I didn’t want to be there.

It was a retreat – a spiritual retreat – that my employer had sent me to over my protestations. But the theme of the retreat was about learning to be more welcoming in the world and the agency for which I worked found this to be very pertinent to their mission.

So here I was, sitting on a chair and kicking the pine floor idly with my toe, wondering what was going to happen next.

I didn’t want anything to do with spirituality.

A decade prior, a college ministry I was involved with had treated me with a stunning betrayal, humiliating and treating me with remarkable insensitivity. After that, any mention of religion, church, or spirituality automatically raised my hackles.

And yet, there was something about this woodsy retreat that was softening me. Perhaps it was returning to the evergreen environs of my native state of Washington or perhaps it was the friendly and open countenances of my co-retreaters, but I could feel a subtle shift inside me.

I remembered my partner’s words that morning as I left for the airport, “Maybe this will be good for you.” By the time the retreat facilitators called us to the evening session with the energetic and alluring beats of African drums, I had decided to give this experience a chance.

“To be more welcoming of others, we need to be more welcoming of ourselves,” the facilitators said. With that in mind, the plan for the next day was to prepare for and then participate in a healing ritual.

The next day, with the logistics of the ritual in place, the leaders directed us to write down an issue we were struggling with that we would like to be healed. As the other participants scribbled busily on their pieces of paper, I wrote one word:

Anger.

There were three parts to the ritual: fire, water, and earth. The fire portion did nothing for me. No miraculous healing there. I began to feel some of my old resistance and suspicion arising.

The guide for the water segment of the ritual approached me in the darkness, asked me to pick out a small stone from a bowl, then led me to the edge of the water down the hill from the lodge. She explained that the stone I had picked out represented forgiveness. I was to wade out into the water and, when I was ready, toss the stone into the water as a symbol of forgiveness that was needed in my life.

I took off my shoes and socks, rolled up my pant legs and took a few steps into the icy water. I thought about the people who had wounded me so deeply in college. “At last,” I thought, “I’ll be able to forgive them.”

I dipped the stone into the water and then, as though my hand took on a life of its own, it moved the stone to touch my forehead and then my heart. I directed my lips to form the words, “I forgive them all.” But, as my hand moved back and then arced forward to release the stone, I heard myself say,

“I forgive myself.”

I gasped and both of my wet, salty hands flew up to cover my mouth. Tears burst from my eyes as I began to understand what had just happened.

My anger wasn’t at them, it was at me.

For holding onto the hurt for all these years, for allowing myself to get into a place where I could be so dreadfully wounded, and for locking my spirit away for so long.

I rushed out of the water, grabbed my shoes and socks, and blindly ran back up the hill in the darkness. My bare feet were almost pierced by the sharp rocks on the path, but I didn’t care. My utter joy outweighed any physical pain I was feeling.

I burst into the lodge where the earth group was conducting the last part of the ritual – connecting with Mother Earth with all of her comfort, security, and love. I lowered myself onto a mound of earth in the middle of the great hall and, as my hands and feet were gently covered with soil, I lay there with muddy tears of joy streaming down my cheeks knowing, once and for all:

I was free.

You might need self-forgiveness if . . .

1. You continue to struggle with anger that is hot and bubbly at the surface for years after the event took place.

I found that I rarely talked to friends about my college experience because I would become so livid in the retelling of the story that it was hard for me to become calm for a long time afterward.

When I gained more perspective, I began to notice that most times in my life when I continuously felt extreme anger toward someone, it was because I was compounding it by being angry for myself for getting into the situation in the first place.

If you find yourself angrier than usual or for longer than is normal for you, be honest with yourself about who you’re really angry with. Sometimes it helps to talk this out with a friend or therapist.

2. You suddenly cut something completely from your life that was previously very important to you.

Spirituality was – and is – very important to me but I erroneously equated the whole concept of spirituality with one group who had hurt me. Trying to avoid pain, I threw the baby out with the bath water.

If you have unceremoniously dumped a healthy component from your life due to pain or anger, take a deeper look. Was it really necessary to excise that piece of your life? Are you hurting yourself in other ways by severing your connection to something that was once meaningful to you?

Perhaps you need to forgive yourself instead of hurting yourself further.

3. Your sensitivity to a certain topic is blown out of proportion.

Prior to my retreat experience, anyone who brought up a topic that was remotely spiritual became the object of at least eye-rolling on my part if not outright cynicism. And I’m not a cynical person!

Do you ever overreact when certain subjects are brought up? Might there be some wound underlying your reaction that needs the healing balm of self-forgiveness?

Two ideas for sparking self-forgiveness

Once you have decided you need to forgive yourself, it can sometimes be hard to allow the experience to happen. Here are just a couple of ideas to get the ball rolling:

1. Be open to manifestations of grace.

Grace as in “a favor, or kindness.”

Sometimes the Universe, a divine presence, or just great timing can provide you with the freedom you seek through self-forgiveness. Be open to it. If I had remained closed to the ritual and other events at that retreat I attended many years ago, I might still be struggling with soul-sucking anger.

