men completed their high school education at Canada’s only military-style boarding school for adolescent boys, some as young as 11 years of age.

School Stresses Academic Excellence

Nestled in southern Ontario’s Niagara Peninsula, these boys flourish in a school environment unlike any they’ve previously attended.

It stresses academic excellence, athletics, leadership and teamwork. Extracurricular activities “make it worthwhile,” said class valedictorian Paul Burrill, 17, from Burnaby, B.C., describing games and sports of every kind, plus rock climbing, boxing, wrestling, “even jumping out of a plane.”

Students Struggle With ADHD, ADD, ODD and Other Issues

RLA’s safe, structured environment often dramatically transforms its students, like Burrill, psychologically and physically.

Their family relationships heal. They develop confidence while achieving top academic marks that open doors to any university, college and career they choose.

Hailing from all over North America, Europe, Hong Kong and the Middle East, they arrive with a rash of challenges and diagnoses.

ADHD, ADD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and different learning disabilities. Some have critical physical problems demanding lifestyle regulation. Morbid obesity. Diabetes. Others have abused alcohol and drugs or flirted with the law.

Boys Typify A Particular Temperament

“As our education system in Canada and elsewhere became less and less structured, boys of this temperament were at greater risk for success: Boys who actually require a structured environment where clarity of expectations and rules and consistency of reward and consequence prevail in the daily rhythm of school life, said RLA Founder and Head Master G. Scott Bowman (Maj. ret.) in a recent interview.

“These boys tend to be dominant and stubborn, intuitively very bright, but highly selective in their learning habits, adventurous in spirit and often at odds with conventional authority about the way things should be done.

“They do not like change unless they are the sole author of such change. As adolescents, they are typically manipulative and can be charming and gregarious or stormy and dark. Intellectual curiosity is a constant in their make-up and is manifest through many behaviours that can cause parents, teachers and others grief.

“These boys will take a lawn mower apart to figure out how it works, but will never put it back together.”

Students Evolve Dramatically

Burrill completed three life-changing years at RLA.

“High school was a struggle,” he said. “My grades were going downhill and I had some other serious issues.

“Before I came to Robert Land, I didn’t think I would ever graduate. My relationship with my parents was really, really rough. I didn’t want to be at home and I didn’t want to be at school. “But support comes from everywhere at this school. I boosted my averages from 55% to over 80%. The teachers here are incredible. I achieved the position of head boy. My parents started to be proud of me.”

Boys Groomed For Leadership

Burrill reflects on all the lessons he learned at RLA beyond the academic during regimented days beginning at 6 a.m. and ending at 9:30 p.m. There were military drills as well as requisite classes, study halls and formal social events ensuring that each boy learned always to look presentable, he said.

“We iron our clothes. We learn the importance of respecting our superiors and leaders,” Burrill said. “Robert Land develops ‘the whole boy’ and helped me become a leader. I feel confident that I can succeed in any situation in the future.”

Photo: Chris Payne

To Be Continued…

What is Sherry Turkle’s “Goldilocks Effect?”

In her new book, “Alone Together, Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other,” cultural analyst and psychologist Sherry Turkle describes the Goldilocks Effect like this: “Not too close. Not too far. Just right.” It’s also known as the Goldilocks Principle.

(Last year, when I was in the throes of my eating disorder I was driving myself and everyone around me to distraction by wanting to be “just right.” But it was an ephemeral obsession because “just right” for me was always five pounds less. Impossible, of course.)

This is the new normal of our digital age of texting and emailing and posting and online connecting in all its many forms and endless platforms. It’s a factor in digital intimacy, but I’m not going into the Robotics side of this story here. Too much for me to handle right now.

Less is more for me…

You know, I have lost count of my Facebook “Friends.” At this very moment, as I am in Blogging overdrive so I don’t care about the numbers of Twitter or Linked In or Pinterest connections I have. I hate numbers anyway.

“Less is more,” for me. But then, I’m not normal in any way, new or otherwise. We know that, don’t we?

What of real intimacy? Real conversations? In real time?

People can’t get enough of each other, but only at a distance, Turkles stresses.

Not too close. Not too far. Just right.

It’s the ability or need or compulsion to control where we want to put our attention, and “customize” our lives and our relationships. Except relationships can get pretty messy at times. That’s life. Real life.

Not Second Life…

It’s our need to customize and control who we are, who we see and “talk to” (read “text to”) and how we present ourselves to others. More perilously, how we present ourselves to ourselves. How we see ourselves. Our inner history, our insights, our conscious kaleidoscopic lives. Turkle is flashing a warning sign. We’re perilously in danger of losing ourselves to our seductive technology.

Knowing ourselves in real time, dynamically, face to face without our little screens is the only real way of knowing who we are as human beings.

Controlling involves screening contacts. “We get to edit. We get to delete. We get to retouch,” Turkle says. “The face, the voice, the body. ‘Not too much. Not too little. Just right.” Yes, I meant to repeat her phrase. Doesn’t this scare you?

