Comments on
What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship?

Recently, Bob posted a story on our original Bipolar Blog called “Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my bipolar wife.” In his story, Bob talks about all he would do for his wife only to feel unappreciated and heartbroken. I don’t know Bob or his wife or their situation. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in anyone’s home. However, I could sort of relate to Bob’s description of how he responded and how he felt.

When you’re in a loving relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder, it’s common to feel frustrated and unappreciated at times. No matter how much you do to show your love, your loved one may not be in a condition to return that love or respond to it in any positive way. The more you do without receiving anything positive in return, the greater the frustration and resentment.

You might start to wonder, “What about me? How long should I have to put up with this?”

176 Comments to
What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship?

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  1. When I was diagnosed with bipolar I didn’t receive the support that I needed at the time from my boyfriend, he was busy with other stuff… I think he doesn’t know either what it is, and besides that we live far away from each other and it’s going to be for a long time that way because I need the support of my family. of course my mood when I talk with him swings a lot but must of all I feel sad, lonely and despair. Don’t know what to do… thank you

    • Hi Dani, You didn’t ask to have bipolar and yes it is a lonely disease even if you are in a group of friends you feel alone and so dishearted..nothing can bring you out of it unless you keep super busy with something you like and stick with it!!The right meds can truly help alot and then some and getting a stubborn mind with your illness for example…if you are feeling that lonely feeling or spinning thoughts train yourself and mind just to even say out loud you aren’t ruining my day piss off and concentrate on something else not the feeling. Takes alot of work but it really can be done. My hubby i have been with since i was 15 we dated alot i never knew he had bipolar since he was 16, he was like anyone else just quiet not loud and goofy like me. When after our 1st baby when i was 17 he had his 1st deep depression. I was so confused. Did i do somthing wrong, was the baby too much stress? He went to his job daily no daily but ignored his son and i and our short lived closeness stopped as did our intimacy times…I feel so lonely and ugly :(You can be different then him show feelings to your partner, be verbally open..i know this illness isn’t fair but you keep seeing your shrink and try to remember what i wrote and you can have a very happy life i promise with some work from you, t.c. Jacie

    • I hope you are in treatment and have some other family support. If not there are support groups every where, just check online or with your Doc. I am bipolar and have been well maintained on my meds for over 20 years. Good luck, get the right meds and stay in treatment until your are level!

    • I have been married 21 years and diagnosised bi-polar for 6. Since the day I was diagnosised, it’s like I fell out of love with my husband. I don’t want to be around him, I don;t want to talk to him, I want no part of him. I don’t understand what has happened. We were so happy for 15yrs and all of a sudden I can not bear to look at hi, I won’t sleep in the same bed with him. I know deep in my heart he is still the same good man I married and we could have the happy marriage back if I would just stop, but I can’t seam to stop my deep resentment of him. It’s almost like I blame him for all that has happened . I want no part of him. Please help me understand this.

      • I know just how you feel. I have been married to a bipolar for 30 years, He is in a swing now and is driving me crazy. I am so over him and really wish I had never met him if, however I love my children. He is really driving me crazy now drinking, talking incesently and being generally obnixious.

      • Abby I understand most people don’t. Ive been with my wife 3years. I’m bi polar and its tough. My mood swings are horrible at times I see it coming but I cant stop it when its building. Like she is always in a excellent mood I sometimes resent it. Our brain chemistry is not like others. I wish I could wake in a great mood I feel like I fake it. I’m a good Christian and try to live that lifestyle but my anger starts again and then my cursing and yelling begin. Wow is it powerful. Then I blame God for it. My meds work most of the time. Plus I’m a recovering addict and that doesn’t help. I love my wife but like you I push her away at times more lately. Shes so mooshy and happy it makes me sick at times. I evny her I wish I could be that way. So abby your not alone so don’t push him away know its the disease not the woman. Try 12step program its not just for addicts it really does help. Please write me we have a lot in common. Adam

      • I know this is hard on you . And on the other hand it is equally or harder on your hubby. It is as equally unfair to him as is to u. Bad behavior on your end is not classified as bipolar it is bad behavior as is with everyone. So if how u r treating your hubby is wrong and u know it then confess to him u know it is wrong and u want it to change but need help. Recognize his hurt from your behavior confess your wrong. Remember people don’t heal until they take responsibility for there actions no matter how u feel! feelings will not get you where u want to go , behavior will! Don’t let this disease take your marriage . I challenge u this day to come out of deception!

  2. I was in a 3-year relationship with a man I loved deeply. He had a history of depression which I knew about before we started dating and he told me about 8 months into our relationship that he could feel a depressive episode starting. Because he didn’t have heath coverage, it was difficult to get him to seek a psychiatrist and start to take anti-depressants. However, he did so because I was so afraid for him given that he was having suicidal ideations.

    When he began taking antidepressants we were both optimistic. He had been consumed by depression for 2 years and I had waited to get the man I loved deeply back as a full partner in my life. We had been talking about getting married prior to his depression, and I really wanted to return to a healthy relationship where we could continue that discussion.

    The antidepressant made an immediate and dramatic change in his mood and behavior. Even he noticed how much better he felt on just the half dosage. By the time he reached the full dose, he had energy – tons and tons of energy! He spent 8-10 hours a day cleaning – cleaning the house, cleaning the yard, cleaning his car. He even washed the walls! He didn’t have a job – because his depression had consumed him so much that he was unable to work – but he didn’t look for a job. He said, “I know I should be worried about money, but I’m not. I feel good for a change, and I just want to enjoy this for a while.”

    His behavior didn’t make sense. But, at the same time, he had been so depressed for so long, the change was welcome. I had him back, in my life, responsive, awake, active, communicative. If he was enjoying this time of enhanced mood, I was, too. Things would settle down soon, and normalize – or so I thought.

    I had no idea what I was seeing was a danger sign. Because I was not a family member, I was cut off from accessing his medical records or communicating with his psychiatrist. I had not been included in the treatment plan. In truth, I didn’t think it was necessary until things really got out of hand.

    Our relationship ended in the worst possible way. He cheated on me with someone he barely knew and caught herpes from her. He believed he would be marrying this girl whom he barely knew. He stopped paying his rent so that he could spend money on her. He borrowed money from friends and family since he still wasn’t working. He believed that a friend would give him money and magically fix all of his money problems.

    The crash came soon after the new relationship began. By then he was no longer a part of my life – I could not be part of his life after the cheating and herpes (which, thankfully, I did not catch from him). But we were in a long, and extremely painful, process of sorting apart our lives which forced me to have some contact with him. Once he told me that his antidepressants had stopped working for him, but recently started to work again, I woke-up.

    I started to do research and found that people with bipolar disorder are often misdiagnosed as having depression and that some antidepressants (including the one he was taking) could trigger mania. It was clear that he was in a manic phase, that his life was out of control, that he was seriously damaging his heath, his relationships, and his finances. When I found out that he was 2 months behind on his rent, I felt I had no choice but to contact his family.

    I told his family about his new relationship, about the herpes, about his irresponsible spending behaviors. I also told them that he and I had been talking about getting married before his depression began – something that they did not know since we hadn’t finalized any plans before his depression hit. I knew better than anyone what he had thrown away in this new relationship with the girl who gave him herpes, and I knew that all the things he was thinking about his life – that he would marry this new girl, that he had no reason to worry about money, that something would just magically happen to make everything okay – were all part of the mania caused by the antidepressant. I had been there with him when he started taking the drug. I could report to his family the immediate mood change, the hyper activity, the cleaning, the talking, the inflated optimism, etc. I thought surly, with the new relationship, the herpes, and his not paying his rent, they would listen to me and help him get the right treatment.

    Sadly, they did not. His family rejected me. I am not sure that they ever believed anything I reported to them. They did believe him when he told them he was planning to get married, and they didn’t want to appear to not support his new relationship. As his Mom said to me, “He is happy now, and you just need to accept that you didn’t make him happy.” It was crushing. It is 3 years later and it is still crushing – I am crying now as I write this.

    Needless to say, the relationship burned out as quickly as it began. He found himself unemployed and broke. He was kicked out of his apartment. He moved back home to live with his family. He had been unemployed for 3 years, and in this economy, the best he’s been able to do is to find a part-time job that doesn’t pay enough for him to move out of his family’s home.

    I got a text from him the recently. “I miss you.” I had to tell him that we are not friends. We can never be friends. I wanted to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. But, I cannot and will not return to a relationship or friendship with him. I am not sure how much of that is because he is bipolar, or how much is because he cheated, or how much is because he now has herpes, or how much is because of how his family treated me. As I see it, all of those things are part of the same illness.

    He still doesn’t recognize that he has bipolar disorder; he thinks his medication works and doesn’t work sometimes. He simply doesn’t report his mood swings to his psychiatrist – whom he sees every couple months for a refill. He doesn’t see a counselor. But, in truth, those are not the biggest problems for me when I think of a possible friendship with him.

    The biggest problem – the one that will always prevent me from being a friend – is that I know he will tell me the truth, I will hear the pain, I will see the danger signs, and I have no way to help him, or safety net for myself. Since I am not family, I cannot be part of a treatment “team.” And his family has shown me all too clearly what side they will take if he ever gets so sick again that he is destroying his life. I can handle him telling me that I’ve “destroyed his life” – I know he was sick and couldn’t think right when he’s said that to me. But, I can’t handle his family refusing to listen to me when I tell them that he needs help.

    As I said, it’s been 3 years. I am still crushed by all that happened between us. He has not gotten healthy enough to be able to talk to me – just a few text messages and some emails over the past 3 years. He has not apologized for the things that he did – although he has admitted that he doesn’t remember many things that he did or said, so he can’t apologize for much of the most hurtful things he did to me.