2. Use symbolism.

Rituals, ceremonies, or other procedures that involve symbolism can help your mind and heart to connect on a deep level and release your core of self-forgiveness.

Personally, I don’t think talking about my anger or my need for self-forgiveness would have ever brought me what I needed. But using the symbolism of a ritual got me out of my head and into my heart and my spirit that had been jailed for so long within me.

You can do a ritual with friends or by yourself. Write a letter and burn it. Toss a stone of forgiveness into water or a canyon.

Be creative and follow your heart. Your freedom is worth it.

Photo credit:  paul (dex) bica via Compfight

Want more help bouncing back? Download my free e-book, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

At least, that’s what Mike Bundrant and I think.

Mike’s a busy guy. He not only blogs here on PsychCentral at NLP Discoveries, he also has his own information-packed blog, iNLPCenter.com and, to top it off, is a top-notch radio dude at NaturalNewsRadio, where he hosts the show, Mental Health Exposed.

Mike interviewed me about resiliency on his show and I really encourage you to take fifteen minutes or so to listen. Not only did we talk about the five components of resiliency: Acceptance, Perspective, Social Support, Positive Actions, and Finding the Gifts, we also found common ground in our general antipathy toward the self-help industry.

Now, I need to give a disclaimer here: I think there are many good books in the self-help industry.

However, having said that, I also believe that there is a large portion of the self-help industry that leads readers down a path that promises happiness, riches, or a perfect life if you’ll only “do these 5 steps” or “follow these 10 rules” or “use this 40-day guidebook.”

A search on Amazon for the word “happiness” reveals 30,960 books. “Rich” finds 45,610 books and even a search for “perfect life” turns up over 1,000 books.

This tells us two things: 1.) People, including us, are interested in being rich, happy, and having a perfect life, and, 2.) There is money to be made in an industry that covers these topics.

In our interview, Mike Bundrant and I call out the self-help industry on its overall tendency to set the reader up for failure. I hope you’ll listen to the broadcast to find out more about why we agree on this topic.

Oh, and you’ll learn a lot about bouncing back, too.

Please listen and I also encourage you to take Mike up on his offer of a FREE (I love things that are free) 20-minute video on ending self-sabotage. Just enter your email in the box on the left sidebar of his home page.

To learn more about how to discern if a self-help book is actually going to be helpful for you, take a look at Doug Toft’s short, concise post, Won’t Get Fooled Again – Three Levels of Credibility in Self-Help Books.

For the record, here are just a few of the people I find most trustworthy in the self-help field:

Kristin Neff

Brene Brown

Barbara Frederickson

Sonja Lyubomirsky

Pema Chodron

There are many more, but these are the researchers and spiritual leaders who have been most important to me and my work lately. I hope you’ll check out some of their work.

Speaking of bouncing back, download my FREE ebook, Bounce Back! 5 ways to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

If you can get rid of these things, life will open up for you and become less of a struggle.

1. Thinking that you’ll get to a point where life doesn’t change.

Admit it. If you’re like most of us, you secretly think that some day when you have everything figured out and every material thing you need, then you won’t have to deal with change any longer.

Well, as my friend’s grandmother said when she reached the age of 99,

I always thought things would calm down and get easier. I’m beginning to believe that’s not going to happen. ~ Phoebe Howard, age 99

Part of being able to bounce back well is learning and accepting that change is a part of life. If you or your circumstances aren’t changing occasionally, you’re probably dead.

Really. Think about it.

So, instead of resisting change or hoping in vain that one day everything will stay the same, expect that change is going to happen and learn to roll with it and even find the good stuff that comes along with change.

2. Believing that you can change someone else.

I receive a lot of emails from readers of my other blog, Bounce, and I can’t tell you how many say something like,

“I need to learn how to make my husband happy.”

“Can you tell me how to make my boss appreciate me more?”

“My girlfriend is too smothering. How do I get her to loosen up?”

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a happier husband, more appreciative boss, and less smothering girlfriend. The problem comes in when we think that we have some kind of ability to change them.

Remember that the only person we can really change is ourselves. So, when you’re going through a tough time with someone, the best way to bounce back is to think about what you can do in the situation, not what they should do or become.

Find out what you really want and need and express that to the person using “I” language:

“I need to know what’s happening with you. You seem unhappy and I feel uncomfortable around you. Can we talk?”

“I have been working very hard on this project and need feedback from you. Can we make an appointment to meet to review my work?”

“I feel smothered. Let’s talk about what’s happening that is creating that feeling for me.”

Try to stay away from “you should,” “it’s your fault,” “if only you would,” and so on. Take responsibility for yourself and your feelings only and work with the other person based on your needs, not on how they should change.

3. Thinking “I can control this” when the ‘this’ is uncontrollable.

Whenever someone admits to me that they are controlling or a control freak, I’m always quick to point out there are a lot of good things about control: you tend to get a lot done, many controlling people have good leadership qualities, a lot of problem-solving occurs, and life tends to be less chaotic.

