I hope everyone reading in the United States had a happy and healthy Thanksgiving Holiday last week! When I thought about what to write after taking the holiday week off, I contemplated the numerous discussions I had both in and out of the consulting room regarding people’s varied feelings about being with family during the holidays.
Families bring up powerful feelings and interpersonal dynamics. It’s inevitable that old family dynamics are stirred up around the dinner table and that’s what makes the holidays so difficult, our past is present…AGAIN. Sometimes the bullies of our childhood were not kids on the playground but our siblings, parents, and extended family members.
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I didn’t really consider reading this post when it went up. I didn’t really think to much that it applied to me. And then I remembered my brother.
He was the tormentor to my younger brother and me. He is 5 years my senior. But he doesnt’ get what a nasty piece of work he is. I really believe that he suffers from Borderline P.D with a few other labels for good measure. But, what am I talking about? It’s the rest of the world that has the problem, not him. And here lies the problem really.
The straw that broke the back of that poor camel was our nephew’s wedding. His behaviour, lack of respect etc.was too much.
I am hosting Christmas this year. One thing lead to another and I have uninvited him to be at my home. He isn’t speaking to me anyway – why would I want him and his acid tongue in my house.
No one else will say anything to him because it’s not worth the grief, it’s not worth the angry outlash that is brought down on the person stupid enough to challenge his thinking. but I have finally decided to be stupid enough to do it. I tried talking to him on the phone – like that was going to work. So i texted him today. I have put a stop to the bullying. I’m not going to let him treat me like this anymore. He needs therapy – big time. Will he see it for himself? probably not. Will he call the other 3 brothers to confirm what I have told him about himself? I doubt it – and if he did – would they have the courage to tell him the truth?
Someone said to me that it must be Christmas because everyone she knew was starting to deal with the family issues.
Most of the time -no, all the time – we put up with his mistreatment, with his belief that he has the right to say whatever he wants to whom ever he wants.
Anyway, thank for this. I am glad that I found my power, glad that the only girl in the family had enough courage to speak up for herself and my younger brother. I’m glad that I spoke up to say enough is enough – that my daughter’s see me standing up for myself – that I have the courage to do so. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure it’s not over yet, but he will not have the same power over me that he once did.
Hi Sheila,
You are very welcome and thank you for your comment! I can imagine that what you did was terribly difficult and relieving at the same time. I hope you and your family find peace this Holiday Season. You are right, it’s probably not over but perhaps when things settle down, you and your brother can attempt to work stuff out. Maybe even some short term family therapy (which may lead him to seek individual treatment, I’m forever an optimist).
Happy holidays and hang in there!
-K