I have bipolar disorder

I am a male, married to a “bipolar” female. We have been married 22 years.

The truth is, there’s not much difference between her bipolar and schizophrenia. Same meds for both.

Zyprexa is the only drug that has ever made her close to “right”. But it causes alarming weight gain. She has been on Seroquel for the past 7 years, and I think it’s less effective than a placebo. Since she has been on Seroquel, she has been mean as a snake and a keg of dynamite.

She does not handle stressful situations at all, and even on the meds, she is constantly about 3 seconds from a major explosion. We have to tip-toe around her, and avoid any conflict. If she gets started on something that really troubles her, it’s like a mouse caught in the bottom of a bucket, running around frantically.

She is really sneaky about going and doing whatever she wants and uses her mental illness as a club to get her way.

Every couple of years, she goes off her meds and ends up institutionalized.

The first thing the medicos ask me is “What are YOU doing to this poor girl to make her crazy?”

Every time, I have to explain that I am her best friend and gladiator.

It gets really, REALLY old.

Shortly after we got married, she burnt down an abandoned schoolhouse. She was charged with arson. In court, the judge severely chastised ME for “not keeping her under control”, threatened me with jail if I didn’t “keep her under control” in the future. He also fined ME $800.

Six months later, her feminist counselor was chewing me out about being “manipulative and controlling”. I told her that she needed to get together with the judge and decide which it was going to be.

The good times are good. Bad times really bad. She is incompetent and disabled, but insists on being BOSS and micro-managing everybody’s lives. Every one of the kids (mine from previous marriage and OURS together) have fled our home the moment they got old enough.

She had 3 sons from her first marriage. 2 of them also have developed schizophrenia. They are both almost 30 years old now. One is a criminally insane thug who is “institutionalized”. The other one keeps being sent back to us because there are NO “institutions” for insane people who are not criminals. He is on Seroquel too. Even though he theoretically has an IQ of 165, he has no ambition or desire to do anything or make anything of himself. And doesn’t have to, because the system and his momma shoves him right up my…nose. She kept bringing the criminal one back too, every time he got out of jail, until I started calling the cops every time he showed up.

Only my Christian faith causes me to remain married to her. And it has cost me dearly. My house really IS a “Residential Treatment Center”, but it all comes out of my pocket. I am their welfare system.

And that’s what it’s like being married to someone who is “bipolar”. I do not recommend it.

I’m bipolar. I am now separated from my husband. Apparently I wasn’t crazy enough. He left and is now seeing a couple of women with borderline personality disorder, one of whom is also bipolar.

~By the way~

If my wife found out I was typing these messages, all hell would break loose.

We are supposed to play pretend that there’s no problem and it’s all a big “secret”.

When she finds out I have said anything, the war is on and the *Threat Level* can go *Way Up*.

It’s no fun.

I don’t know DIRECTLY how it’s like to be married to someone with BD!
My mum is bibolar and she has been married to my dad for 21 years! As far as i can remember, their relationship was always like a roller coaster. There were good and bad times!

Since i was a little girl, i’ve noticed my dad’s effort to make his marriage go on the right way. Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible! The manic episodes of my mother were stronger than anything and they just took control of any situation!

I’m very close to my dad! I love him so much, because he always protected me when my mother had her horrible episodes and she tried to hurt me!

They are still married! I really don’t know why! I think he wants to take care of her ’cause he feels that without him my mother would lose control of herself and maybe would end up hurting or even killing herself! (She’s very violent when she’s in her manic episodes)

I really want the best for my dad! And ….maybe that’s why i think he should slipt up with my mother! She only causes troubles and more troubles…..and that’s very frustrating!

So, i can say that I’ve been a witness to a marriage with someone who is bipolar…..and it’s terrible for the other partner and also for the kids!

pd: Sorry for my awful english! I just wanted to share my experience!

