I was sitting in a rustic camping lodge on an island in Washington State with a crackling fire in front of me. The smell of pine and earth and wood smoke delighted my senses with each inhale. Around me, people were chatting intently and occasional spurts of laughter erupted in the great hall.

I didn’t want to be there.

In my lengthy career in mental health, I’ve noticed that there are several key stumbling blocks that keep many people from bouncing back when adversity hits.

If you can get rid of these things, life will open up for you and become less of a struggle.

1. Thinking that you’ll get to a point where life doesn’t change.

Admit it. If you’re like most of us, you secretly think that some day when you have everything figured out and every material thing you need, then you won’t have to deal with change any longer.

Well, as my friend’s grandmother said when she reached the age of 99,

I always thought things would calm down and get easier. I’m beginning to believe that’s not going to happen. ~ Phoebe Howard, age 99

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1. I’ve been through this (or worse) before.

Remember that this is not the first time you’ve faced heartbreak, grief, emotional distress, or any other kind of calamity. You made it through then and you will now even if you think this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Great resource: Joan Borysenko’s It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change.

2. I accept myself completely as I am.

Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you failed at something. Or maybe you’re just having a hard time living with your painful emotions right now.

It’s okay.

Accept yourself fully in this moment just as you are. Notice your thoughts and feeling and make space for them. Realize that these thoughts and feelings are a part of you and, as such, need to be accepted rather than pushed away. Great resource: RAIN – Tara Brach

3. This, too, shall pass.

Simple, but true, is it not? Great resource: The Art of Resilience: 100 Paths to Wisdom and Strength in an Uncertain World -  Carol Orsborn.

4. How can I look at this differently?

It’s really easy to get stuck in looking at a problem or crisis from just one angle. See if there are other ways you can look at it. Is there something to learn? Is there another way to approach it? Great resource: 3 Simple Ways to Get a New Perspective on Monstrous Problems.

5. Who is around to help me with this?

This is not the time to go it alone. This is the time you gather your tribe and ask for their support in whatever way you need. Great resource:  Ya Gotta Have Friends: 4 Essential Ideas for Bouncing Back.

6. I will treat myself as I would my best friend were she going through this.

Give yourself a little love! Sometimes we can be harder on ourselves than we would ever be to a friend – or even an enemy!

Be as compassionate to yourself as you would your friend. Great resource: Soften, soothe, allow meditation …

There are times in life that shake you to your core. Your world is changed so much that you don’t recognize it or yourself anymore and doubts start to creep in that you’re ever going to recover.

That happened to me eight years ago when

Last year while visiting my ninety-eight-year-old grandmother, I knelt down next to her chair and looked her in the eyes.

*Not my actual grandmother

“Grandma,” I said with mock seriousness, “I think you’re finally getting old.”

She laughed. “Well, yes, I think I finally am!”

In some ways, I wasn’t kidding.

My grandmother has always been active and fit, gleefully turning a somersault for her five-year-old great-grandson when she was seventy-five. Taking care of “the old people” at her senior apartment complex well into her late eighties. Buzzing around the crowded room for her ninety-fifth birthday party, chatting and joking with her friends.

Then, suddenly, she got old. Her voice weakened and she finally started using a walker for balance. I could see the difference in her eyes: Once bright and curious, they now had softened into a gaze of subtle resignation.

“Grandma,” I asked her, “Do you want to live to be a hundred?”

She thought about it for a moment.

“Well, I do,” she said with a mischievous glint returning to her eyes, “But I don’t want to live the two years in between to get there!”

That weekend of my visit, I continued to watch her and think about her long, long life. Always an in-command person, what must it be like for her now that she is, as researchers term it, “the oldest of the old” and having to rely on others?

I reviewed some current research to learn about resiliency and the elderly. How do they adapt to the aging process with its cascading losses – physical, mental, and personal? How do they bounce back?

And what can we learn from them to use in our lives now?

Here are five ideas we can borrow from our elders on how to be more resilient in life.

1. The ability to let go.

Resilient old people are champions at letting go. With diminishing physical – and sometimes mental – capabilities, the elderly are constantly faced with a choice: to resist change or to let go of former capabilities.

Those who adapt better are the ones who are able to let …

Sometimes life hits us fast and hard and knocks us off our feet for awhile.

If you’re in the middle of one of these tough times, here are some ideas that can not only help you survive, but thrive as well.

Do you worry so much that it ruins your day?

And maybe your nights because you can’t sleep due to worry?

While worry is a common human behavior, too much of it can add unnecessary stress to your life which can cause health problems which can . . .

Wait.

I better stop before you start to worry about this.

Here’s a list of three reasons people worry and three ways to change for good.

At 48 years old, I’ve decided to take up bicycling.

(Bear with me, I’ll be getting to the hacks straightaway! But we’re going to use bicycling as an analogy.)

My sister, who is a year older than me, decided earlier this year that she was going to compete in mini-triathlons, also known as sprints.

We talked about doing a sprint together next year, but since I’m a very weak swimmer and my knees can’t tolerate running anymore, we’ve opted to do a relay where she will swim, I will bike, and another friend will run.

So, here I am, a middle-aged former athlete who hasn’t ridden a bike since she was a kid, out on the roads pedaling away trying to get back into shape.

And you know what?

It’s hard.

It’s hard and it’s exhilarating and frustrating and invigorating. All in one package.

Just about every day that I ride now, I realize that my bicycle riding is very much like life can be when you’re trying to learn a new skill or break an old habit or just make it through a tough time.

Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned:

“Why? Why me?”

Those are natural questions to ask when you’re faced with a crisis in your life.

There are never any easy answers but it does help to have a framework – a way to structure events in your mind – for getting through the tough times.

Broken hearts. We’ve all had them, or will at some time. I hope these quotes for the broken-hearted will help you bounce back from heartbreak in the most healing way possible.

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Remember that bouncing back from heartache is very much like bouncing back from other pain in our lives – you have to accept the loss in your life.

But remember this too: accepting something does not mean you have to like it.

One of the things I like about this quote for the broken-hearted from Edna St. Vincent Millay is that she has accepted the pain that accompanies heart break: I miss you like hell.

She is not using flowery, romantic language about the loss. She accepts it, but calls it like it is – a hole that she falls into every night, a hellish pain.