Archives for Relationships
One of the biggest problems with bad therapists is that you often fail to recognize their professional ineptitude. Instead, you wind up thinking it's you, your partner, or your relationship. So here are some ways to tell when it's not you; it's your therapist.
When your child is having trouble, it might make you feel like you need to just sit back and let the experts take over. You need to listen to everything they tell you at the school, and take all the advice from therapists. Maybe you feel like your child's issues are somehow your fault, and that you just have to turn over your power to other people. Remember, your child needs you now more than ever. So it's important to empower yourself. You are your child's best observer and greatest advocate.
As a therapist, I see a lot of couples who are working on their relationships. I also see a lot of individuals who are unhappy in their relationships but don't know where to start to improve them. Are they the problem? Is it their partners? Or is it the dynamics between them? Perhaps all of the above? Generally, a good place to start is in recognizing your own needs. If you were raised in a home where your needs were invalidated or chronically unmet, this can be a very daunting task. So here are some questions to ask yourself.
I recently wrote about emotional abuse, and how often people think of it as name-calling or explicit cruelty, when really, it might be about someone controlling you with silent disapproval. It's when someone causes you to feel you can never be good enough. That ties into my topic today. Are you in a relationship but often feel completely alone? Your partner might be emotionally withholding.
I just read the fantastic book "Girls & Sex" by Peggy Orenstein. What I love is that while it paints a somewhat dire picture of the landscape for teen (and even pre-teen girls), not to mention young adults, it's not just about diagnosing the problem; there's a prescription. You can help your daughters navigate that landscape, but it involves talking to them differently than you might have considered before. It means that instead of just talking about the risks of sex, we have to talk honestly about rewards, which is probably far more uncomfortable but incredibly valuable. So here are some ideas for how to have those talks. And remember, even if you've been approaching it differently, it's never too late to try something new.
So Trump's latest racist affront has arrived, and as usual, he makes no apologies. And the Republican party wants him to just say he's sorry so he can end the conversation. As anyone with kids knows, forcing apologies does nothing for the victim or the perpetrator. Expressing remorse is just the start, though. It's also about helping the other person (or people) to heal from what's been done to them. All of that takes tremendous strength. Sadly, the Republican nominee seems to believe it's a weakness. How do we teach our kids otherwise?
No, really. It can be a good thing. People who get each other -- who truly understand trauma, down in their bones -- can heal each other. In my clinical experience, finding a non-judgmental love (and extending that same non-judgmental love back) is incredibly powerful. So how do you let the light in, together?
Sometimes you're so deep in it that you can't even see it (it's the fish-can't-see-the-water syndrome), so this post is hopefully a bit of a wake-up call. Or maybe you'll learn that your relationship problems are just like everyone else's. But here goes. You know your relationship is toxic when...