I have been writing my little fingers to the bone.

Not here, I’m afraid…

Though I’d love to be here with you, instead, I’m writing reams about body image ~ mine.

It’s exhausting and triggering. Working on recovering from my eating disorder with psychologist, Kim Watson, Ph.D involves reading two workbooks ~ on body image and self-esteem.

Every day, for at least one hour ~ usually more ~ I do challenging writing exercises that resonate in places I don’t really like going.

I spent last week in the past…

For me and my body, the past not a pretty place.

These exercises forced me to remember and envision what my body looked like to me and felt like from age zero right up to now.

I catalogued “influential experiences and events” that have fed my negative body image for as long as I can remember. If your body image is the embodiment of yourself, a symbol of who you are, mine’s damaging. I’ve always had a turbulent, love-hate relationship with my body. More hate than love, I’m afraid.

I don’t like my body. Never have. Ever…

It’s probably not a great idea to even write this, but it’s the truth. Even when I was a little girl. I never felt good about my body or in my body. Now, I’m facing all that, head on.

Curiously, when I confide to people that I’m working with a psychologist on improving my body image, invariably they say, “Your body image looks fine to me.”

That’s not the point.

It’s what my body image looks and feels like to me, inside, in my mind. That’s what counts and right now, I’m rather fragile.

The Empty Chair Technique…

This week, the second of my sessions with Kim, I sat facing a chair that appeared to be empty. But actually, it wasn’t. It was inhabited by my body.

During our first session, I had mentioned to Kim that all my life, I’ve not only hated my body, I’ve abused it. Starved it. Stuffed it. Exercised it beyond exhaustion. Injured it. Belittled it. Despised it. Criticized it. Treated it with contempt.

So this week, while getting dressed to go and see her for my second session, it occurred to me that I owe my body an apology for all this abuse and disrespect. After all, I’m here. I’m healthy, considering I had a kidney transplant almost 18 years ago. There’s really nothing my body won’t do for me, physically.

Even my broken arm is healing quite well. It’s not a bad little body when you consider all that.

So, this week, she asked me to apologize to my body.

Conversing with my body was cathartic…

This Gestalt ”empty chair technique” proved to be quite emotionally enlightening.

I don’t remember how this “conversation” between me and my body went. Kim prompted me with questions. But when it was over, she remarked that at one point I became “teary-eyed.” I didn’t realize it at the time.

There’s a lot of pain wrapped up in all this, pain I’ve been avoiding. Now, we’re beginning to tap into it.

All this is tremendously triggering…

All these memories were deeply disturbing and for the first time since beginning treatment, I binged a bit.

So, we decided to get away from this body image work, to change course this week.

Kim suggested that during our next session, we review the eating plan and focus on The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. It would keeping me in the present and I would be acknowledging positive qualities, experiencing pleasure and unconditional love.

Sounded good, until this morning, when I woke up and went down to my office.

What a mess…

Lo and behold, overnight or after Marty left to teach this morning, a big floor-to-ceiling bookshelf containing dozens of files and other office stuff, had pulled away from the wall. All my boxes of files and papers were heaped haphazardly on the floor and shelf unit was listing precariously at a 90 degree angle.

Luckily, no one was hurt, namely my dogs, but I spent the morning removing everything from the shelf to prevent it from falling over. I called a shelf-specialist who came over to help me find a reasonably inexpensive and safe solution.

What fun! Needless to say, experiencing pleasure wasn’t in the cards for me this morning.

It could have been worse…

On Monday, Kim mentioned that she had spoken at length with my psychiatrist Dr. Bob, who had stressed that I was quite resilient. (Click on this link for more insights on how to “bounce back and develop your resiliency” by new Psych Central blogger, Los Altos therapist, speaker and author Bobbi Emel.)

“We really don’t know why, but it’s quite remarkable,” she said.

Remarkable? I don’t think so. I think it’s because I’ve had so much practice.

Now, onwards and upwards.

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    Last reviewed: 27 Jan 2012