    All I can do is look back and know that I did what was necessary to help him – even if telling his family hurt me more than he will ever know. He has lived with them for 2 years. He is in an environment where he is supported, where most of his anxiety is reduced, where he is safe. And, I know, regardless of what his family said to me, that they did listen to me; that they know I was right; that they were prepared to help him when his life crumbled.

    That is all I have from a relationship I wanted for the rest of my life – to know that I did what I had to do to keep him safe. It’s not a lot. But, it is something.

    • i completly understand the emotional trauma you are going through. about 4 years ago I met a lady I thought was the answer to my prayers. she was a lady and seemed like a great person and mom. myself being a single father of two girls aged 8 and 12 thought this person could really add something I might be missing. the relationship grew and I feel deeply very deep in love with this person. I rememberbring at her home and she said she had been taking medication for years to take the edge off and she didn’t need it. this was clue one. it was a mild anti depressant that her father and M.D. had prescribed and that he himself was self medicating for this ailment since it was heredity and he played it down. this was clue two. months passed and we did get married and I was incrediably happy, but noticing a change in more aggresssive behavior toward my kids from my wife. about this time I heard from my wife that her grandmother on her fathers side was mean all her life and she loved her grandfather and wondered why he put up with her since she was down right cruel to him. he finally passed away and she told mesh enacted her grandmother because of the way she treated her grandfather. this was clue three. Soon after I lost my job and money was tight, this was the begging of the end. she had been working at the same place where we met, and remember off her mess. About a year had passed and she was brought up on charges of employee abusive contact,she was a manager, and misappropriation of funds. at home the aggressiveness was now abusive behavior toward my girls. she stopped giving them toothpaste toilet paper and feline products because they used to much. she also was cussing them out and myself daily about eating to much food and crumbles left on the counter top that you would need an electron microscope to see. she lost her job and started applying for work but nothing . meanwhile I was ding the same, but I handle all the domestic duties such as picking up ala the kids from school transporting them their activities, cooking all meals cleaning the house and taking care of the bills.we still continued date night. she laned a sales job commission only with new York life. I told her this going to be tough she said I can do it and she was so impressed by all th cars fancy office spaces and men in suits. she started and the hours become longer and longer. eventually she stopped coming home. meanwhile all the problems we had where my fault and my kids 100%. She ended up getting a boyfriend and th irrational behavior escalaed to point of absurdity. Example, my oldest daughter is graduating with a 4.6 gap and going to Princeton on full ride academic scholarship, she was pissed because her son could decide at 20 where he was going and.hewas her families golden child. it gets better, so then she proceeds to file for divorce lie to get a restraint order against me and my kids having all of thrown out with no where and no money to go. the neighbors took the girls in but islept in mycar for three days until someone said I could sleep on the floor for the next three weeks. I could see my kids for three weeks because I had to stay 100yards away, all because she lied to judge. at the trial she then said my oldest daughter was shooting up heroin and smoking pot in the house. The judge asked how that is possible since she was going to Princeton and she works at grocery store where they do drug testing? my wife yelled I have proof, what is it the judge asked she told me my wife said shehasfinancial wiped us out, she is non accountable and abusive to all she loves.she moved out to a place I don’t know where and for the first time there is peace and quiet in this home. do I miss her yes. the hardest thing to cope with is the reality that she undiagnosed, unmedicated bipolar and her father the doctor is adding to the problem. my other hurt is knowing show will be back and I will have to stand tall for my girls and look her in the eye and say NO, you are not welcome back here. I still love her but the demon inside is more than my family can bear.

      • Once again ever wonder why always on a bipolor website amazing Princeton really? Like the story of USC and and had a PHD, just like praying on people when their mother is dying of cancer.

    • Kat,
      Thanks for your posting and I am sorry of your pain. I have recently been dating a Man that I really enjoyed and to have kind of known him for the past 7 years was shocked to know he is bi polar. He just went through his second time of depression and shutting me out completely and would not accept any of my attempts to contact him. After he finally answered my call i was able to get out of him that he knew he couldn’t ever give my Daughter and I what we needed and was breaking it off. He has known he has had some type of depression and possible bi polar, but for the past 13 years has done nothing for treatment. He too has no health insurance and no motivation to getting medication. After reading your posting i Realized that as bad as it hurts I know I need to let him go and give up all hope. This is a sad disease and I do believe from all I have researched that your boyfriend is bi polar. Thanks again for sharing.


    • WOW I must say that if I didn’t know better I would have thought I actually posted that blog myself. With the exception of me being in a gay relationship & not a str8 one and my man also suffering as an alcoholic the circumstances you have described are identical.

      I never understood how my partner could one day love me so much and the next hate me!, but yet I was the same person as the previous day. I feel as though I have done and tried so very much with him, I cook, clean, go to work, pay the bills, am the social organizer of the relationship, renovated his house for him (as it was an absolute dump btw), helped him re-establish contact with his children (yes both of us were married once) and also with some members of his family – he was ostracized by them – like you I have tried to get them to help me with his condition, but have recently discovered they rubbish me behind my back and likewise I think his mom is the same as him as she has severe alcohol problems and in front of me is extremely disparaging about all her son’s and daughters in-laws. Also like you my man doesn’t work – as he is either too depressed or too hung over to do anything – Also like you he has cheated on me more times than he thinks I actually know about – ATM in the next day or so he will be entering REHAB as his alcohol problem has once again hit a extreme point once again. As a gay couple I have no legal rights so i am not able to talk to even talk to his psychiatrist. i have had in my mind for sometime that my partner is disguising the extent of disorder and is only diagnosed with Anxiety disorder, but after reading about Bipolar and Alcoholism being co existent, I really feel he has been misdiagnosed, but am helpless to even have it assessed. I’m living in hope that after rehab, as he will also be prescribed Baclofen to assist with his drinking issues, that things will improve in our relationship, I guess if it doesn’t change I wont have a choice but to walk away – seems from what I read here it only ever ends up that way, which is extremely disappointing to me personally – But thanks for your experience, made me feel a lil better about myself if only just for a brief while

    • This story is sad. Sounds like mine. My bipolar ex is 51 and his 69 yr old sister lives next door to him.I lived there for awhile and would try to remain calm so I would talk to her. She would confirm his anger and actions and tell me he was like that with her and in previous relationships. She would offer to come over so we could chat. The minute she was in his presence, she would flip a switch and tell me if I would shut the f-up, then everything would be fine. He would sit there and watch her. She would tell me that she understands why he is rude and violent because I irritate her too! She said I was the problem and we should end our relationship because it wasn’t going to work. WOW. I made a plan and moved away. I realized I couldn’t be abused by both of them. He came and met me for 2 wks but ran back when he started to cycle-the doctor forgot to send his meds. There is soooooo much here to tell you,I can’t begin. I started reading forums online-no access to a computer when I was staying with him, anyhow I google everything, always have. What I found out…Bipolar is genetic AND I now realize his sister is too…families will feed off eachother!!!! It all makes sense now. Unless he gets away from her, he will never get better. Neither will she! He is on meds since May, but the doctor does not practice properly. Just mails his presciptions but no therapy. I don’t even believe he is on the right meds. My ex has no insurance so that is that! Plus he is in denial. His sister believes that his meds are fine, he just needs to work and I am too demanding in our relationship, she says that she doesn’t expect things from her husband-whose previous wife committed suicide because she was mentally ill-hum. In confidence, I had told her that we weren’t having sex and her reply “well if you are that horny, then just go out and get someone and he will never know!” My mouth went open-what!!! I am not wrong to want sex with my boyfriend-3 times in 7 months is not ok!!! . Needless to say….my heart is broken. This was the most abusive relationship EVER. I could go on and on. I am trying to figure this all out. My brain is exhausted. PLUS his roller coaster ride has left me homeless and jobless. I spent my time worried about him instead of myself. I am so ashamed. I was a very independent person before he came along. Single parent for 19 years-raised a good kid and did it all on my own. My friends say he caught me at a horrible time. Empty nest-menopause-and changing jobs. I am devastated. He knows he needs help-but isn’t willing to leave the comfort of his sister-who by the way pays for everything, complains later that she spends so much money on him, but pops right up to pay-she over spends as well-bipolar….

    • Hello , as I read your story, I felt so very sad. I am in the same situation but was married for 16 years. The big difference is that she never admitted in the beginning of our relationship , her parents were in such denial that even when she started on medicine , her father said your fine, this was after 3 stints in phych hospitals.and for so many years we went through such emotional highs and lows. She was mostly manic and when depressed would withdrawal . I thought it was a mid life crisis and gave her space. We have two great kids, 15 and 13 and they have seen me go through and tolerate so much pain. I realize now that I have been in a abusive relationship. I hope that you feel fortunate, that you got away, so often people that are bi polar are so charming, so much fun, so enticing that healthy people can’t see the other side of them. My wife cheated on me, declaired love with a 22 year old homeless kid and financially has crippled our family. Consider yourself SO fortunate that you were the one that got away . I wish you all the happiness.

    • Your story is almost identical to my story…my husband is bipolar, everything started sudenly last year; he is undiagnosed and this year in February left me; since June he is in a relationship with a person I considered our family friend. But the pain I received exactly like you, from his family, not believing me when I told them what happened….my mother in law that told me “now, that he has a new relationship, he may be more calm and ok … suggesting that our relation was not good for him. After 13 yearsof HAPPY MARIAGGE….I was exactly like you said: CRUSHED. I am still in this hell as I am still married to him, I have no power to divorce. Can anyone tell me: if bipolar is an emotional disorder, HOW on earth he can start another love relation? does he love that woman? after 13 years of happy mariagge can he get involve and be happy as quickly with another woman, about which I know he didn’t like her, he founded her unattracted as a woman…?)How long can last this kind of relation?