The problem, of course, is when we try to control things that are not possible to control. Like how your in-laws behave or getting laid off at your job due to the economy or losing a loved one to death.

Trying to control the uncontrollable is like trying to hold on tightly to Jell-o. Everything slips through your fingers and you’re left with a mess and muscles that are tied in knots.

In order to assess how much you try to control, it’s important to be as honest with yourself as possible. Although you might tell yourself you’re just being “thorough” or “proactive” or “efficient,” are you secretly trying to control everything including the uncontrollable?

4. Believing that analyzing will solve every problem.

Much like above, there are many good things about having an analytical nature.

However, there’s a downside, too. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “the paralysis of analysis.” Sometimes analysis only serves to keep us in our heads and out of taking action.

I talk with many of my clients who really want to find out where their problem came from and why. But all this is really doing is keeping them from accepting what is happening in the current moment and taking action when necessary. Instead, they are deep in their heads and memories, trying to come up with the one thing that will give them an “aha!” moment and make them feel better.

Just like in the movies.

If you’re an analyzer, take care to assess whether it is truly helping you solve a problem or merely serving to keep you paralyzed and living in your head rather in the real world.

5. Thinking “When _____ happens, I’ll feel better.”

When I get that raise.

When my wife stops having affairs on me.

When I get the new iPhone.

When I can afford new clothes for my kids.

All of these things actually might help you feel better. For awhile.

But my question is: Why not try to feel better now even when you’re still struggling with problems? Why wait?

I would love for you to read my invitation to lead a rich, meaningful live without having to wait for ____ to happen.

Are you in?

 For more great information on how to bounce back in life, please download my FREE e-book, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

1. I’ve been through this (or worse) before.

Remember that this is not the first time you’ve faced heartbreak, grief, emotional distress, or any other kind of calamity. You made it through then and you will now even if you think this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Great resource: Joan Borysenko’s It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change.

2. I accept myself completely as I am.

Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you failed at something. Or maybe you’re just having a hard time living with your painful emotions right now.

It’s okay.

Accept yourself fully in this moment just as you are. Notice your thoughts and feeling and make space for them. Realize that these thoughts and feelings are a part of you and, as such, need to be accepted rather than pushed away. Great resource: RAIN – Tara Brach

3. This, too, shall pass.

Simple, but true, is it not? Great resource: The Art of Resilience: 100 Paths to Wisdom and Strength in an Uncertain World -  Carol Orsborn.

4. How can I look at this differently?

It’s really easy to get stuck in looking at a problem or crisis from just one angle. See if there are other ways you can look at it. Is there something to learn? Is there another way to approach it? Great resource: 3 Simple Ways to Get a New Perspective on Monstrous Problems.

5. Who is around to help me with this?

This is not the time to go it alone. This is the time you gather your tribe and ask for their support in whatever way you need. Great resource:  Ya Gotta Have Friends: 4 Essential Ideas for Bouncing Back.

6. I will treat myself as I would my best friend were she going through this.

Give yourself a little love! Sometimes we can be harder on ourselves than we would ever be to a friend – or even an enemy!

Be as compassionate to yourself as you would your friend. Great resource: Soften, soothe, allow meditation by Dr. Kristin Neff.

7. How can I be kind to someone else?

Research is piling up now showing that helping someone else when you’re feeling down not only assists that person, but also helps you generate positive emotions within you.

And experiencing positive emotions during adversity not only helps you feel good, but it expands your ability to problem-solve and handle difficult situations. Great resource: Positivity – Barbara Fredrickson

8. What good things are going on for me right now?

It’s true. Gratitude helps. Great resource: The How of Happiness – Sonya Lyubomirsky

9. Sometimes life sucks.

Although having gratitude, creating positive emotions, and being self-compassionate are essential to making it through life’s storms, you don’t have to be Pollyanna.

You can do all of those things and still acknowledge that sometimes life is just plain hard. Great resource: On pain, tolerance, and why there are no bullet points.

10. [Breath] Stay . . . stay . . . stay . . . in the present.

Take a deep breath. No, really, do it now!

There, doesn’t that feel better?

The other thing that taking a deep breath can do is serve as a trigger to remind you to stay in the present moment rather than ruing the past or fretting about the future.

When practicing staying present, American Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield suggests treating the wandering mind as you would a puppy that you are trying to teach to stay.

When the puppy gets up and moves after you tell it to stay, you wouldn’t yell at it, “No! I told you to stay! Can’t you do anything?”

Instead, you would set the puppy back in place and gently say, “Stay . . . stay . . . good boy . . . no, stay . . .”

Treat your mind as you would a puppy who is just learning about a new world. Great resource: Meditation for Beginners, Jack Kornfield video

For more on bouncing back when life knocks you down, download my FREE ebook, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

That happened to me eight years ago when my partner, Ruth, died of metastatic breast cancer. Even though I knew she was going to die, even though we had talked about it and prepared for it the best we could, even though we had learned invaluable lessons during her illness, my spirit and heart were completely crushed when she took her last breath.

