Archives for Sexuality
I just finished the fantastic book "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski. What was most striking about it for me wasn't the science (though Nagoski does a great job at laying that out, along with the misconceptions, inaccuracies, and propaganda we've all been fed for too long.) No, what was most striking was the frequent refrain/reassurance that we're all normal--in terms of our body parts, our desires, our arousal, our orgasms. You name it: it's variable from person to person. And the number one enemy, what's really keeping you from having the sex life you want, is preconceptions about what's normal, or right, or what everyone else is doing, or what we're all supposed to be doing and feeling. The question, "Am I normal?", does us all a disservice. But the answer, every time is yes. Here are some ideas of how to get the sex life you want, and to want the sex life you have.
My last post was about increasing intimacy through touch, and a number of people wrote in about their frustration and sadness over a partner who's turned off to affection and sex. If you're in this painful situation, please read on for some suggestions.
A fairly common problem I see in the couples I work with is differing libidos. In these cases, the person who wants more sex feels chronically rejected, and the other person feels chronically pressured. Here are some thoughts on how to handle this tricky dynamic.
This blog post has been percolating since the report that Chris Christie himself commissioned "exonerated" him, while doing a character assassination on Bridget Kelly, his former deputy chief of staff (and, it appears, his chosen scapegoat for BridgeGate. Hell, BridgeGate even has most of "Bridget" right in the name! Case closed!) Anyway, Rachel Maddow first pointed out the slut-shaming aspect of the report, which painted Bridget as an unstable, oversexed woman scorned. And even a Fox news analyst agreed. And though my daughter is two and still in diapers, the culture in which we live will increasingly shape who she is and how she sees herself. So what might the psychological impact be on her, and her cohorts?
Many of us take our primary relationships for granted. But every now and again, it's time to assess just how we're doing as friends, lovers, co-parents, and all-around partners. Here's a quick check-up/check-in that you can do on your own, or even better, with your partner. That way, you can see how your answers (and your experiences) match up.
Last weekend, my husband and I had a night away from the baby for the first time (she's just past ten months). Some parents have told me that seems so soon; for others, it seems incredibly late. If we had local family, I'm sure it would have happened for us sooner. In fact, we'd arranged an overnight trip four or five months ago during a visit from my mother, but our baby wound up making other plans: She caught a virus that caused her to spend four nights in the pediatric ICU (the PICU.) We were never given any reason to believe she would die, though it was still a frightening and emotional experience. To have some perspective: Our daughter was in the PICU, but she was far and away the healthiest baby there.
“We never have sex anymore,” my new client, the mother of an 11-month-old, tells me plaintively. “Is that normal?” Her husband stares at the floor like he’s waiting for a shot: Just let it be over quickly. “That’s definitely normal,” I reassure them. “And our conversations have gotten so boring,” she continues. “We don’t have time to really talk. Or we’re too nervous to really talk. We’re always on alert. At any minute, we can get interrupted. Our son will need something.” “That’s normal, too.” Is it ever. Though my little interrupter happens to be a female, nearly ten months old, I know what my client is talking about. Intimately. I debate whether to share that with her.