    • hi there,

      i’m sorry to hear your story, but i would like to ask when he was feeling down, what did you do,my gf has a minor case of bipolar, but i dont want to annoy her more, so hows best to act with her when she has an episode? i dont live with her but see her 5 times a week, when shes is in a mood is it best to leave her to it? or try and comfort her?

      • what’s best is to ask HER! its an illness not a retardation… just dont ask her while she is in an episode, depressed or manic of any sort. sit down with her while you find her level headed and ask her to help you help her. its a team effort IF you want to be in a relationship.

    • This is so touching. I have bipolar 2, my wife of 3 months has…something. it is unclear. She has a family history on the XX side of borderline, and she fits many criteria, but she has not been diagnosed, and I am not a doctor.

      I am bipolar2, but I am very high functioning and in fact never had a hypomanic episode until A’s drug addiction came to full light.

      We married , despite the obvious challeneges, because she said she wanted to get clean and also because she was diagnosed with a very dangerous cholesterol condition (she has the blood of an 80 year old unhealthy man as a 26 year old woman).

      Anyway, she has suddenly cut all ties with me, her mother and sister, and has gone to a different state to work as a bartender in a strip club. I was willing to take her back, bt I would not support her recent choices, and she has called me a pathetic excuse for a man and vowed to never return.

      I did love her deary, and all the more so since I watched her and helped her try to be healthy, but now she is gone and has no one to help her, and I am very afraid where she will be in 3 years, 4 classes away from her degree and in the environment she has chosen, as an addicted person.

      I cannot take her back now, and probably cannot be her friend. Thank you for sharing your story, and lets hope we all find the happy lives that are out there for us.

    • Wow!! I so relate! 6 years in the relationship with someone and I know see all the signs! We were due to be married but he’s no longer in love with me because he is in love with god!!! Past substance abuse issues masked all of the symptoms! Blasting music all day long even at 6 am driving like a complete idiot! Family members being concerned! Daughters moving out! I am the last one standing because of my heart! At first I thought it was me and maybe I didn’t understand the whole god thing! It’s become very delusional thoughts about god like he works for him on Facebook saving souls and god talks to him all day! He would never see that anything is wrong please I’m at a loss for words!!

      • I’m in the same boat as you, this site has been an eye opener! We were recently engaged, but now that my partner is manic, I’m no longer the girl he prayed for, I’m suddenly selfish, a liar, I break promises & I never listen to him. It’s like what the way he views me is actually what he’s doing to everyone. His faith has gone to the point that it’s extremist & very off beat. He “prophecies” all day, is totally connected with God & saving souls, getting ready for the end of the world. He considers his faith to be far more advanced then mine is suddenly. In his delusion he thinks its ok to ditch his family to do God’s work.

        I understand your pain. I too am heartbroken. We have 3 children between us & when he is well, he is a normal, kind, gentle, loving & involved father. He is potentially throwing all this away because of his refusal to be treated by professionals (he is currently in a ward)

      • Feeling Heartbroken,
        I have had a similar experience with my BF. I would love to talk to you to share stories and see where he is at now in the situation. How are you doing?

  3. Reading a popular layman’s book on Bipolar, the Author advises his Bipolar Patients to ‘separate’. He was of the opinion that most Bipolar Sufferers marry an abusive Spouse.

    Interesting opinion, one I hold true for myself. What I find so interesting, we choose relationships of what we are accustomed. Bipolar is cross-generational.

    Upon being diagnosed, I traced back past relationships. All had bipolar in the family. My siblings also attracted relationships with mental illness in the family.

  4. Reading on this site makes me think. I am Bipolar since 2005. I was married and divorced but the issue was not my diagnoses.

    I have gone through many episodes and the one thing I experience is a person that continues to do things for me but in a real controling way. The issue is I need a job and do not have a car. I presently live with a friend and want to get my own place. I feel out of control and know the only thing for me to do is move.

    The individual where I stay wants me to stay on here, but it is not a healthy situation. Having the Bipolar and worrying about down the road makes it really tuff. I just want to be myself and independent. I do not like for others to make my life feel like I am strapped.

  5. Do bipolar people often self-sabotage? My bf was diagnosed as bipolar and throughout our relationship, he has broke up with me repeatedly only to change his mind a few days or weeks later. He did it again recently, and it cost us the apartment we had just rented. It is hard for me to understand what is bipolar and what is him. After he ended the relationship this time, he stopped seeing his therapist which made me think he is unstable. But there are times I doubt that he will snap out of it. Does anyone have any experience with a bipolar relationship similar to this? Where the bipolar person sabotages a good thing?

    • Not sure if you are still in this relationship, but this is the 1st time I have looked at this Forum today, I am in love with a man who I have been with for almost a year, and yes, I could swear he sabotages our relationship from almost the very beginning. He will pick fights with me, and if he can’t find anything to argue about, he will make up something. I am so heartbroken. Other times, he’s the most wonderful man I have ever been with. He continually breaks up with me, texts me constantly with abusive words, then about a week later, will either call or text me with apologies. It is the biggest roller coaster ride I have ever seen. I know I should not see him anymore, but it is very hard. He takes medications for diabetes, but I have not actually looked at all of his meds. Not sure if he is taking Lithium or what.

      • sounds like he might have BPD (borderline personality disorder)…there’s a really fascinating website with tons of articles about the condition so if you’re still with this dude & want to learn about it check out & go to articles.cheers

    • We bipolar people enter very strong denial depending on where we are in treatment. I was diagnosed in 1985 and went through several serious periods of denial. I was lucky to have family who never gave up on me. I am well controlled on my medication and now would never stop taking it. So to answer your question more directly it is not self sabotage we just do not want to accept our condition and the fact we have to take meds the rest of our lives. It is another way of losing control of your life. I did end up going through a divorce at the time of my diagnosis. I have been married now for over 25 years to a husband who understands and supports me.

    • I do the same thing to my whole family.

    • Yes…self sabotage is a great description for it. It is like a self defense mechanism or something. They want to avoid the pain of possibly being “found out” and dumped because of their behaviors. They seem to see things are going well and manufacture a drama so that the relationship comes to a halt. I fell very deeply in love with a man recently who is too arrogant to realize (I think) that he has the disorder. Deep down he knows though….has difficulty with all his relationships. Lashes out and criticizes co workers and anyone else he can think of. They are SO charming in the beginning, “the perfect mate” and then the “demon” comes out. It is scary stuff. I love him, but 2 months in I am seeing the signs and trying to ween myself off the person that I thought he was. Good luck to us all.

  6. Confused, I was in one like that. I think maybe we CAN do that, but it’s hard to say. I think we do this because perhaps we don’t know how to handle fights. Eventually, hopefully one learns to stop this behavior, whether on our own or when we’re with the right person, even if it still takes time with that person. It is hard for a partner, though, if the patient does not want treatment – in that case I can understand having to leave. Otherwise, I’m biased, haha, and want lovers to stay and see it out because I do believe it gets better. Maybe not with all but there are success stories, and I have become lucky in love after all (not career, haha). I think your BF needs to keep trying to find the right medications. Good luck.

  7. BTW, I have bipolar but I believe I always show love. I can be a little self-focused financially since I used to have so much more money than now and it’s so hard to have so little when I used to buy nice things (more), but I shower my honey with affection, I think always. He just gets frustrated when I’m depressed because he’s always trying to make me happy. I tell him I’m always happy WITH HIM, but I get depressed sometimes, it’s my illness, nothing is wrong with him. Well, I think it’s a discussion we’ll have for a while.

  8. Confused, my situation seems exactly the same as yours- and I wonder if self-sabotaging is the way to explain it. My boyfriend has not been “diagnosed” as BP, but I suspect it through my own research. Within minutes of being hopeful and loving, he will turn to want to disappear from the face of the earth. Sometimes it is an hour, sometimes it is a week. He is always regretful for the things he says, but seems to need to be in a position of total control when the episode is happening. He blocks incoming phone calls and emails but then insists on texting and calling to leave messages. I don’t know how to get him to get help, because I know this isn’t “him”. It has started since being in rehab for prescription drugs and alcohol, and I suspect by cutting out these methods of masking all the other symptoms, he absolutely doesn’t have a clue how to deal with them. I’m afraid for his safety, he has cut out his family and his children, and I’m the last one before he leaves on a motorcycle to “start a new life”.

    How to get him help when he doesn’t want it? Scary…..

  9. I was with a man for 16 years and I stood by him through the most difficult times of his life. Than I started having alot of problems and didn’t know why. The shopping sprees, moods, fighting, crying. He ended up walking out. He was very controlling when he left I was devastated, I wouldn’t leave my room, eat did nothing but sleep and drink until I would either have a major episode or pass out. Than the voices oh God the voices and I would talk back and the hallucinations and I just wanted to die that’s all I could think about was dying but I have 3 kids and I couldn’t hurt them. I was so bad my daughter was scared to walk into the house cause she wasn’t sure if she would find me dead. She ended up having me admitted. She was 17 years old and they wouldn’t release me without her permission or the doctor’s. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. I still have problems but not nearly as bad. I think I need a med adjustment because I have been on the same ones for 2 years.