Shaken worldview

We all have ways that we view our worlds that are ensconced in our minds and based on our experiences. We view the world as safe or unsafe, fair or unfair, hopeful or hopeless, and so on. My world was always safe, predictable, orderly, and full of richness.

Until Ruth died.

I had never lost anyone before so the experience was completely new to me. Suddenly, my long-held worldview was shaken up.

If people you loved died, it meant the world wasn’t as safe as I thought it would be. Without Ruth, the richness was gone and certainly life wasn’t predictable if death could interrupt it.

Forgotten lessons

Ruth and I were blessed to learn so many life-changing lessons as we walked the path together with her cancer. We learned the art of non-resistance, the magic of being in the moment, and the truth that the things we used to stress about really were small stuff.

Early on in my journey with grief, I tried to access these lessons but it was as if I had emotional amnesia. I couldn’t remember them and, on the rare occasions that I did, it was as if I couldn’t access them or take comfort in them.

I was numb and those important lessons were out there, they just couldn’t get in.

Not knowing yourself

Without Ruth, without my usual world, and without the impactful lessons I had learned about life, I felt disconnected from myself.

Who was I now?

I thought I’d had a firm self-identity but suddenly it was scrambled. I felt like the snow in one of those snow globes after someone has turned it upside down and shaken it. My sense of self was scattered everywhere.

The good news

Aren’t you glad we’re finally getting to the good news?

I have a favorite clinical term that I use for grief: It sucks. And although it took me a few years, I eventually came out of the worst throes of it.

Here’s what helped:

1. Have patience and faith

One time, near the end of Ruth’s life, we’d just received some bad news about her prognosis. After thinking about it for awhile, I approached Ruth and asked her what she thought we were meant to learn from this newest information.

Ruth was quiet for a minute. Then she said. “Patience.” Pause. “And faith.”

And that’s what got me through my tumultuous grief. The patience of time passing in its usual way helped immensely.

As did my dim, but persistent, faith that I would come out through the other side of my grief. I kept telling myself that other people had, so I would, too, even if I couldn’t see how that could happen.

When your world shatters, allow the passage of time to heal you and be your guide. Even if it’s a tiny amount, let your faith in the process of recovery inspire you.

2. Allow others to remind you of the gifts and lessons.

Because your world is upside down and you may not remember the lessons and gifts that once guided you, let those closest to you remind you.

I treasured every card I received, every phone call from a friend who told me how much Ruth had meant to them and how our journey with cancer had taught them to lead a richer life.

Slowly, the loving reminders from people of the wonderful lessons I had learned with Ruth thawed my numbness and I was able to remember and embody them once more.

Use your friends. Tell them how lost you feel and allow them to be your anchor in your inner storm.

3. Welcome your new self.

You really can’t go back to who you were before your tragedy happened. You are different now because of the trauma.

I was not the same person without Ruth and with my new knowledge of a world where you can lose someone you love dearly.

I was different and you will be, too, as you heal from your trauma. And different isn’t always bad.

Like the snowflakes in the snow globe, my sense of self eventually settled, but the pattern that was formed was new and beautiful in its own way.

My sense of empathy was greatly increased, my path of helping people bounce back from loss and adversity was more clear, and the lessons I learned from Ruth’s life, death, and the ensuing grief are treasures that I continue to take forward with me into a different and meaningful new world.

4. Release the pressure valve.

One of the keys to bouncing back from grief or other trauma is to not pressure yourself. I had a hard time with this because I kept thinking I had lost all of the lessons Ruth and I had learned. I thought this was disrespectful to her memory.

Now I know that my reactions and feelings were just normal aspects of grief. It’s very easy to feel isolated in your experience and this can add to your own internal pressure to just “get over it.”

Don’t pressure yourself. Release the pressure by talking to others who have been through the same experience. Or read books by people who have.

There are no rules, no perfect timing about when you are supposed to be healed from your trauma. It happens when it happens and it’s usually an ongoing process.

Have mercy on yourself.

 Download my FREE ebook, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

In fact, I get depressed.

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit since I am a therapist, you know.

But it’s true.

Like many people – maybe you included - I’ve had a lifelong struggle with the inner critic that takes up space in my head and a lot of my emotional energy.

Of course, since it’s been a lifelong struggle, I’ve also been on a lifelong quest to find some answer to feel better about myself. Let me tell you just a little bit of my story.

I want you to think carefully as we go through the story and see if any of these steps describes where you are now.

For sake of example, I’m going to use the biggest thought I grapple with: I’m not good enough.

Here’s the story:

Once upon a time, I constantly thought I wasn’t good enough. This thought made me very sad and even led to periods of depression. The thought had to go so I could feel better.

The first thing I tried: Do what my mind says.

I tried to be good enough. Of course, that didn’t work because once I reached what should have been good enough, there was always something else that was better.

When I finally realized that trying to be good enough was an endless chase, I thought I would feel better. And I did. For awhile.

Next try: Talk myself out of it.

