Archives for November, 2011
I am exhausted. I can't remember feeling so emotionally and physically drained and depleted. As soon as I finish this post, I'm going to bed. It's Day Three of my five-week Eating Disorders Day Treatment Program. My goal for tonight was to write to you, to let you know what's happening. To be honest, mealtimes are hard for me. Right now, I feel nauseated. This happens after every meal there, and not because it's hospital food. After breakfast, here at home, today. I became nauseous. Is this normal? Yes. Apparently, for someone with an eating disorder at the beginning of treatment, nausea after eating is normal.
This afternoon I met with the service manager of the Canadian National Institute of the Blind ~ the CNIB. Kids with mental illnesses and visual impairments... She and a group of teachers, parents and professionals working with blind or visually-impaired kids had asked me to speak at an annual conference ~ about mental health A New Challenge... Admittedly, I have never spoken or facilitated any kind of workshop on the subject of mental and emotional health for children and youth who are visually-impaired, had never even thought about this particular demographic The topic fascinated me, so I was anxious to continue our dialogue.
When I was about 16, I spent about nine months in a psychiatric hospital. During that time, I was extremely ill. At one point, I became catatonic. Following that hospitalization, I recovered at home with the help of my mother, who made two wise decisions. My mother and my recovery... The first, was to buy a dog for me to care for. I was the sole family member to help her. Finally, we settled on a Yorkshire Terrier. After accompanying my mother to dog shows and various breeders, we found our little pet. In this case a two-year-old retired show dog we named Derrier, or Derry for short. Learning calligraphy was another recovery technique... My mother was involved in a charity. Learning calligraphy was one of her chapter's pet projects (no pun intended) so personalized plaques could be given to honour worthy recipients. These plaques were a form of fundraising. I found calligraphy strangely therapeutic.
November is not a pretty month in these parts. Today is typical. Though we have had some lovely, sunny, sweet un-November-like days, today is not one of them. It's grey and damp and drizzly. Not a day to lift one's spirits... I have often said that I do not suffer with clinical depression. That is not to say, however, that I am immune to situational "sadnesses" or "the blues" or "the blahs" ~ and lately, that is how I've been feeling. There are some solid reasons for this. One is a feeling of worthlessness. Right now, I am not gainfully employed for the first time in my life. I am awaiting a call from an Eating Disorders Clinic that will tell me I must report the next day. I have no idea when that call will come, thus, it is rather futile to look for any kind of job. I am not working. I am not writing, as you well know. My posting here has practically stopped cold.