  10. I am in a relationship with a woman who has bipolar disorder, but I did not find out until a couple of weeks ago when she started to suffer from symptoms. We’ve been dating for a year and a half, and have known each other for seven. During that time, she has never told me she even has the disorder, nor has she suffered any episodes (that I know of). I know this is not her first time having symptoms because according to her family, she had manic/depressive symptoms about a decade ago. I realize that bpd is genetic and she can’t control her moods, but I can’t help but feel shocked and deceived by the fact that she did not tell me about her disorder. This makes it difficult for me to even stay with her. I still love her, but the thought of maintaining a relationship is troubling if she is going to continue to be secretive about this. I’m just going to wait and see how she acts after she recovers.

  11. Just ended a4 month relationship with a man that sabotaged our relationship. His black and white thinking, and controlling active lifestyles never made sense to me. He would do things on impulse and go into a depressed state. I gave so much emotional support. It was like dating an emotional vampire. I neger understood this, but after doing research and matching many symptoms. Its obvious it is BPD and some mania and depressed symptons. He ended our relationship over night over nothing, and I was left with no answers. It is so heartbreaking because I know at the end of the day he is just ill.

    • Its so hard and unstable, sometimes no matter what you do, it isnt enough..All I can do is my best and know that it may or may not work out..I have chosen to live my life anyway…to try and be happy take care of myself and enjoy time with the kids anyway…

  12. I have been in a relationship for over 5 years with a guy that I believe is bipolar. We recently broke up a few weeks ago. He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, which was a complete shock to me. I even found out later that he was planning to propose by Christmas.
    I have just talked to him since we broke up, and he told me he started to go to counseling and in his last session the counselor brought up that he might be bipolar.
    After he told me this everything seemed to make sense. In the beginning of our relationship I went through similar experiences (or cycles) where he would break up with me, act crazy, get depressed and then want to get back together with me. Even, his mother has told me about depression cycles he had when he was younger. Also, he has been on medication for depression and anxiety since he was a teen, and as child was diagnosed with ADHD.
    However, as of now, he still claims he’s not in love with me and now says he never was. I’m hurt and confused by his comments. I know what he says, but I don’t think it’s how he truly feels.
    For the past 4 years, we’ve had a great relationship. We wanted the same things out of life. We’ve always been completely honest with each other. And, he’s normally a loving and caring guy.
    He isn’t seeing anyone else, and said he had no desire to do so.
    I don’t understand how it came to this. It’s like he is someone else. He suddenly became extremely selfish and delusional. I have tried to understand and reason with him, but it only pushes him away. This is not him!
    I love him with all my heart and want him to work out his issues. I believe we could still be happy together with help, and I’m willing to do what it takes. But, I don’t know what to do. Should I try to support him during this time? Or, do I let him go?

    • Re : I am in the same situation, I have been in a marriage for many years, and she became a different person, I even wrote a song about it called “there is a stranger in my house” I allowed her back after a 4 day hypomanic sexcapade, . She admitted herself into a hospital and got on medicine.
      I held onto what used to be for a long time, but honestly, her feelings are gone and I can not waste any more time hoping that they will return. She is now a cold fish.
      If I did not know different I would say she is in love with someone else. She is now numb though and I have to be away from her because I still am in love with the life we had . I will move on and next time, I will really find out more about family history , before I get to involved .. Good luck

      • I have been married to a Bipolar sufferer for over thirty years we r now both in our sities, she is older than me. For the last 8 years she will not allow any physical contact between us. Our marriage has been difficult at times as she is now never really close to me . I am convinced Bipolar does not just destroy the person who has it but also destroys all relationships eventually. It is so sad and so very cruel sometimes more so on the partner than the sufferer . I will not leave my wife now but being with her has destroyed my life .. I am also convinced most mental health professionals try hard but they really do not have the time or knowledge to really help beat this disease.
        Bipolar is not called the sad illness without good reason.

  13. My story is similiar to Kathrynanne. I’ve been out of my relationship for almost a year. The thought of its demise is equally heartwrenching. I had a wonderful relationship with my b/f. We had any normal relationship issues, but we worked them out with good communication. He had issues with depression as well. Mental illness runs in his family. It was clear that his father suffered from untreated BP and it resulted in his suicide. My ex exhibited many BP characteristics that I see now after the fact, but sadly, its too late. During the realtionship, he complained about feeling depressed. I innocently suggested he try a mild antidepressant to help him “take the edge off.” Big mistake. Looking back, I saw the build-up to mania, but I didn’t know what it was. He had just proposed to me and only 3 weeks later, he clearly alternated between a hypomanic /manic state for 3 months. The episode had a quick take off, happening within 5 days. Drinking to excess, lying all the time, spending money he didn’t have on expensive clothes. Spending hundreds of dollars at the bar on strangers. He was already in severe financial strain. Verbal abuse. Swearing at me. Racing thoughts. Irrational thoughts. Thoughts jumping from one thing to another. I couldn’t keep track. Very bizzare behavior. Extreme up & down moods. Uncontrollable anger, for instance, screaming at me for taking a quarter off the counter. Lying to his family about money & me. Painting this horrible picture of me which was simply not true. Lying to me about money. He was like a different person. So smug. Cruel & vicious. I had never experienced anything like it. It was like I was living with a different person that changed back and forth over time. I thought for sure he had a drinking/drug problem. The strange thing was that he had periods of normal, lucid behavior. I consulted with his mother and told her what was going on. She thought it was a drinking problem, too. Later, I find out he had been cheating and propositioning many other women during our entire engagement. I found all of this out after my discovery of his many sex profiles on very inappropriate sex sites, some crossed-gendered. It was unreal. I confronted him. The break-up was like a neutron bomb. The lies and betrayals never seemed to stop. I was shocked to see everything I thought was real to have never existed. I had been going through the motions thinking we should be planning the future when I was bombarded with all of his lies and betrayals all within the span of hours in one night. To this day I can liken it to someone taking an ax and chopping off his head, it was just so sudden & heartbreaking. In one moment he, our relationship, our future & our life together was gone. I had to go to a psychologist to deal with the trauma. After explaining all his behaviors, the timeline, his family’s mental health history, etc., the psych said it was BP with no doubt. Triggers to his mania include the antidepressant, engagement and making future plans. I told his family about what I discovered. However, I don’t know how seriously that they took it. Their thought was that “he just wasn’t ready to get married and he wasn’t grown-up up enough to handle things. I wasn’t the right person for him. I didn’t make him happy and was too controlling.” The sad thing is that this pattern will be repeated. I don’t think that they are not going to encourage him to get help. His mania is fed/encouraged by his co-workers, some family members, and additionally enabled by them. The whole situation is so upsetting, even now. I truly feel that my finace died. I lost him to a mental illness.

    • So sorry for your heartbreak and pain. The trauma is indescribable. Hope you are moving on and in a healthy relationship now. I am scared this will effect me for quite some time. How can you really trust anyone until you have known them at least a year? Now anyone I date will be “guilty until proven NON BP” lol. I never want to experience this nightmare again.

      • HI
        I am going through this now and it is devestating. I just got dumped before the holidays and although he is not responding, I feel that he wants to stay in touch so I am trying to give him space and I will reach out later in a few weeks….anyone have suggestions on how to reach out and help without annoying them??? He keeps saying that he is sorry that he did this becuase he knows i care about him and he is sorry that he treated me like that just to break up with me. Now he keeps telling me to move on almost like he is trying to protect me from him.

        Im not sleeping or able to relax. Ive been running and excercising too much so I dont cry. I got irritable at work and got myself fired.

        It is affecting me alot and I just want to know how ling these depressed states go on and if you know a good way to reach back out to them….THANK YOU

  14. Ohh guys.. This is so true.. Your post are so true, I went onto same relationship also.. my ex moves from relationship to relationship, when i first met him, he’s so down and almost like exagerated all the things that’s happening to him, and was like he’s the victim, we’re fine for week one, but after that he showed his true colours, so abusive, so draining, we broke up for almost 20+ times i can’t even count bec. of nonsense thing, he told me before he’s bipolar, but as months pass he kept on lying and lying and i no longer know what to believe he says he has ptsd, bipolar, schizoprenia, or sometimes he thinks he’s psycho or nything.. he loves me now, then when i got pissed he wants me back, then when i start to show him forgiveness he lash out on me again, i feel like im walking on eggshells.. i even gulped so many cruel words his nasty mouth spit on my face, from cunt, to slut, whore, fuck, then he’ll say sorry.. then do it again, blah blah.. whatever.. we even have plans on getting married, but when he got his work, guess he’s been lured by his new workmate… i think he cheated on me, and he just suddenly left me without any explanation, he just went with som1 whom he barely knows, i got traumatized, and i wanted to get into psychologist… i don’t even know how to explain to my parents and relatives abt. his sudden disappearance..

  15. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We are currently living together, and I am bipolar. The first time we dated, I broke it off with him because we had problems communicating and he wasn’t assertive enough physically to convince me that he was actually attracted to me. Here’s the fun part – I have no idea how much of that was true, and how much of that was just my illness exaggerating things and making unimportant things important. Eight months later, we got back together, and moved in together five months after that. We have a solid, stable relationship, we communicate well (maybe even over-communicate!), we want the same things in life and have similar goals, and we have a future planned out together.
    Most of the time, this is amazing to me, and I love him. But because of my illness, there are times when this cozy, well-oiled relationship makes me feel claustrophobic in my own skin. I feel stuck, and forced into this relationship that I chose and that most of the time, I love. I have to remind myself that this is good, convince myself that it is working, look at the facts because with my bipolar, I can’t trust my own emotions.
    We’ve talked about breaking up, or just taking a break. Sometimes it makes me feel calmer, entertaining those ideas, and other times it makes me panic. We’re working on developing a plan to finally deal with my disorder – I’ve lost jobs and dropped out of school because of it – but the road will still be long and difficult.
    I just wanted the perspective of a person who is bipolar and in a relationship to be heard on this site. I am very aware of all the work he does just to keep this relationship going. I know what it takes for him to stay up, night after night, with me, comforting me through breakdown after breakdown. I know it’s hard and I can’t believe he hasn’t decided I’m not worth it, already. But even though I know all this, I still can’t flip a switch and turn this thing off. I would do anything to be able to – to be able to trust my gut, to listen to my own heart and be able to tell whether it’s me or my illness speaking… To lift this burden off of his shoulders. We’re working on it. But in the meantime, I’m still plagued with the idea that this is just too much for any one person to ask another person – putting up with this illness. And sometimes I think it would be better for both of us if we did break it off. I would be free of the guilt of hurting him and demanding so much of his energy, and he would be free of me.