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I know you spouses must go through hell at time dealing with us that are BP and you have to be a saint to continue to put up with it all those years. My husband and I have a unique situation, I think it is. At least I hope it is and others don’t have to deal with what we do. I was diagnosed two years ago with BP right after we got married and I know when i am manic and angry it’s hard on him, and I hate myself for it. I don’t get the mania and do not have any spending/shopping issues. I am so sorry for all of you that have to deal with those problems on top of the manic and anger episodes. It must be so hard. But I go through a lot with him, and his son, as well. He has schizophernia with psychosis. He was diagnosed three years ago. As long as he stays on his meds he doesn’t have any real problems. Unlike me, I get manic and angry meds or not. Sometimes it hard to get him to take his meds. I have been trying to keep us on an a schedule of taking our meds together each night to help us both stay on track. On top of all this, my step son who is 10 yrs old and with us every other weekend, a month during the summer and a week at a time here and there throughout the year, has aspergers. And let me tell you, this apartment can get really small when there are three crazy people in it and none of us are having a good day!lol. I have had to laugh at that at times to keep from going over the edge! So I can understand both sides of it, having a mental illness that some one has to deal with and having to care for and deal with others that have one. It can all be very overwhelming at times and can be just too much. But, we work through it. I don’t know if both of us being sick makes it easier on us, because we understand what each other is going through, or if it is harder on us because we are both sick. Good luck to all of you and thanks again for sharing. Take care everyone!

Charlie-

Yes, living with mentally ill people IS traumatic for those around them. Walking on egg-shells, knowing that an explosion can happen any minute over who knows what. We get really sick and tired of the mindless drama.

But we do NOT have any inherited disorder, and we don’t need bad advice from “professionals”. We certainly do NOT need the drugs that they would prescribe to “help you deal with it”.

Life is full of traumatic experiences and we are resilient and adaptable. We CAN “buck up and get over it”.

It used to be a common skill.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and I have been married for three years (together for a total of six). I’m not one of those people that gets full-blown mania. I tend to have depression and episodes that are close but not quite mixed states. My issues have been controlled by medication for about two years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs but is rewarding overall.

My husband says that the depression is hard. He feels like it’s his fault, and that he needs to fix me. I repeatedly tell him it’s not, but he doesn’t understand how someone could think about suicide.

One thing that I strive to do is communicate how I am feeling. If I’m in a fit of rage, I tell my husband that I need to go outside – and I do it. If I need to cry, I say “It’s not your fault, but I need to cry right now.” You get the idea.

I make it a point to get to the doctor before a full-blown episode occurs. That isn’t doable for everyone as some people get hit with symptoms really fast or they’re insight could be better. I make all of my appointments, eat right, stay active, and try to keep my support network going.

I also try to educate him (since he won’t crack open a book himself!). I think it helps. I’ve tried to educate myself on my issues so that I can better communicate my needs to others.

I also try to stay away from triggers. I don’t work a full 40 hours a week. My husband has to pick up some financial slack (which I hate), but I can’t do 40 hours. Just can’t right now. We have a four month old and sometimes I need to take something to sleep and have him get up so I don’t get symptomatic.

I am by no means perfect. But I think our relationship works. He says it does.

My wife of 18 years has recently (as in 2 days ago she was dragged away by the authorities after my son attempted to commit suicide three times partly becuase of school and her) been diagnosed with Bipolar many of the females and one male of her family have had it and well its really really tough. She is telling me all sorts of things all the tie she has delusions and I am only begining to really how hard this is if she stays with me. I love her and only want her back whole. Other people are saying, (friends ) that i have assisted the authorities in violating her rights, she has written a book stroke diary of sorts thats seems to be mad beyond belief and well written but the whole thing is really scary. She dosnt believe she has anything wrong with her, but I dunno. She wants to take our youngest away I am loathe to do that. I am begining to think this is mad. I am mostly alone.

I do have bipolar 1 as my mother did (she committed suicide after many attempts when I was 15). I don’t think anyone should allow being married to an unstable bipolar spouse ruin their life. YOU deserve some joy & happiness & peace in your life. But I DO believe having a supportive, loving & understanding spouse is crucial for the marriage to survive. My father pretty much moved out (which was very irresponsible to leave us kids w/my mother when she was relaeased from the mental institution) as he KNEW how unwell & dangerous she was. Her 1st “symptom” was calling him at work one day out of the blue telling him she was going to kill the children & then herself. He did send the cops & then started the whole awful ordeal of her suffering from this illness. She couldn’t be helped. She got ECT’s, tried all the meds (this was in the 60′s & 70′s) & she fled from the USA when she found out my father was in the process of getting her involuntarily committed. She actually wrote him a letter stating she wanted to get a lobotomy (she had some rare moments of insight that she was really ill).

