This “Don’t Avert Your Eyes” post was inspired by PTSD survivor and awareness advocate Michele Rosenthal. Michele runs the PTSD blog Parasites of the Mind, and recently contributed “What I Wish My Family Had Known” to CarrotOfHope.org, an article that takes a look at the PTSD perspective and how family and friends can interpret behavior and continue to interact.
Learn more about how Joaquin Phoenix prompted this weeklong series, find out what we talked about yesterday, and don’t forget to stop back by – it’s running until Friday, March 27!
Yesterday I gave you some ideas about what you could expect after bringing up the subject of mental illness with someone you suspect might be struggling with mental health problems - namely anger, apathy, and avoidance and how so many other negative states like fear, panic, confusion, and shame go into them.
Now that you know what to expect, how are you supposed to handle it?
Make sure the person knows you care.
Sounds like a no brainer, I’m sure, but like I’ve mentioned before your loved one might feel threatened when you bring up his mental health. The goal is to make sure the person knows you genuinely care about him and aren’t merely “weirded out” or panicky about his behavior.
Statements like “I love you,” “I want to help you,” and “You are not alone” will help the person see you care, but remember your actions need to back up your words. Need to know how to do that? Refresh yourself on how to talk about mental illness.
Meet others who know what you’re going through.
You know the old saying “Birds of a feather flock together”? Well, it doesn’t always have such a negative connotation. Hooking up with folks who’ve been where you are, or currently are where you are, will help you know what to expect and how to cope with it all.
Talk with the person’s other family members, friends, and loved ones.
Talking with other people who are close (or maybe closer) to the person will let you know if others have noticed what you’ve noticed, give you more insight, and even alert others to what might be going on. If you’re the person’s friend, try talking with one of his family members. If you’re the person’s parent, sibling, or spouse, trying talking with one of his friends. You get the idea.
Keep in mind, though, that you should select the family member or friend with care – make sure it’s someone you know pretty well and someone who values discretion and confidentiality. You’re talking about another person’s mental health and you must be careful to respect that person’s privacy.
Educate yourself about mental illness.
These days, you don’t have to sign up for psychology classes just to learn the basics about mental health and mental illness. When used properly, the Internet is an amazing resource. Try these reputable websites to get started:
PsychCentral
The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Mental Health America
The National Alliance on Mental Illness
The National Institute of Mental Health
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Also, don’t underestimate the power of blogs. Whether they’re written by mental health advocates or professionals, many of them are valuable sources of information and they sometimes even act as communities where you can connect with others who know what you’re going through.
Take time out for yourself.
Once you become concerned about someone you care for, it’s pretty easy to fall into the routine of being concerned only about that person. Remember, though, that you have to take care of yourself – your own health and well being – too, in addition to responsibilities like your family, your career, or your studies.
Up to this point, we’ve talked about handling situations in which you think someone close to you is having mental health problems. I’ve saved tomorrow – the last day of the “Don’t Avert Your Eyes” series – for handling extreme cases.
In the meantime, I want to know how you’ve acted when it seemed like someone close to you was suffering from mental health problems. What worked for you, and what didn’t? What advice would you offer others going through the same thing?
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I’m really enjoying this series. Knowing what to expect is such an important key. We all have a tendency to misinterpret the environment at times, but this tendency is really exaggerated in folks suffering from most mental illnesses. They simply only attend to information that confirms their negative beliefs, undervaluing or completely ignoring evidence that contradicts such views. This isn’t intentional - it’s simply a cognitive trap we all fall into from time to time. In this sense, it’s as though they’re looking through one of those distorted carnival mirrors and seeing a misrepresentation of reality.
Because of this, it is so important for others to anticipate that their loved one might believe something that, to others, seems impossible. They might believe nobody cares, that they are alone, or that their symptoms make them a freak. Offering support, empathy, and an informed understanding of mental illness can be vital to your loved one.
Thanks once again for a great piece, Alicia!
@ Mike - Thanks! I enjoyed writing it. I like your carnival mirror example - very spot on. And it’s so important for the loved ones of folks with mental health problems to be able to talk with others, find support and information, so that they can better deal with what’s going on and help their loved ones and themselves.
Dear Alicia, wonderful series.
I am a senior Psychiatrist, fixing others all the time or expected to fix others all the time, professionally and personally ie. friends, family—–
My dad was a Bipolar a high official–
I am quite popular like many Hypo manics and high energy folks are. Now I am in my 60s and have started having low phases. I find it amazing that none and I mean no one except my therapist dares to talk to me even when I tell them or share my torment. Even other professions and closest of my family half believe me and then change the subject.
Mostly they withdraw and I think it is because they themselves are embarrassed or feel awkward.
The colleague (me)with whom they enjoyed sharing jokes, fun, seems to have disappeared and they keep silent or formally smile and move ahead.
I know what is happening to me and them but it pains me so, even more than my ‘depression’ itself.
Thanks
@ abc - You’re very welcome, and thank you for sharing!
Alicia..I have dealt with mental illness in my family for years..Thank you for the practical advice that you have posted,especially the advice to “stay in contact” with your loved one. Sometimes just the knowledge that you care is worth more than anything else. A hug, smile, or “I love you” goes a long way. My siblings suffer from schizophrenia an bi-polar disorder. They have struggled for years with and refused to admit they debilitating illness.
@ julia - You’re very welcome 
Sometimes just the knowledge that you care is worth more than anything else.
That’s so true. I’m sorry your siblings haven’t come to terms with their illnesses (I’m sure that can make for some pretty stressful situations at times), but I’m glad they have such a supportive sister in their corner. Thank you for chiming in!
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