    • Hey all,

      I was diagnosed with BP almost 10 years ago. Also, I have temporal lobe epilepsy and this affects my emotions too. I have tried many things to sort myself out, diets, shrinks, medication, more shrinks, and today I am seeing my doctor because I am in the depressive stage. I have held down a job at a large company for almost 8 years. They know about my condition but I don’t think anybody has done any research so they don’t quite understand it.I have tried to commit suicide 4 times in about 4 years. Ended up in ICU, sometimes having my stomach pumped and sometimes just waiting as it’s too late to pump it. It’s just touch and go. I have always attracted alcoholics, cons, cheaters, not sure why. I also became a serial dater because I believed that nobody could love me, that I didn’t deserve it. I used to cut myself, stopped it for many years and did it again about a month ago. Even though I have met a fantastic guy and life seems to be improving. But then the paranoia sets in, I believe he is cheating on me or will, I actually canceled my facebook account because everytime I saw his friends were sexy women I freaked. SO in order to keep my sanity, I figured I should rather get rid of it.

      Guys, living with Bipolar is exhausting. To try and behave “normal” every damn day, to try get out of bed when you just want to hide from the world is draining. Then the mania’s are friggin awesome! But, a lot of damage is done at the same time. I don’t cheat and manipulate, and for that I am grateful, but I do sabotage any relationship as soon as it seems too good to be true. I push the person away yet deep down I am screaming for them to help me. While I am doing this, I know in the back of my mind it is wrong and I am accusing the person unfairly…but it’s like I don’t care. Almost like a runaway train, you can see the edge of the cliff but you don’t slam on the brakes.

      To anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has BP, firstly, if they don’t want to admit it, self medicate, stop taking their meds because they feel great, I am telling you now, walk away. You are slowly killing yourself (yip, said by someone who is Bipolar).

      For someone who is dating someone who does take their meds, sees a doctor etc, be warned, there will still be ups and downs. Just not as bad or as often. We can say the most hurtful things, we can hurt ourselves and you will feel helpless because you love us and hate seeing us hurt.

      You will fall in love with us quickly because most of us are impulsive, which makes an exciting relationship. But after a while that impulsiveness will hurt you.

      I have been in a 2 month relationship with a wonderful man. He understands a little bit of Bipolar, which is more than anyone else had done. I so wish that people would do research into it before judging. I still try sabotaging my relationship with him though although in the back of my mind I am hoping he won’t leave me. I dont’ cheat or anything like that, I just become paranoid that he is cheating on me. I think my past relationships with cheaters hasn’t helped me either. I could go on and on and on.

      I guess what I am saying is this, Bipolar is not something anybody asks for, I wouldn’t even wish it on my ex-husband :-) It takes a very strong person to stay with someone who is struggling with it. But, don’t lose yourselves in the process. And DO NOT stay with someone who is not trying to get help. It would be like farting against thunder. Don’t stay with that person out of compassion. It will kill you. You have to be very strong, well informed. I always told my boyfriend’s upfront that I am bipolar, it’s only fair.

      Hope that somewhere this has helped someone…if I can use this exhausting, mindfcking disease to help just one person…well then my illness won’t be in vain.

      • Hey guys,

        Wow, BP is tough. I am married and deeply in love with my BP2 husband. yeah he can be very mean, abusive, hurtful and sometimes always running… out of fear, and feelings of self pity. Some Times getting trapped in a victim role… but what I’m hearing beneath all the exterior madness… is a person who is traumatized. They can’t get out of their own head, they cant shut up the thoughts that they know are bad… but don’t want to admit their thinking because they know we “un Bipolar” people will JUDGE. We SHOULDN’T JUDGE. We should be compassionate, calm, helpful, not pushy, but encouraging.

        Is it easy to be THAT person? Hell no!! Its tough as F$$K But… with Therapy, communication skills, maybe even medicine, it IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP THAT IS WORTH IT TO YOU. Too many of us now a days give up too quickly and wonder why we never find true love…

        Also, to share some knowledge… Bipolar sufferers in manic (super fast thinking, racing thoughts, insomnia or loss of or no need to sleep, paranoia, trust issues, insecurities, impulsive behaviors) all these things are actions that the BRAIN tells the body to do. Yes, in a fast or Manic state they feel wonderful, but what about the feeling that someone or something is going to take that (Mania) away from them? My husband doesn’t like that, but has had to learn it is unhealthy to feel euphoric all the time.

        Lithium. 2 kinds. The kind that Doctors sell that is totally marketable and causes toxic problems in blood and liver… OR THE ALTERNATIVE! I FOUND A WONDERFUL OVER THE COUNTER CHEAP ($15.00 FOR A 2 MONTH SUPPLY) DRUG CALLED LITHIUM OROTATE. IT’S A MINERAL WITH NO NO NO SIDE EFFECTS!!! IVE DONE RESEARCH AND WHEN coming out of the “genius” manic state where the brain is overactive and driving you nuts… it begins to get tired. Swollen, and sick. Bacteria cells develop AND LAY EGGS THAT HATCH EVERY OTHER DAY and cause more swelling and secretion of toxic metals = BAD. CRASH. DEPRESSION.



        I wish we found this sooner and could have given it to my sister in law who we think was Bipolar. But its too late to know because she lost her struggle. Out of her sadness and confusion she turned to Meth, pain pills, and put a shot gun to her chest and took her own life. She had 4 babies, the sad part? the dad committed suicide 13 years ago too…. Bipolar is a seriously tricky condition. Plant your feet strongly and make the decision to make a difference. Find some kind of spiritual guidance whatever it may be that needs to be first, then take care of yourself, THEN comes your relationship, then your kids, then your job, ect.

        Hope this helps. Just a compilation of a bit of info I have learned along my journey. Keep your heads up!! Life is good, and fun with a bipolar lover! Don’t get stuck pointing your finger at the other person.

      • I want you to know that your post probably saved a life. It is clear to me that my life is in danger when you say it, someone with the disorder. So many people say he’ll kill me one day..or that the stress of it all will..but I honestly just kind of..laughed it off.
        I’ve been with a bipolar man for a year and a half, and more recently, choked out twice. He WILL NOT seek help and claims to “run circles around therapists” anyways. He knows that a demon/his mind is taking over his life, sometimes admits to having a strong family history in mental illness and that he has been diagnosed ..he speaks about diff diseases, but now is just admitting to anxiety.
        He is also an alcoholic and drug addict. I lived with him in the woods in the mountains for a couple months on his weed farm and slept next to paranoid him a shotgun every night in a trailer, that was the scariest two months of my life. I just stayed high enough to forget. He’s called me horrible names and the stories and the lies make me feel like a tornado is running through my head, rummaging it all up, sucking my soul out of body, as well as any logic.
        I needed you to say that it will kill me. I know now, I KNOW he is BiPolar after reading all these posts and researching for months, but now…NOW i think every ounce I have left in the precious body of mine needs to get up and scramble away.
        Thank you. thank. you.

    • Hi this message is specifically for Martha…. I am new here, and after googling “why do I want to break up with my boyfriend every few months”, find myself questioning whether I could be bipolar. I went to see a psychiatrist fairly recently to address my concern, and did not seem to think I am bipolar, but instead possibly inherited some bipolar traits from my family and thinks I could benefit from talk therapy.
      (nobody in my family is formally diagnosed, but after describing many relatives behavior, it is clear there is some type of temperamental irritability)
      Your post stuck out to me as one I can relate to… I know I have an amazing boyfriend and i have never and would never cheat or disappear or other nonsense like that… but find myself changing my mind every few weeks, and getting paranoid and insecure. It is my relationship that I feel is the only time my behaviors maybe mirror bipolar; not in any other aspects of life.
      I want to ask how you first knew/were diagnosed as being bipolar and some experiences you deal with day to day as well as throughout your life. I think it may help me in my search as to discovering myself.

