Archives for January, 2012
I'm a perfectionist. So, naturally, I'm attempting to follow the meal plan designed for me in my Eating Disorders Program right down to every teaspoon, gram, ounce and millilitre. I am trying to eyeball my portions, but my eyeballs are slow learners. Plus the stresses of my life make this precarious... I keep forgetting that I don't have to be perfect. No one expects perfection. I miss the support and camaraderie of the other patients in my group plus the expertise and advice from all the psychiatric, psychological, nutritional and social work staff who were always there for us, watching us, keeping us on track and caring about us. Now, I'm doing everything by myself... All my meals were supplied for me, with the exception of my breakfast. By myself, alone, it's a huge challenge to stick to this meal plan, which involves eating a wide variety of foods (anything, including my forbidden foods) at five specific times and in specific quantities.
I have been writing my little fingers to the bone. Not here, I'm afraid... Though I'd love to be here with you, instead, I'm writing reams about body image ~ mine. It's exhausting and triggering. Working on recovering from my eating disorder with psychologist, Kim Watson, Ph.D involves reading two workbooks ~ on body image and self-esteem. Every day, for at least one hour ~ usually more ~ I do challenging writing exercises that resonate in places I don't really like going. I spent last week in the past... For me and my body, the past is not a pretty place.
When I graduated from my six-week Eating Disorders Program on January 6th, I knew much more about metabolism and normative eating. I had a fresh, liberating understanding of what "normal" eating is for me. For everyone. We need a minimum number of calories for our bodies simply to function. That number is always ignored by the diet industry. Though I no longer count calories or weigh food or even weigh myself, I know that my body needs 1,400 just to exist. Because of my broken arm, I'm not doing any exercising. Not yet. Risking a fall isn't an option right now... Furthermore, exercise is an activity I must work back into in a safe way, since I have used exercise as a form of purging. That kind of thinking, exercise in order to control weight or change body shape is no longer an option for me. It's not healthy or realistic. It's a specious way to try to control your weight. You can't. Your genetics determine your optimal body weight. That's a whole other story.
It's been a while. And a struggle. But I am definitely on the mend. Happy 2012. I have resolved not to make any resolutions, other than to be more empathetic with Marty, my husband, who has a completely different temperament than I do. My mind works faster than my left forefinger, so writing this blog is not easy for me. Living with me is not easy either, but we're doing much better. Couples therapy is wondrous if you find the right therapist and, happily, we did through my eating disorders program. Today's big news? My cast comes off today ~ I hope. In the meantime, to make life easier for Saint Marty, I had all my hair cut off. Every little bit helps. I love it and when both my hands are working, I'll send you a picture. Since we last spoke, I was on Day 31 of my Eating Disorder Treatment Program.