No wonder people prefer scheduling “conversations” on Skype. Making Skype-dates

That’s about as close to “real time,” as some of them will chance on.

In her latest  passionate TED.com Talk, Turkle presents her point of view with compelling clarity. She has a 20-year-old daughter and was a champion of technology in her earlier books, but not any more. (Watch it. It’s a riveting 19:43 minutes. Worth your time and concentration.

We sacrifice conversation for mere connection. We need real face-to-face interactions…

“We learn how to have conversations with others to learn how to have conversations with ourselves,” Turkle says, citing cases and showing pictures of people texting in board meetings, at dinner parties, at funerals, at home with each other side by side. Even she admits to sleeping with her cellphone.

“We remove ourselves to go into our phones,” she said, flashing onto the screen a frightening quote from an 18-year-old boy who had been texting all his life.

“Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I would like to learn how to have a conversation.”

Turkle has asked younger people what’s wrong with having a conversation?

They say, “It takes place in real time.” And “you can’t control what you’re going to say.”

Not too much. Not too little. Just right. 

There’s much more to this, but right now I want to have a chat with my husband. I want to feel heard. I want to listen to him. I want to engage. He’s right here.

And later we’re meeting my sister and her partner for a frozen yoghurt and a chat. I need some real time, face-to-face interaction. I crave spontaneity. Surprise. A few laughs.

Until tomorrow. I’ll continue this soon. There’s more I want to explore, but right now I’m beat. My eyes are stinging. I’m going to knit and get back to myself.

I love knitting alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, guess what I just noticed in a new post by Dr. John M. Grohol, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Psych Central titled Top 10 Hottest Psychology Articles, Jan-Mar. 2102. Six of these 10 articles are about digital connections and communication.

NOTE: This is my 20th post in 18 days. I have another 13 days left in this blogathon. I’m counting the days. I’m beginning to believe that quality is more important that quantity, but I do not want to renege on my promise or disappoint myself by not keeping my commitment.

Today, I apologize for posting late, but real life does create distractions and interruptions, serendipitous ones. I rather like them. They’re exciting. Still,  I’ll try to post earlier tomorrow. Be cool. sln

Wallflower at the Orgy and Crazy Salad (first editions) both by magnificently multi-talented, versatile, prolific and relentlessly funny Nora Ephron.

Ephron died yesterday of “pneumonia brought on by acute myeloid leukaemia,” her son Jacob Bernstein told the New York Times in today’s edition.

No one is forever…

But somehow, I always believed Nora would be. (She was just 71.)

She always brought a smile to my face. A giggle. Like another of my favourite resident New York writers, Calvin Trillin.

They’re both entirely different, but immeasurably engaging and amusing, at times laugh-out-loud funny because their writing in all its forms pricks our nerves, tickles us, speaks their truths with a visceral honesty that hits us where we live – in our heads and our hearts (and our tushes).

Nora went beyond journalism into screenwriting, novel writing, directing, producing, and blogging. When it came to writing and a comic, but always humane vision, there was nothing she couldn’t do.

Ephronesque humour…

When Harry Met Sally will always remain for me a “must-see” and re-see. I never tire of it and its endlessly sharp wit, clever satire and pure joy. It sparkles with humour.

Ephronesque humour. Is there such a word? Not yet. But Nora deserves her own genre.

So, I’m sitting here, before drinking my first cup of coffee. The dogs are walked and watered and fed. I am not. I have lost my appetite.

“You’ve got to eat something,” Marty just said to me.

But, how? I feel so sad.

We’ve lost one of our most inspiring voices. We, women. Of  ”our age.”

Nora championed us, helped us see ourselves and feel good about ourselves, as we really are.

My precious little books will now join the others on my bedside table

I acquired them, published in the 1960s and 1970s, while at university. They’re anthologies of Nora’s years writing for a variety of magazines, in particular Esquire, plus New York, The New York Times and Cosmopolitan.

For me, they were a reliable, easy and instant tonic when life overwhelmed me, when I was blue, a troubled student, lonely and awkward. Nora’s writing told me things about myself, then, that I wasn’t really conscious of and she helped me feel lighter and more at ease with my life.

Nora and Dorothy?

Nora was like an older, wiser sister. She had a touch like no one else.

The Ephron touch, often compared to that of Dorothy Parker (1893-1963), another of my favourite New York writers – a poet, essayist, critic and short story writer – was quite different. Witty and wisecracking, her life was by no means easy. Ever. Her cynicism emanated from an earlier era. A tougher time for women, though she was extraordinarily progressive for her period.

Ephron broke ground that was not quite as hard for women, though there was nothing easy about Hollywood for women. Ephron trailblazed there as a writer and director.

She could make me laugh as much in her earlier books as she did with her two more recent ones: I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman and I Remember Nothing. (They’ve disappeared from my library because I tend to lend books that give me pleasure to friends to spread the insights and the fun.)

The point is, her voice is gone. I miss it already.

One little sublime legacy she left us…

Nora Ephron will always be remembered for these five words from the Katz’s Deli scene in When Harry Met Sally.

“I’ll have what she’s having.”