But then I became aware that I was still struggling with the thought that I wasn’t good enough. So I tried to think my way out of it. I came up with lots of realistic, rational thoughts to replace my negative thought.

This helped for a while, too. But soon I found myself in a knot inside my head, one set of thoughts battling with another – the rational versus the irrational.

It was very draining.

Next: Don’t resist.

Then, somewhat miraculously, I was introduced to the art of nonresistance. You’d think that I might have learned this from a spiritual leader or yoga teacher. But the lesson came from an unlikely source: an oncologist.

Several years ago, my late partner, Ruth, was having a conversation with her doctor about the difficult side effects of chemotherapy. We expected him to do something about the problem. Instead, he looked at Ruth and said something that changed both of our lives:

“Ruth, don’t resist. Allow the chemotherapy to do its healing work.”

This became our mantra and I learned to let go and truly accept the experience in front of me rather than struggle with it.

Next: Mindfulness

The strange thing was that although I learned how to accept the experiences and events that came into my life, it didn’t occur to me to apply the same type of acceptance to the constant battle in my head about being good enough.

It wasn’t until a few years later that I came across the idea of mindfulness. I had heard the word and understood it to some degree, but at some point – and I’m not even sure when this happened – it clicked:

I can accept my thoughts and feelings without resistance just like I do the events in my external world.

Life in my head became so much easier.

Now I knew to just notice the thought that I wasn’t good enough.

That’s all. Just notice.

I didn’t have to add anything on to the thought or judge it in anyway. I could just observe it, notice the sensations in my body because of it, and let it go like a bubble floating away on a soft breeze.

And, while I noticed the thought, I discovered that I didn’t have to believe it, either. I learned that minds are problem-solving machines and they evolved to keep us safe. So, when my mind kept coming up with this thought that I wasn’t good enough, it was just doing its job. It was trying to solve a problem or keep me safe in some way, probably by trying to “motivate” me to “be good” so that I wouldn’t be rejected by the tribe and endangered.

Whatever the reason, I practiced just being present with my own experiences, both internal and external, and not criticize them in any way.

It felt better. A lot better.

And I like to feel better.

Therein lies the problem.

It seemed like something wasn’t fitting quite right.

My new practice gave me a lot of space to accept myself and my experiences, but sometimes I still wrestled with my emotions.

I just noticed myself wrestling with my emotions, but I wrestled nonetheless. I figured I must be doing something wrong and that I must be missing some piece of this mindfulness puzzle, some magic ingredient that would help me feel better and better.

And I was. Just not in the way I had expected.

The Missing Piece

I was sitting in a seminar that was led by Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading researcher in the field of self-compassion. She was leading us through a mindfulness exercise, one of several that we had practiced that day.

I was feeling good about allowing myself to be present and to learn to increase the compassion I feel for myself. I felt hopeful that being more self-compassionate would give me another tool to help me in my constant quest to feel better.

About halfway through the exercise, I heard Kristin say, “And remember, you’re just allowing yourself to be present with your own experience. You’re not trying to get rid of anything. Trying to make yourself feel better by being self-compassionate is just another form of resistance. Just make space for the difficult feelings you’re having and allow them to be there.”

Wait. What?

I felt completely busted. Like she was talking directly to me instead of the hundreds of people in the auditorium.

So, that’s what was missing. I was using mindfulness to go after the tempting lure of feeling better. I wasn’t accepting my complete experience, only some of it. I was resisting the presence of my negative feelings and trying to make them go away – I was attempting to control them.

Since then, I’ve been exploring more and more the true meaning of acceptance. I’m learning to make space for my feelings, both positive and negative.

And I’m allowing them to be present as I continue on with my life.

This means that I’ve adopted a “Yes, and . . .” approach rather than a “Yes, but . . .” approach. Instead of saying, “Yes, I want to live a rich, meaningful life but I need to get rid of these negative feelings first,” I say, “Yes, I want to live a rich, meaningful life and I am doing that even though I’m not feeling good emotionally.”

As Neff says in her book, Self-Compassion:

It becomes understood that happiness is not dependent on circumstances being exactly as we want them to be, or on ourselves being exactly as we’d like to be. Rather, happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.

And, of course, this is not the end of my story, but only the beginning. The practice of complete acceptance is just that: a practice. One that must become part of my lifestyle and, I hope, part of yours, too.

So, now over to you: Where are you at in this process? Still trying to think you’re way into feeling better? Accepting some but not all of your experience?

Let’s talk about it in the comments below.

Like this article? Download my free ebook, “Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.” You can also follow me on Facebook where I post lots of other cool stuff.

*Not my actual grandmother

“Grandma,” I said with mock seriousness, “I think you’re finally getting old.”

She laughed. “Well, yes, I think I finally am!”

In some ways, I wasn’t kidding.

My grandmother has always been active and fit, gleefully turning a somersault for her five-year-old great-grandson when she was seventy-five. Taking care of “the old people” at her senior apartment complex well into her late eighties. Buzzing around the crowded room for her ninety-fifth birthday party, chatting and joking with her friends.