    • So after reading this particular post I have a bit more hope. I have been dating although not together at the moment my g/f for the past 4 months. When we met I fell for her instantly. Beautiful, smart, funny and affectionate. She told me that she was on medications for bi polar mainly because I was open about myself being on depression meds but was not informed about the severity. She is without a dought the women of my dreams and I love her with all my heart. The first 3 months of our relationship had to be the most amazing times of my life. She is absolutely perfect for me in every way but once her symptoms started to show I began to see the other side and the pain started. We had a few disputes on things before this but once she actually told me that she wasnt in good space and that things were to serious for her my immediate reaction was that she was gonna leave me. Which she didnt but slowly she took herself out of my life and showed me less and less of that love and affection I had grown used to. It was killing me and we did talk about it often and I even started to research heavily about the disorder and got some closure from all the things I read and found out. The problem was I had already been hurt and just didnt feel ok with how she pushed me out of her life and became a stranger. It took almost an entire month of being apart for her to see me again. A friend of mine had really helped me through all this and been there for me while me a man cried over this girl every night. I couldnt put it together. It took me down to my knees and no matter what I still couldnt give up on her. Recently I told her that I had been talking to this girl and just didnt feel that the things she had once said to me such as ( I was her true love, her soulmate, an amazing man for her daughter to look up to, her future husband, the only man she will ever love again) etc… That all these things just couldnt be true if she was able to put me through what she had.. I told her I may give this other person a chance to date me and thats when she really finally came out with the anger towards me. I knew what I was getting into when I found out about her disorder but the lack of communication on her part put me in a place that I didnt know what to do. After I told her this she suddenly found all the things I did wrong and lashed out. Not once before had any of these things been issues nor do I think they really are and she was just looking to hurt me more at that point. She seems like she just has an excuse for everything no matter what it is, always defending herself and I know BP people have trouble with feeling wrong all the time, have trouble with emotions on levels I couldnt understand although I do a bit being a clinically depressed person. She always said stuff that she didnt want to be a bad girlfriend and that she only did things because I told her to, which is crap because I never tried to do anything that she hadnt told me she wanted for herself. What I have come to see is that BiPolar people feel things about 10 times more then we do. Depending on the type of bipolar it makes a big difference to research and find out if this is for you. Most of the time they are gonna come back to you and I know she will come back to me and well come up with a new plan. The problem is that many times you end up waiting for the person you fell in love with to come back. That probably wont happen but you will always get some of them and with the proper treatment can live happy lives together. I know without question that I could spend my life with this girl and although some of you may say its only been 4 months to me it has been much more then that and we have something worth fighting for. Some bi polars are way worse off and really arent the best people to try and have relationships with. You have to know when to let go as hard as it is. I have never felt so forgotten in my life yet once I found out that nothing is personal and this may happen here and there I was able to accept it much easier. One other thing is that prepare yourself to be blamed for almost anything. A week ago she or he may blame themself for things but then all of the sudden every problem is because of you, that you arent giving them space, not letting them be independent and such. Its all part of there disorder and the sooner your able to distinguish between them the easier it will be to deal with episodes. Bi Polar is a disorder that is all about prevention< Lifestyle changes that require work and hard work for many years before you figure out what works for you and them. I am willing to go through anything for my love. The choice is yours but not all relationships have to end badly.

      • yes it is hard with any diseases/mental illness..dont ever give up…and live your life…dont ever apologize for it…take care of yourself too…I have made a decision to be supportive plus live my life and enjoy the kids…or what is the point? I have my “happy place” I can go to and exercise…I hope it works out

  16. As a chronically single but very attractive woman my bi polar girlfriend developed an army of young suitors who she would lean on for support. Many of them were former boyfriends or dates.

    As a friend I encouraged her to seek medical help to balance her condition…held her hand through the difficult period of balancing medications and even drug and alcohol abuse.

    On the other side of that she seemed to be much happier, mostly balanced. On her balanced days she is excited about her future, productive, and loving.

    On her bad days though she behaves inappropriately …having text conversations with guys that are inappropriate, making plans to go on vacation with them, or meet alone at their apartment.

    As a boyfriend I feel like I have to step outside normal boundaries to preserve the relationship…its just not going to be “OK” for me to share a relationship with her while she goes on vacation with another man or to their apartment, or to romantic dinners while she is in her confused state….and of course when she is balanced these aren’t topics of interest for her anyway.

    Sometimes her anger at questioning her poor decision keeps her upset for 30 hours in a row …and when she finally backs down she can resent me for days.

    I encourage her to reach out to newer and more appropriate friends. (not guys who want to sleep with her or drug users)…but making friends is hard for her.

    and yet for 20 out of every 30 days… she is most compassionate, beautiful, creative and loving person I have ever known.

    I dont know what to do…sometimes in a lucid moment she says to me – “I dont trust my judgement, but I do yours …so on these issues I submit to your viewpoint” …and then seemingly a few days later she has forgotten all about that.

    I feel for all the couples being robbed of time and energy and happiness by this disorder.

    • I totally empathize with nearly everything I’ve read. I 100% understand the 10% or so of heartbreak vs. 90% of affection. I’m fighting tears as this site has hit me hardest with all of your honest accounts.
      I recently (6 days ago) parted ways with my bi polar bf after living together for a year. He posted on Craigslist for men and women, cruised singles sites and constantly downloaded porn, abandoned me during a family tragedy, and was at a “friend’s” many a night. He promised to seek help and medication but only grew angry when I attempted to rebuild trust. I went against my better judgement and attempted to forgive and work through it but he said he was sorry he couldn’t make it work and nothing could fix our relationship.
      He betrayed my trust and broke my heart! As much as I love him or at least the face he wears when he wants something, I will NEVER take him back. It’s the hardest most draining breakup I’ve ever experienced. He hasn’t called since Monday, nor I him. I pray he doesn’t try to get back together when he does call or that I’ll be able to ignore his call. Regardless as much as I enjoy his company I can never be happy with someone who can’t help themselves. I tried and tried to help but found myself unable to help even myself lately!

      I commend those of you who are struggling to save your relationship. And I’m proud of those of you who left. My thoughts will be with you as I attempt to repair myself and life. Wish me luck :)

      • Right now I am going through so much with my husband. I never knew what was wrong with him, but I always knew there was something. Just like week he came home accussing me of cheating. We were fine when he left out in the morning. I just can’t take this any more. He has really caused my self-esteem to go down. One minute he is the nice guy the next minute he can be the curelest man in the world. There is to much up and down for me. Right now he is on probation from stealing and I truely believe that the only reason that he is not hitting me is because he don’t want to go back to jail. His probation is up in August and I really want to leave him. He has threaten me so many times what will happen if I leave him. He think it’s me who have a problem not him. He won’t get help and I can not do this any longer. He has physically abused me in the pass and even last week he has grapped my face. His mouth is so bad. He can say very hurtful things and do not appericate anything that I do for him. He always want more. He wants me to spend even my child support on him and he just spend his money on his car. I am taking the bus everyday. Please I really need help right now.

  17. I have known my current girlfriend for over 20 years. In 2000 she was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder and put on medication. At the time of her diagnosis she was involved in an abusive ( Both physically and verbally) relationship with another man. Finally in 2005 she got up the courage to leave this man. We reconnected in 2006 and have seen each other ever since. Initially when I re-entered her life she said she only wanted to be friends however, as time passed we grew closer together. She has had several manic episodes since 2006 which required hospitalization and each time her medication was adjusted. She is currently taking 5mg of Zyprexa which seems to work better than anything she had been on in the past however, since being on the Zyprexa ( About a year and a half now) she has not had any manic episodes but has fallen into a depression. She says that by being on this medication she is ” No longer BiPolar” which is a complete fallacy because as far as I know, there is only medication to control BPD and not cure it. She claims that her doctor told her that she would not have another episode by taking this medication, again, something I find dubious. I believe she is in denial of her illness. Also, I have tried to very subtely suggest that perhaps she might ask her doctor about combining an anti-depressant with the Zyprexa and she will bristle at the suggestion saying she is not depressed. I believe she is as anytime I suggest social outings she is rather reluctant however, she will jump at the opportunity to go to the local Bingo hall and gamble. Not that I don’t enjoy taking her there as it is fun ( from time to time) but she expresses no desire to meet my friends and when we get together I am the one who has to drive to her place where she lives with her parents as she has lost her confidence in driving even though she is a great driver, she now believes she will either cause an accident or be involved in one. Trying to get her self confidnce back and encouraging her to try doing things outside her comfort zone is like pulling teeth at times. I think she truly believes that by taking this medication she is on currently she will never see the return on her BPD however, she is in my opinion in the throes of a rather deep depression right now. I should mention that when she left her ex boyfriend in 2005 child protective services awarded him custody and her visitation. Something she took really hard and still suffers from to this day. I have tried being as supportive as possible and since her ex and the kids live about 5 hours away by car, I drive her down as often as possible as I think it is important for her to maintain a relationship with her kids. Again, however everything I do for her to make her life more comfortable seems to be ” expected” and yet when she will do something for me, she will want a big production made of it as to how nice it was of her to do something for me. I have spent countless hours as well as $$$ trying to make our relationship work but I am finding it increasingly harder and harder to hang on much longer. I have suggested in conjunction with her medication she return to counselling, she stopped going as she believes she does not need it and is cured on her current medication but I believe it would help her better deal with her depression. Also, I have read that diet can play a vital role in people with BPD and I must say, her dietary habits are atrocious. She is not overweight or anything but will definitely be heading that way as she consumes way too much regular Coca Cola, something she just took to recently as well as eating chocolates and hardly any fruits or vegetables are part of her diet. I have noticed that because of this change in her diet it is definetely affecting her mood. Does anyone else have similar experiences? I feel like I am alone in this journey and it seems that I can no longer do right by her. I would like to continue our relationship but am just worn out. If anyone else has had similar experiences I would love to know how you dealt with them.

  18. Hi
    I thought i would post my story & would appreciate all the comments back

    I have been married for 25 years . Im 44 my hubby is 46 we have 3 lovely kids.

    The reason im writing this is i feel my husband may have bipolar. I’ll do my best to explain please bare with me.

    We had only been married 2 years when my husband came home from work & said i dont love you anymore & then went into a deep depression, he came back after a few months? 4 years and then 4 after that he did the same.

    Just over a year ago i found e-mails and texts that were innapropriate in content . Not stuff ive ever heard him say. He sent flowers & built up two friendships with two female colleuges . We suffered a few bereavements and he was stressed at work when all these events took place. He cant remember sending any of the e-mails texts etc. He explained to mevthat he felt he had been hit with a bolt of lightning when i showed him the e-mails. He was so schocked thst he went to see our doctor and was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown.