So when I had my 1st suicide attempt at 15 (a couple mos. before she returned to the USA & killed herself within days of her return), the boarding school my father had put us in (he did not want to hear about my sadness or turmoil; he got ANGRY when I became depressed & attempted suicide as the school said I had to be out 2 weeks & I’m assuming they told him to get me some psychological help–which didn’t happen). He just left me alone on his yacht (where he was living) & I swallowed every pill there, but he only had cold meds & aspirin.

But I met my future husband at the boarding school & actually the dorm parents could tell my father didn’t really care about me & called my boyfriend to come to the hospital as he was off campus visiting his parents when I was having my stomach pumped (they didn’t call my father or couldn’t reach him until the next day).

As an aside, his parents tried to break us up (even to the point of withdrawing him from the school without telling me; my future husband convinced them that he should return to the boarding school & me–though it has been tough (we married when I had just turned 20 & he was 22; he went on to graduate school & has become very successful in his field) but his mother especially was very rude & mean to me I was not good enough for her son–plus I had the awful history of mother’s suicide; his father was much more personable as we shared a love of literature.

So we have been together for 45 years as a committed couple & 35 yrs. of marriage. It has been hard for HIM & for ME. I had mostly depression & a few episodes of hypo mania which I loved but I did do the overspending, getting involved in every committee or volunteer group under the sun.

I went to so many docs & therapists to no avail. My husband supported me, stuck with me (our “theme” song is “Happy to be Stuck with You”–yes, we are old!!).

But when I finally got the correct dx of bipolar 1 (was in an extreme mixed episode at the time) it was such a relief for him & for me to find out that all my behaviors & thoughts had an origin in this illness. I wasn’t purposefully trying to make our life chaotic.

But I think individual therapy & I also do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which have been so beneficial–same therapist) as I had done therapy for years w/different therapists with no success. DBT is teaching me skills to deal with my over sensitivity, tendency towards depression & sometimes paranoia.

Meds helped me tremendously (Abilify, Lamictal, Xanax, Concerta, Provigil, Trazodone–and once had to have Wellbutrin added during one winter–got off it in the spring–use one of those full-spectrum lights).

But as I am getting elderly (55) I am concerned about the lack of evidence of side effects in the older population. I also gained 50 lbs. in 12 yrs. on Abilify. It WORKED in helping my thinking & get rid of the paranoia & got me to the point of being able to benefit from DBT & indiv. therapy.

But now I have to take medfs for high cholesterol & blood pressure & blood sugar is testing in the diabetic range. So have been off Abilify for 6 mos. or so (w/provider’s agreement for me to try this as DBT seems to be helping me so much), lowering Lamictal–had to up it a couple mos. ago due to severe anxiety (was on 300 mg for about 12 yrs.; then dropped to 200 mg; then to 100 mg for about 8 mos. but due to some symptoms appearing have agreed to follow her recommendation to increase Lamictal for a couple mos. & add back Trazodone as sleeping is not doing well).

BUT I have added a lot to my husband’s life. I am a person of value–loyal, loving, entertaining (in an off the wall kind of way!), excellent mother (at least to the best of my ability & took parenting classes, read books, etc. to do the best I could as I love my children so & they are thriving–law prof. & civil engineer).

My husband consoles me when I am depressed (he doesn’t like my over sensitivity but DBT is helping me learn to have better attitudes & behaviors & I’m not doing rash behaviors like suicide attmepts), but I am the first to say if you are so MISERABLE & there is nothing positive in your marriage–you shouldn’t suffer so. GET OUT!! Divorce the partner w/the mental illness. You deserve some joy in your life, too.

We actually DO have some joy & my husband is amazing in that sometimes I will apologize about some bad behavior I did or comments due to being “triggered” & he will not remember the incident!! I was amazed & he just said he prefers to concentrate on the positive (His glass is at least 3/4 full), not dwell on the hard times. He expresses his love & commitment to me even though I have a hard time accepting it.

To you miserable spouses who have posted, I would definitely talk to a therapist who knows about the disorder & help YOU figure out what you want out of your life. Again, I don’t think you should be saddled w/the misery you are describing.

