This “Don’t Avert Your Eyes” post was inspired by PTSD survivor and awareness advocate Michele Rosenthal. Michele runs the PTSD blog Parasites of the Mind, and recently contributed “What I Wish My Family Had Known” to CarrotOfHope.org, an article that takes a look at the PTSD perspective and how family and friends can interpret behavior and continue to interact.
Learn more about how Joaquin Phoenix prompted this weeklong series, find out what we talked about yesterday, and don’t forget to stop back by – it’s running until Friday, March 27!
Yesterday I gave you some tips on how to address the issue of mental illness with a loved one you think might be dealing with mental health problems and left you with the warning that your concerns might not be….warmly received.
Even if, deep down, a person really believes he might be struggling with a mental illness, the chances that he’ll react negatively to any suggestion you make are pretty high.
Thanks to stigma and this innate drive so many of us have to be “normal,” few people react positively to the suggestion of mental illness (unless, of course, the possibility of mental illness finally answers questions they’ve been asking about themselves for so long – which, indeed, does happen).
As far as negative reactions go, you can expect, and in no particular order, what I’ve dubbed “The Three A’s” – Anger, Apathy, and Avoidance.
Anger
Common sense, right? No matter how delicately you bring the subject up, there is a chance the person is going to get angry. And, sometimes people get angry because the issue has been brought up “delicately” – everyone has their own way of interpreting how another person chooses to address a personal issue, and some people find “delicate” offensive, as if the other person sees them as someone to handle with care. (Take me, for instance - I’ve always been a subscriber to the Give It To Me Straight newsletter, whatever the “news” might be.)
Apathy
Your loved one might try to act as if he doesn’t care – he doesn’t care about his deteriorating mental health, he doesn’t care about your unfounded (or, what he might call your “unfounded”) worries, and maybe even that he doesn’t care about himself.
Avoidance
I briefly touched on this one yesterday, and to me, it’s probably the scariest of the bunch. We humans are pretty good at avoiding people we don’t want to be around, and you can’t very well stalk the person you think might be having a hard time. The longer a person succeeds at avoiding you (and reality), the longer the mental illness (if indeed there is one) goes untreated and unmanaged. And, yes – that’s scary stuff.
Keep in mind that not everyone reacts the same way when a loved one approaches them with concern about their mental health, but these are three pretty common reactions for which you should at least be prepared. And, these reactions are usually culminations of other reactions and emotions – fear, panic, confusion, and shame, for example.
Tomorrow, we’re going to tackle how you can deal with the reactions (another Michele Rosenthal-inspired post), but in the meantime, have you ever brought up the subject of mental illness and been greeted with any of “The Three A’s” in return? How did you handle it? Were there any other reactions you dealt with?
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Is giving attention to a person sometimes encouraging the symptoms? Undoubtedly my wife is in need of intervention due to severe depression. We both know hospitalization is needed. Until then, work and spouse is demanding my time. Is jeopardizing my employment by rushing home sometimes reinforcing dependency upon a family member and allowing one’s self to be ‘controlled’ by the other?
Should a family member sometimes avert eyes? Also, suicidal ideations are strong in her. How to balance? Perhaps my question goes a bit beyond the scope of this topic, but is there enabling behaviors or is that a myth?
thanks for this series.
forest
@ forest - Normally I would say there are times when giving attention encourages certain behaviors (maybe not “symptoms,” per se, but certain behaviors). People of all ages and mental states sometimes do things for attention (whether they’re good things or bad things), but what we have to stop and think about isn’t THAT they’re doing things and our attentions might encourage them to continue doing things, but WHY they’re doing these things. Averting our eyes won’t make the reasons they’re doing these things go away and ignoring these behaviors could possibly cause the reason - the problem - to escalate.
Keep in mind this is a completely unprofessional opinion - I’m not a doctor, just an advocate.
However, with your mention of “suicidal ideations,” I wouldn’t advise averting your eyes. The potential for suicide - even the briefest hint that someone is thinking about suicide - takes things to a whole new level. It’s scary stuff for everyone involved, and I know how scary it must be to be on the outside watching these things but not knowing how to handle them. What have you done so far? Have you talked to anyone - a support group, or a perhaps a professional trained in suicide prevention? If you’re not sure where to turn, check out these resources:
Suicide Resources on the Internet
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