Then, suddenly, she got old. Her voice weakened and she finally started using a walker for balance. I could see the difference in her eyes: Once bright and curious, they now had softened into a gaze of subtle resignation.

“Grandma,” I asked her, “Do you want to live to be a hundred?”

She thought about it for a moment.

“Well, I do,” she said with a mischievous glint returning to her eyes, “But I don’t want to live the two years in between to get there!”

That weekend of my visit, I continued to watch her and think about her long, long life. Always an in-command person, what must it be like for her now that she is, as researchers term it, “the oldest of the old” and having to rely on others?

I reviewed some current research to learn about resiliency and the elderly. How do they adapt to the aging process with its cascading losses – physical, mental, and personal? How do they bounce back?

And what can we learn from them to use in our lives now?

Here are five ideas we can borrow from our elders on how to be more resilient in life.

1. The ability to let go.

Resilient old people are champions at letting go. With diminishing physical – and sometimes mental – capabilities, the elderly are constantly faced with a choice: to resist change or to let go of former capabilities.

Those who adapt better are the ones who are able to let go of their past abilities and come to terms with their new ones.

We can follow the path set by our wise seniors by not resisting change in our lives and letting go of the things that don’t work for us any longer.

2. Redefining yourself.

Letting go of things that don’t work for them means that old people are constantly redefining themselves – adapting to a new normal.

We can learn a lot from this particular skill.

Change is a constant in life.

Older people understand this more than we younger and middle-aged folks do.

Although, I do have to share this funny comment from the ninety-nine-year-old grandmother of a friend of mine:

“I always thought things would calm down and get easier. I’m beginning to think that’s not going to happen.” ~Phoebe Howard

While it may have taken Phoebe awhile to figure things out, we can catch on much more quickly.

Change doesn’t have to mean loss.

It can also give us a chance to redefine ourselves into someone who takes advantage of what we have right now in the present moment.

3. A sense of belonging.

The old people who do really well say they feel like they belong somewhere.

One of the reasons my grandmother continues to live in her senior apartment complex rather than move closer to my mother is because of the community she has there.

She has friends she meets for dinner, buddies to watch baseball with, and a church that provides a spiritual community for her.

Just like our elders, we need to belong, too.

Isolation only leads to a lack of resiliency via depression and loneliness, so make sure you have a community – a tribe of your own.

Like the old sitcom, Cheers, try to find a place “where everyone knows your name.”

4. Being okay with dependence.

Most of us don’t like to be dependent.

We value our strength and freedom.

Seniors, while valuing those same things, come to accept dependence as a means of adapting to their changing circumstances.

While we may not be able to identify with the word “dependence,” we can benefit by learning to strengthen our bonds of social support.

Accepting help when it is needed rather than stubbornly trying to do everything ourselves.

Asking others to support us emotionally rather than trying to tough it out.

5. Learning to be open and flexible.

This is probably the greatest lesson from our elders: the value of flexibility in order to adapt.

The lives of seniors are constantly changing: physically, mentally, and logistically with changes such as moving into assisted living environments.

Yet, the most resilient of these old people are the ones who are able to adapt to all of this. They are open to change and become flexible in their expectations about life.

 Adaptation is an essential quality that we all need, no matter how old we are.

How open and flexible are you? Can you look at change as inevitable and constant and still be open to what it brings?

If not, find an old person and ask them how to do it!

Although she teased about living the next two years to reach one-hundred, my grandmother continues to inspire me with her ability to adapt and change.

She gave up her driver’s license at age eighty-four but learned how to use the bus system so she could still help the “old people” get to their medical appointments. She is a long-time member of her church and feels at home there within a loving community.

Now ninety-nine, Grandma still attends her weekly exercise class for seniors.

And she consistently astonishes me with her openness to her changing world.

Although she does not like her shrinking independence, she adjusted to using a walker and is comfortable taking my arm for stability when needed.

And she still roots on her beloved Seattle Mariners even though life experience there has sometimes been disappointing!

We can learn a lot from our elders.

Resources:

Rosowsky, E. (2009.) Challenge and Resilience in Old Age. Generations: Journal of the American Society on Aging. 33 (3), p.100-102.

Langer, N. (2004.) Resiliency and Spirituality: Foundations of Strengths Perspective Counseling with the Elderly. Educational Gerontology, 30, 611-617.

Bauer, J.J. & Park, S.W. (2010.) Growth is not just for the young: growth narratives, eudaimonic resilience, and the aging self. Fry, Prem S.; and Keyes, Corey L. M.. New Frontiers in Resilient Aging. Boston: Cambridge University Press.

Download my FREE e-book, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

If you’re in the middle of one of these tough times, here are some ideas that can not only help you survive, but thrive as well.

1. Practice self-compassion – When you’re facing a tough time in your life, don’t make it tougher by beating up on yourself. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff suggests three essential ways to be nicer to yourself:

a.) Treat yourself as you would your best friend. You would never say the things your inner critic says about you to your best friend.

b.) Don’t isolate yourself by thinking you’re the only one who makes mistakes or faces adversity. Remember that we all share a common humanity.

c.) Practice mindfulness by noticing your thoughts and feelings, but have no judgment about them. Simply notice them and let them go. (Read Neff’s wonderful book, Self-Compassion.)