All my best to you…

Don’t be a martyr. If your life is so unfortunate & untenable, GET OUT!! You are not helping your “sick” spouse with your enduring being married & having such a negative attitude (I don’t blame you for that attitude from the circumstances you describe). At some point you need to decide am I helping? Am I in too much pain? Is it an impossible situation?

AMY-

I am the male husband of a “bipolar” wife. She often says extremely hurtful things, and sometimes becomes violent. The psychs and the system don’t care.

However, in your case, the system is nuclear-powered to deal with violent men.

You don’t have to put up with it.

Eventually, the guy is going to attract the attention of Childrens Protective Services and THEY ARE GOING TO BLAME YOU for allowing the children to even see his violence.

CPS is not your friend. There is a world of hell down the road for you.

Do a web search for FIGHT CPS and learn how to protect your children from being kidnapped and sold by CPS for the Federal Funding Streams.

Well, since this is at Psych Central, perhaps the message will get out to the psychs to LISTEN TO THE MARRIED PARTNER.

In any other setting, the abusive behaviors would be INTOLERABLE. But just because they are “mentally ill” they get some sort of “politically correct” protection.

The truth is, we live in a schizophrenic society that is disintegrating back to the Stone Age and the government employees and their contractors who are supposed to be HELPING, are NOT.

It’s like they are playing a game.

Well?? Are they?

hi, new here, just read almost all the comments from both sides, oh my god…. i have just recently been diagnosed with BPD after 14 years of being treated for depression and anxiety. have been depressed since i was about 10-12 also. my major turning point that i think sent me into full BP was the death of my first child at birth, the PTSD was horrible too. doesnt help being married to a woman who is unable to understand emotions and mental illness.
granted, she has her faults and all, but my god, i can see some of myself in the descriptions of the spouses with the BP. i do the whole spending,gotta have that thing, in secret. also, the depressive episodes are truely gruesome to have to go thru. now i have a new found guilt for what i’ve done to my wife and two children. but hopefully this will make me keep a better control over those “Bad Angels of Our Nature”. Thanks to all, ive sent this link to my wife too. — Eric

Wow! Unbelievable comments!
Charlie, Work on yourself. I too, am in the process of repairing my self esttem , financial ruin, and the slow healing, that a bipolar manic has left our lives in. He was manic for 6 months. Lost his job, involved with women, ruined my self image, tried to get me fired from my job. They will stop at nothing to destroy the person who is most loyal and accepting of their situiation.
I have to legally extricate myself from this man with divorce so that he can never hurt me and my children again.
Love has nothing to do with it. I cannot allow a man to ever hold that power over me again.
I am rebuilding one step at a time, with the help of friends and loving family.
I know who I am, and I will eventually find her again.
Take the time you need, to recover from a situation that can be likened to post traumatic stress.
This is such a devastating disease. I am trying to get a plan in place, with my attorney, so that if he ever gets off his meds, and rides that crazy wave of mania again, my 18 year old daughter can take the medical reigns of guardianship and take control.
All families need to have a voice before our lives are devastated. Good luck everyone who loves a bipolar!

I feel like a weight has been lifted! After reading all of these comments i dont feel so alone! My husband is Bipolar but refuses treatment of any kind. He is very verbally abusive towards me during his anger phases. Somedays i feel like such a moron. I want so bad to argue back with him but i feel like it just is going to make a bad situation worse so i just take it. My husband is a wonderful man but his lows are extremely difficult. His main trigger is work (he is stressed at work) and when he gets stressed he gets irritable, angry, feels like everyone hates him, and is just HORRIBLE! We have been married for about 5 years now and for the most part it is wonderful but on the “low” days/weeks i feel like running awaY!!