    He has acted outbof character more so in the past few years . At times he became disengaged from me and the kids. He would spent money on stuff that was’ nt needed.

    All this behaviour has been devastating and im not sure what else to do . I feel that he has BP and he said if he ever feels depressed again he will tell me and will go back to the Doctor’s and seek help ,i however feel that it should be adressed now.

    My hubby has always been a work aholic however lost his job after 20 years due to innapropriatevtalkmto a female. He is a lovely guy well loved my me ,his kids family and friends adore him. I want to help but sometimes feel like walking away sorry if that makes me sound harsh butbim just being honest.

    I would really welcome your thoughts and advice.


    • we are both 41, kids from previous marriages, he is bp, we are engaged for the moment..i think he is ultra ultra rapid cycling..its mentally are not alone..i am the most horrible person, etc..his ex-wife is better-I told him to go back to her..I think I am better than everyone-he is insecure…He threw coffee at me one day..I told him next time to make sure I wasnt wearing his coat…I have told him to leave, not talk to me that way..Supposedly I am cheating, I am afraid of failure-although I face it everyday with him…this is what I deal with…We have some good times..I have chosen to not walk on eggshells and live my life…I love him, I support him, I will help him to get help..I am not a doormat either…live your life and enjoy the kids…take care of you too…you deserve to be happy…its not that nonbps dont have problems, I choose to look at the good in life and I am thankful to be me-i’ve had diabetes 20 years..I get ups and downs, its not an excuse to hurt people or be unfaithful..While the difficult takes time, the impossible takes a little longer…I hope you stay strong

  19. Hi i would appreciate any comments :)
    I’m dating my bf for 1and a half years now. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since he was 16 i think and he is 27 now. He is on medication.
    He told me he was bipolar after maybe a month of dating. We had a great relationship. He was very loving affectionate he would spend all his time w/ me. He was truly the most amazing person ever.
    Only after months of dating we had started talking marriage. He said he wanted to marry me have kids spend his life w/ me how much he loved me how much i made him happy etc.
    I’m his first girl friend btw. I admit at time i treated him bad. I didn’t appreciate him as i should have.
    He was only working a few hours a week and i think that made him really sad. He would travel an hour more or less, to come see me every day. Or to pick me up from work. A year later he moved apartments to be closer to me. He also became permanent and did 40regular hrs every week. He had a bad case of acne when i met him and around the time he became permanent (in April) he started the accutane treatment.
    Starting from then on his behaviour towards me changed dramatically. Side effects of accutane include emotionally distant , aggressivity among others.
    In July he moved closer to my area and i was having problems at home (I’m 21) and i moved in w/ him.
    It is now been 8 months we have been living together. We had so many fights and arguments. We physically abused each other and him verbally also.
    I ‘m always supporting. I cook all his meals and wash his laundry. Clean the apt and look after his cat. I go to school and work part time. I’m always there for him never bother him or prevent him from doing things he wants even though Sometimes they make me angry (like when he goes to strip club)
    he has told me Sometimes when he gets really angry that he doesn’t love me and that I’m an obstacle in his life.
    He’ll want to break up and I’ll get so heart broken I’d cry for hours and he’d just look at me.
    We never broke up. The last outburst was 4 days ago. He told me he doesn’t love me. He’s tired of seeing me everyday. I’m an annoyance. He hates waking up next to me. He hates that it looks like he’s dating a 12 year old. (i don’t look like I’m 12!) he doesn’t want to have sex w/ me. Etc it was so painful for me. He said he’ll give the relationship another chance but chances are much much higher that he breaks up than stays w/ me.
    He’s very distant now and Tells me to shut up when i try to start a conversation.
    I’m really sad knowing that we once had so so much love…and now its like this.what should i do!

  20. Wow, i am reading these posts and its scary. my boyfriend of four years has once again broke up with me. He does this every 3 or four months…..His out burst are down right evil. He goes from loving me madly, then can’t stand the site of me. Its always my fault when hes angry, and i deserved it. He calls me horrible names such as whore, cunt, slut, etc….. He will leave for a week , give or take a day.I have caught him on swinger web sites, talking to other women. Which he flipped off….said he was bored just bored. After he tortures me long enough, he will call to say sorry. Tell me how much he loves me. He has also hit me, slapped me and throw food in my hair. He scares my children and family. Which i might add, hate him. I know it sounds crazy but I love him. Although i have decided to not take him back this time. Its so hard to do. I am not sure if hes bi-polar or not. He says hes just fine!! He is calling obsessively at the moment….I think that loving a bi-polar is the hardest relationship to deal with, because there is a good side that you love and yearn for. But the bad side is agonizing, and ohhhh so stressful. I felt so unable to love anymore. He drained me dry, and broke my will. So ladies please think twice about staying with someone who displays this type of behavior. I lost that loving feeling.

  21. Currently in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. We have been together almost 6 months. I’m 23, he’s 24. He was sent to the hospital 2 months into our relationship and the doctors said his parents were a trigger to his anger/depression, so he came to live with me in my apartment. Things have been good, but lately his anger towards me and everything else has been extreme. He tells me he wants to be single, then an hour later “realizes” he really loves me and wants to be with me.. this has took a HUGE toll on my life and trust for him.. I love him, but I don’t know what to do at this point. :(

    • Hi .. I feel the same about my girl friend… She loves me so much the 30 min later she thinks I’m cheating on her:(

  22. Seeing as so many of you have had experience with this, does anyone have advice on how to talk to someone who has never had any intervention or help with their bipolar? My boyfriend is 27, and he, his best (and pretty much only) friend, and I all believe he’s bipolar. I’ve been the only one around enough to notice that it’s happening every other day now,a nd to realize long before that that he wasn’t happy. I’ve finally talked to his best friend and explained my side and what my boyfriend has told me when he’s been drunk and such that really scares me and makes me even more sure that he needs some help. His friend and I want to do something for him, and intervention, to help him to help himself, but we aren’t sure what to say or how to go about it and it’s only us two. We don’t’ know his family well enough and there isn’t anyone else to help us in supporting him. I’m scared I’ll trigger him when we try to help him, any advice?

    • I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few months ago. Now that I am educated on the subject, I can look back and see he’s had it since the day I met him. Unfortunately, he didn’t seek help until his life had completely fallen apart. Before he was diagnosed , his breakdowns would send him to the hospital. His family doctor would write him up a xanax prescription and send him on his way. This did not help at all except to make my boyfriend feel dependent on xanax even tho it doesn’t help much. After a major break down the night before, my bf decided to go back and see his family doctor. Thank God he wasn’t there! They sent him to see a differnt m.d. Who had the sense to refer him to a psychiatrist. It didn’t take the new doctor long to see that my bf was bipolar. As for your question, this is what I think could have helped him seek help sooner. You are already one step ahead of me. I didn’t research bipolar until after he was diagnosed. If I would have known I think I could have urged him to get help sooner. Even tho my boyfriend knew he had been diagnosed, he made no effort to change except taking the medication. He was still drinking, not sleeping, and slowely started going into mania despite the medication. I ened up having to call the cops on him. The next day once he was calm, I sat down with him and read him numerous articles about bipolar disorder. Once he learned all the signs and symptoms, he was finally being real about having it. I think he was in denial up until that point. He started eating right, sleeping, and is working his hardest to stop self medicating. Everyday is a struggle for him, but he is way less hopeless now that he knows about his illness and that he can one day control it with a lot of work, that he can feel better. My advice to you is don’t let to get to the point of rock bottom, because if you do much more work will have to be done. Print some things up about bp. Not too much because you dont want to overwhelm him. Wait for the right time because if you don’t it could turn into a disaster. Simply show him the signs and symptoms and tell him you are concerned and want to help. Dont tell him he has it, ask him if this is how he has been feeling and if he thinks he has it. If he reads it and says no chances are hes in denial

  23. Hey I have a girl friend that is bipolar we both would be saying stuff that is sweet and loving … Then out of no we’re she hangs up on me (this hapens once or more a day) saying that I’m cheating on her and that she’s mad at me.. And I tell her I love her but she juss dosint care …. But tonight we were talking sweet lyk usual and she had her moment were she said I’m cheating on her … And I couldn’t take it( I’m man anuff to say this) so I started to cry and she emediatly stoped being mad and started saying how much she loved me… That’s the only way I can stop her from changing from loving to depression

  24. When I started reading this i burst into tears. Every word, every emotion mentioned, I know how it feels. I’m dating someone with bipolar, for a year now, and I have days where I just feel giving up on myself, it feels like I don’t do enough. At times I get so hurt I wonder what I’m doing, but I really love him so much and I remind him daily that I’m always there for him. Could you give me any guidlines perhaps on dealing with bipolar, the do’s and don’t’s? What I could do to make myself stronger?

  25. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 yrs. Reading this has answered so many burning questions about her personality. She’ll be unbelievably loving, so caring, tell me I’m amazing and wonderful. Then, the next day, lasting for usually a little less than a week, sometimes more, she’ll shut down completely. She’ll say I mean nothing to her, and will come up with all these bizarre reasons why she hates me – nonsensical and strange things. She’ll cry randomly and hide away in her room and say terrible, cruel, illogical things. She’ll have random outbursts of anger for the smallest little thing. This seems intermittent, she will go for months with no signs of it, then it will happen a few times. Every time I have gotten so hurt and I never understand why she does it. She turns into another person. She has not cheated on me, but she did kiss another man during one of these episodes. I forgave her, as much as it hurt, mainly because she said she didn’t know why she did it and barely remembered why.