2. Accept the reality of your situation – It’s easy to deny or rationalize things when you’re facing a problem. This is the time to get real with yourself– no more denial or wishful thinking that it will get better.

See the situation for what it really is and start to take action to deal with it.

3. Have a tribe – Creating and keeping a network of people around you is an essential part of being able to bounce back in life.

A tribe of close friends and family members ensures that you’ll have people to bounce ideas off of, who will give you emotional support, who will call you out when you’re in denial, and who will stay by your side no matter what.

4. Acknowledge that constant change is a part of life – A friend of mine told me that her grandmother, at age 99, said,

“I always thought that things would calm down and get easier. I’m beginning to believe that’s not going to happen.”

The sooner you accept that change is as much a part of life as growing older is, the more prepared you’ll be for it.

Struggling against life changes – even when they’re unwanted – only drains your energy.

Adopt a change mindset and save your energy for engaging in the joyous parts of life.

5. You don’t have to like it – Somehow it has become implied that, in order to deal with adversity effectively and in a healthy way, you must like what is happening to you.

This is just wrong.

Acceptance of a problem is different than liking it. You can be open, flexible, and accepting without liking what you’re going through

6. Let it go – Holding tightly to a belief, behavior, or material object only drains your energy and narrows your focus onto that object.

Allow yourself the freedom of releasing your tight emotional grasp on these things and you’ll soon find much more space in which to face the rough times in your life.

7. Get a different perspective – Remember that there are always at least two ways to look at something and usually many more.

Even though you’re in the middle of a crisis, might there actually be an opportunity opening up for you? A

new job? A chance to learn about yourself or someone else? Is life teaching you a new way to approach change?

A woman I know told me that she looked at the unexpected loss of her job as an opportunity to “expand rather than contract.”

How many different ways can you view the situation in front of you?

8. Expect gifts – Even though it can be tiresome to hear that “every cloud has a silver lining,” it’s still true that most situations bring us lesson and gifts in sometimes subtle way.

Maybe you’ll learn that you’re stronger than you thought.

Maybe you’ll find out how many people really care about you.

When my late partner had breast cancer, we learned the art of non-resistance through her very wise oncologist. While we still pursued aggressive treatment for her cancer, we let go of the resistance to the process.

This lesson profoundly changed our lives for the better.

9. Take a break – Sometimes when we are in one of life’s storms we end up focusing all of our energies on just staying afloat.

It’s important for you to give yourself a break now and again.

Take some time to do something fun with friends or family or even by yourself.

Distracting yourself from your problems for a bit will clear your mind and some healthy laughter will feel good and create some healthy space for clarity, too.

Even if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s okay to take laughter breaks. Your sadness will be there when you get back.

10. Remember that you’ve made it through tough times before – It’s funny how we humans are. Even though we’ve experienced crises in the past, it always seems that the one in front of us is the biggest and worst one ever.

But it’s a really helpful exercise to sit for a minute and think about tough times you’ve been through before.

Notice how you made it through that past event even though you may have thought at the time that you wouldn’t.

So remember that you’re going to get through this one, too.

12. Learn from a kaleidoscope - When you look through a kaleidoscope, you see a beautiful pattern. It’s so pretty, you may not want to change it.

But, eventually, you have to turn the dial.

Suddenly there is a chaotic jumble in front of your eyes but then, magically, another beautiful pattern emerges.

Life can be like this, too.

So remember when things are jumbled in your life that they may be actually forming a brand new, beautiful image.

13. Commit random acts of kindness – Both happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky and positivity researcher Barbara Frederickson have found that intentionally doing something kind – even something very small – for another person can help you feel happier and more positive which, in turn, helps you to expand your mindset and increase your ability to problem-solve.

Who wouldn’t want that?

You get to feel better AND solve your problem faster!

Helping others can be a great way to help yourself.

If you found this article helpful,  download my free ebook, “Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.” You can also check out my blog at http://www.TheBounceBlog.com.

And, despite good intentions, yours might be laying a trap for you.

To find out why, we need to take a look at one of your best allies in bouncing back in life: acceptance.

The word “acceptance” comes from the Latin, acceptare, which means “to take what is offered willingly.”

Willing is the key word here.

Accepting something means that you are willing to take it on, willing to take what is offered to you.

Part of being human is experiencing many different moods, thoughts, and events. Some of them are pleasant and some of them are painful.

Of course, it’s easy to accept the pleasant thoughts and feelings in our lives.

It’s the painful portion that we don’t like that makes us really have to work on accepting it.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance, or willingness, according to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, means:

 . . . allowing our thoughts and feelings to be as they are, regardless of whether they are pleasant or painful; opening up and making room for them; dropping the struggle with them; and letting them come and go as they naturally do.

This practice allows us to just notice that we are having difficult thoughts and feelings and we can just observe them rather than necessarily believe them.

