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Dear George Clooney,

I recently read about the letter PETA Founder and President Ingrid Newkirk sent you asking for permission to use the perspiration from your gym towel to flavor a line of tofu she planned to dub “CloFu.”

You know the one.

In her letter, Ms. Newkirk explained to you the science behind unique odor profiles and the gas chromatography used to confirm the stability of a stimulant matrix (your sweat, Mr. Clooney). She basically wanted to use your sweat to attract tofu virgins and, hopefully, convince them to make bean curd part of their diets. This scent science isn’t new, but, as far as I know, using it to flavor food is.

Please do not take offense, Mr. Clooney, but I would probably vomit if I got a whiff of CloFu. I’m sure you smell delightful (though, after a trip to the gym…maybe not so much), but the idea of smelling sweat-scented food is revolting. The idea of eating it? Even more so.

So, thank you – thank you – Mr. Clooney, for denying PETA the rights to market your bodily fluids and odors and use them to attract people to eat a certain kind of food. I just hope Newkirk doesn’t get mad at you, diagnosis you with a mental illness, and try to get Alan Rosenberg to kick you out of the Screen Actors Guild.

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myln (March 13, 2009)

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    Last reviewed: 13 Mar 2009