well, i was recently married about 5 months ago.and every since we got married it has been hell.i believe that my husband is bipolor and i do not know how much more of this i can take before i decide to leave him….he is so hateful.i dont understand this.its like he is ok nice sweet loving and then at the flip he is the worst person in the world…he is always hurting me emotionaly.saying horrible things tome..he is always saying that he is going to leave me.and according to him i dont do enough.and everything is my fault.he blames me for not having anything..but he came into this relationship with nothing.now in just 5 months he owns 2 cars…but he dosnt see it that way.he dosnt think his progress isnt good enough…but these are the cars he had to have.he holds it over my head what he has lost in previous marriages.when it has nothing to do with me.he had me quit my job and now all i am is a free loader and a mooch….he blames me for all the wrong things his exs has done to him even tho it is not me who did those things to him…he treats my son like shit.like my son ist allowed to breath talk have snacks and has to live behind the 4 walls in his room like a prisoner..he is always looking for a reason to ground him.this has put me in depression..i just donty know how i can get him help before i cant take anymore and i just leave him..this is def a nightmare..its klike he is imature and dosnt think the way a 36 yr old man should be thinking…he complains that he has to work long hours and its bc he has to pay my bills.which they are rent elec water ect…which has become his bills when we were married.he blames me for the job he has(he is a trucker)but he had this job before we got together…i just dont know what to do anymore we have more bad episodes than we have good ones…i think in the past 5 months he has only held me in bed like 1 time…when before we got married he use to hold me all the time.there is nothing to do to get him to stop blameing me from his past..all i can do is sit and cry and be depressed.i cant handle this anymore.he wont get help to change and be a better man.please help i need to know how i can get him on some medication if he wont do this himself before our marriage is over.

The information contained in this article on creating and maintaining boundaries with mentally ill spouses may help somebody:

http://www.nami.org/Content/Microsites138/NAMI_Fort_Wayne_Indiana/Home128/Information_for_Spouses_and_Partners1/Boundaries.doc

Need some advice I am 38 and have a relationship with a beautiful LADY who has beed told by a few phscs that she has BD now after my devorce a few months later I met this beautiful LADYwe were happy laugh joke and dream togather. 1 and a half years later the “hell” i’ve been through excuseswhy she does not want to visit when she does it lasts 1 or 2 hours here mom does not like me o she is 35 my GF has a 4year old daughter and me andher child are so close when the going is good it is good but when it is bad it is bad i’m new to this and don’t want to give this up she telles me she does not know what she want yet she does not want to end this cause she does not want to loose me yet she does not want me to drive home with her at night after work at night i am a parramedic and i just follow her cause we live close and i worry about her she said she wants indapendents always an excuse HELP all i want is for her to be the happiest Lady in the world. my email is jasoner24@mtnloaded.co.za

I have been married 25 years and became noticeably ill and finally diagnosed with bp at age 43. I suffered depressions that I functioned through since about age 12. When the mania showed up no one recognized it. Although I had been through numerous physical separations from my husband because of his military service, it had never occurred to me to be unfaithful. At 43, I became involved with a man half my age over the internet, it was ended by my husband after 8 months. At which point I had my fourth episode for the year, a major depression that followed the two manias and a depression that occurred inbetween. That was when I got my diagnosis. I know that I said things but couldn’t remember them, that hurt my husband. Its not a split personality but honestly, manic me and depressed me don’t even think like the stable me. Our thoughts and feelings aren’t trustworthy in an episode. Do you know, its hard not to know when to trust your own mind. My husband has stuck it out with me, he loves me even though its not always easy. But on the other hand he’s not an easy man to live with either. He’s a very intense adhd workaholic who does not have discussions but rather lectures. Having an argument is like listening to a lawyer tell his side in at least 3 variations so you ‘get his point’. I have only been suicidal once and admitted myself to the hospital on dr suggestion. When I am manic it comes out hypersexual. Sometimes I wish I spent money cause you can take back a shirt. I’ve been manic 4 times in my life, the first three were before I got my diagnosis. Otherwise I am not mean or violent, I don’t rack up bills or get paranoid. I sleep less and get creative in writing and want sex and sometimes think I want a divorce but I talk to my therapist about all that and she helps me see that as part of the mania. I take my meds religiously because I fear the depression more than anything. I can’t say that my husband is a great help in everything as he still works in another state. He calls often and reminds me to take my meds. Otherwise its up to me to keep up with drs, ther, meds and a support group. Perhaps if it had shown up earlier in our marriage it would have been harder to accept and manage. Personally, I think it was precipitated by my entry into perimenopause. Its well known that in females puberty and childbirth can be triggers, I believe hormones can be a trigger during the change too. I have to say to you folks that are living in violent, angry marriages that its not doing you, your spouse or children any favors by sticking it out. If you can’t get help for yourself and your ill spouse won’t get help then that is a good reason to leave. I don’t think God meant for people to truly suffer in a marriage and to be honest, a relationship like that isn’t truly a marriage other than on paper.