So we’re not trying to replace our negative thoughts and feelings. We’re actually embracing them. And this embracing – willing acceptance – often creates new positive emotions right alongside the negative ones.

As researcher Kristin Neff says,

When we have compassion [which involves acceptance] for ourselves, sunshine and shadow are both experienced simultaneously.

Notice that the idea behind acceptance is not to influence our negative thoughts and feelings at all – not to shrink them, reduce them, or make them go away.

Just dropping the struggle and allowing them to be.

The case for allowing negative experiences

Why? Why not fight negative experiences or try to get rid of them?

Think about it.

You’ve tried that, haven’t you?

Is it working? Did you get rid of your difficult thoughts and feelings so they never came back again?

No.

And you know why?

You’re human.

It’s part of our condition as humans to always have some experience of pain as well of experiences of joy, love, and contentment.

So we know that resisting just doesn’t work.

The trap

We know that willingly accepting something involves allowing it to be, not struggling with it, and not having any expectation about influencing it.

But here’s the trap that our minds too often wander into:

We don’t want a particular emotion or thought, so we decide we’ll willingly accept it because we know that’s the right thing to do.

However, we often are actually thinking this:

If I am willing to have these thoughts and feelings, then maybe my acceptance of them will make them go away.

Whack! You’re trapped.

Using acceptance as a means to diminish or make your negative experiences go away is actually a subtle way of resisting them.

Instead of creating space for you to let your negative thoughts and feelings come and go naturally, you’ve trapped them in your mind where they will continue to wreak their havoc.

Avoiding the trap

You can see that the trap is actually very subtle.

Here are four ways to avoid it or get out of it once you’re in.

1. Use words that make sense to you.

Maybe acceptance, willingness, creating space, and other terms don’t really resonate for you.

Choose something that will truly represent what acceptance means for you. Some ideas for describing what you’ll do with your negative experience are:

Let it be.

Soften up around it.

Give it permission to be where it already is.

Breathe into it.

Stop wasting energy on pushing it away.

Expand around it.

2. Be curious.

Think of yourself as a scientist who is observing your own inner workings with detached curiosity.

Ask yourself occasionally, “How am I doing? Am I truly making room for these painful thoughts or feelings? Or am I secretly hoping that they’ll go away.”

Be excruciatingly honest with yourself. Anything less keeps you trapped.

3. Ask your body.

Still being a curious scientist, note any tension, tightness, or heavy spots in your body.

Might they be there because you’re holding tightly to something rather than just allowing it to be?

4. Be quiet.

No, I’m not giving you an order here.

But I am encouraging you to take a few minutes to be still.

You can close your eyes if you like or keep them open.

Notice your breath – the way the air feels cool around your nostrils as you inhale and warm as you exhale.

Sit for a few minutes in this quiet space.

What comes up for you?

Awareness of painful thoughts and feelings with room just to let them be?

Or the faint hope that they are going to go away?

If you find yourself resisting at any time, that’s okay. You’re human.

Just go back to allowing your negative experiences to be there. Let them ebb and flow.

Take a breath.

Get back to your life.

References:

Harris, Russ (2009). ACT Made Simple. Oakland, Ca: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Neff, Kristin (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. New York, NY: William Morrow.

Want more help with bouncing back in life? Download my FREE e-book, Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.

You made it through Christmas.

I bet you didn’t think you would, did you?

I know it was hard.

I know that every colored light, every piece of tinsel, every canned Christmas carol piped through department store speakers, and every well-meaning person wishing you a merry Christmas made you want to scream, “It doesn’t matter! Don’t you see that none of this matters? How can it without my loved one here?”

I know how much it hurt you to smile while family and friends opened gifts and all you could think of is the last present you gave your loved one.

I know how incomplete you felt, how foreign the holiday seemed, how you wanted to stay under the covers until it was all over.

I know all of this.

And I also know that you made it through.

And I know that you will make it through the New Year’s celebrations with the same heartache but perhaps with a different twist. With memories of glasses raised together or watching the ball drop in Times Square together or letting a child stay up past bedtime to ring in the New Year.

And you will make it through that holiday, too.

Do what you must: Cry, laugh, avoid parties, go to too many parties, light a candle for your loved one, write a song for your loved one, don’t think about your loved one, perform a quiet ritual for your loved one, distract yourself, scream at God, meditate, play a game, sleep.

It hurts.

There’s no getting around the pain.

But look, my friend, you are making it.

You thought you wouldn’t, but you are.

This is how grief is.

You get through one day at a time. One moment at a time.

The holidays will be your most severe test and you are half way there.

Those of us in this unenviable group called the Grief Club know what it’s like. That’s why we can tell you that you’re doing great.

It doesn’t feel like it, but you are.

And we’re with you.

And proud of you.

With much love and respect,

One Who Knows Grief Too Well

If you found this helpful, you may also be interested in On Pain, tolerance, and why there are no bullet points.

Download my free e-book Bounce Back! 5 keys to survive and thrive through life’s ups and downs.