    Sometimes he will act crazy with unlimited energy, and be so happy, bouncing all over the place and wanting to do all sorts of crazy things. She’ll talk all over the place and just be hyper as anything. I didn’t ever really think anything of these, I just thought some days she was randomly hyper, but it sounds like a ‘hypomania’ episode.

    As of right now, she is undiagnosed, and maybe I am just confused, but her symptoms sound exactly like all of these stories. It makes me want to cry. I love her so fiercely, and it kills me to see this happen to her. Whenever she says horrible things to be, I’ve always just taken them with stride, but now I know why she does them, and that she can’t even help it. I feel awful for her. I’ve tried to get her to seek professional help, and I think she’s going to get an evaluation soon.

    • Hi Eian, Based on my experience I say run run as fast as you can and don’t look back. If you stay in the unbalanced relationship you will be in for a wild emotional roller coaster ride that will impact your own mental health. You might as well be drinking poison. The bipolar person cannot control their moods and cannot build the basic building blocks for a lasting relationship. the only thing they respond to is the infatuation of an early relationship (sex) and will cast you aside as soon as the honey moon is over. The bipolar person is a good candidate for serial relation ships. Good Luck!

  26. The article by Joe in question is dangerously ignorant and wreckless to be disseminated. To go ahead and publicly suggest that often forcing a bi-polar person into hospitilization against their will is a viable course of action is absurd.
    First of all, thats a last resort measure. Second of all, this website is probably inundated with misguided and underinformed people looking for help, and often shopping for what they and their ego wanna hear.I’m sorry, but the average American is hardly intelligent enough to even handle these difficulties well to begin with, and then they are thrown the fuel of these extreme ideas???
    You DONT make those claims so casually, and anyone charged with publicizing them is accountable for gross malfeasance.Those things need to be cited very carefully, in full detail with at least a moderate list of pre-qualifications leading to that kind of thing.
    Sadly, no one knows that a huge amount of people who are extremely intelligent almost entirely sucesfully hide bi-polar, and suffer in secret…..just imagine if one of those people had recently opened up to a hysterical aunt who read the article and tried to pinkslip them and cost them their job…..

    • Mark,
      Your comments are enlightening. Thank you. I had been in a years-long relationship with an individual dealing with bipolar disorder. The details are not necessary. After counseling and reflection I realized I had become a co-dependent (I don’t like the AA-coined word but it is close enough) with this person’s disorder.
      I agree that in our backwards society bi-polar people must be cautious regarding sharing their disorder from ignorant individuals and employers. However, when it comes a partner relationship, that disorder and it’s problems must be releaved. Bi-polar disorder is a physical disability not mental illness. A person born with a brain wired differently than most can no more help it than one born without the use of their limbs. The disorder should not be hidden from a future partner.

    • I totally agree with your statement. The most intelligent people or average american don’t know how to address individuals with bipolar or any other mental illness for that matter. I’ve been struggling with bipolar1, depression, ADHD, as well as anxiety for a very long time. I’ve always knew I was different but I never knew what was wrong. I was diagnosed when I was 26 years old. I’m now 31 and I still struggle however, I must say this been a journey for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself as well as the way I look at the world completely. People always have this stigma where they want to label people with mental illness as crazy or just dramatic. No one asked to be this way. Before I knew about my illness I always had difficultly with school, relationships etc. now that I know what’s the issue I try to manage it and live to the best of my ability. I’m now ready to complete collage with a B.S. In criminal justice and I’m looking forward to a bright future. The funny thing about it is that people who didn’t understand or support me through this journey didn’t think I could make it. I’m living proof BIPOLAR PEOPLE ROCKS! If a person can’t just love us & take the time and patience to learn about the illness and support you them they are not meant for you!

  27. I need help for my new daughter-in-law, but I don’t know how to get her to get help.My son dated a girl for 3 years and just married her last week. I believe the girl has bipolar disorder. My son knows she needs help, but she refuses to seek therapy. She said she had the budget for the wedding under control, but 4 hours before the wedding, my son was notified that payment of over $20K was still owed!When he asked her why she lied to him, she just went into a frenzy: screaming, crying, hitting, threatening to kill herself and saying being married to him was worse than death. Some of her other behavior: Dishonesty, going off for hours without telling her whereabouts, insisting on taking control of everything, spending lots of money, low self esteem, critical of herself, oversleeping, not sleeping.

    • She absolutely seems to fit the profile of someone living with untreated bipolar disorder. Best of luck to you all.

  28. After reading every post on this page I feel so many feeling.I would like first say I am a behavioural coordinator and have come across people with this disorder and it is very heartbreaking not only for the spouses of these people but for the person who suffers with being bipolar.Know let me encourage all of you to pick up these books and this will help you a lot to understand there illness and also provide you with self help.the hardest thing is letting go because the truth is these people are certainly beautiful but what do you do??.. in able the mania, absolutely not but validation is important so the name of these books are
    When Someone you love is Bipolar by Cynthia G.Last,PhD and also the book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.By Shari y.Manning,PhD..Great depth and great information get out your yellow sharpy and pen because there will be a lot of info ,help for them as well as self help in these books.
    Keep reading please…Now my storey will begin,yes I work in mental health and yes I have seen all different cases ,however the denial hit me hard when the man i was truly in love with was diagnosed with being Bipolar and the roller coaster of Love,Hate,hurt,ect came ,went and the circle continued.This man came into my life after my husband died and we spent hours talking on the phone ,laughing consoling,there was nothing we didn’t talk about however…4 yrs after the death of my husband we got together it was beautiful,the warmth and gentleness and love ,passion ect was there and then by times he would wake up very quiet and i thought oh he is tired from working nights,then he would space off,and come back i would ask what is wrong he would say nothing..all was going ok and it wasn’t a worry until we decided to move in together,that day of moving he dropped me off at church and took off,hmmm i though thats strange and the whole relationship went down hill,he was wonderful to quiet to disconnected and it only got worse,i thought oh he is sensitive and started making excuses for him.this man was totally in love with me and then he started locking himself up in the room in the dark and he would stay there for hours,then i found pornography and he would act cold distant and i was omg…i started to do my own things not without worry but the denial of oh this isn’t happening to me!!!..then he came home with roses all was well and loving and that lasted about three months and snap one night i said i love you baby,he didn’t respond so i said hello did you forget something,he said to me each time i talk to you i don’t have to say i love you and hung up the phone,he left and 3 days later i called asking him where are you he said i need to get away give me time,then 5 days after said i don’t love you,then two days after i do love you,then i don’t again and i was on the roller coaster till he came through the door called me names ,cruel hurtful and no respect what so ever.told me to get out of his face,went and locked himself up and cried.
    Now this is sad,hurtful and dysfunctional don’t you think??…well having bipolar is a serous and painful condition for the one that has it and I would certainly say it is very difficult for the spouse as i go do I stay!!!…No one can answer that question for anyone.its a roller coaster and does it stop??…maybe it will be controlled with antidepressants and stabilizers,and therapy and a supportive family.but the fear,hurt and guilt and shame that person with bipolar live with is so painful.your mind being torn all the time…did I stay because of the severity of this condition and the love i had we decided to live separate and with the ability to understand a more in-depth understanding of the illness it allows me to have space to focus,and love him with validation of his pain but ability to have security…there is also another book for you ladies who are the spouse of the bipolar partner is called Women who love to Much by Robin Norwood this will give you great strength though trouble times.If you would like to talk please feel free to email me.

    • since you understand this, living apart-how do u trust? my ex moved 9hrs away. He got mad over the phone when i told him i commend him for trying by keeping busy, but this is chemically in his brain and the cycle will get worse and hehas no control. I told him to call the doctor before he goes back to drinking. He said he was getting better…i said please call the doctor-this disease has ruined your marriage and family and now it is ruining us. With that, he said i hurt him and he hung up! Wouldn’t answer for almost 2 wks. I called and left a message that if he didn’t want to be with me fine, but i still wanted to help him…so he answered. I read a book to him by paul jones, but only got thru 3 chapters-i told him that these were his actions. He didn’t want to talk about it. Later that night, he called me and asked me why I called and hung up on him? Then he said he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, he is happy in his own little world and hung up. He was sooo disrespectful that I called back and left a message that he is getting paranoid-as the cycle will do-and he owes me an apology. Nothing still

  29. But when is enough . . . well, enough.

    I have had the great privilege of interviewing both Maggie Reese (author of Runaway Mind), and Andy Behrman (whose book Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania is slated to be a major Hollywood movie in August 2013), who have both indicated that they would not like their children to be with someone who is Bipolar. Andy actually said that if one of his daughters told him that she wanted to get into a relationship with someone who is Bipolar, he would make sure to tell her how long and difficult a road such a relationship would be.

    Another comment I found interesting came from a doctor who himself suffers with depression who said that caring for someone with Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness) is considerably harder than caring fro someone with Cancer. The reason given is that the person with the physical illness is more apt to show appreciation for your efforts, while someone with BP is not only going to not show appreciation but quite frankly may become hostile and accusatory towards the caregiver.

    What are your thoughts regarding the above?

  30. Reading all these posts makes me wonder…are there any success stories? If there are, how was the relationship maintained. Are bipolar individuals doomed to have failed for relationships for the rest of their lives? I am currently in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. He is 37 and I am 30 years old. We’ve been dating for 6 months and he has been manic or hypomanic the entire time. I didn’t know anything about bipolar disorder but started seeing a psychiatrist at the 2 month mark when I realized his behavior was abnormally wrong who advised that I needed to “get away” and let go of the relationship because he would only hurt me and that he was toxic. I refused to accept her advice and decided to go with my gut. He has gone from loving me passionately during the first two months of us dating to yelling, cheating, lying and using me for money for last four months. I’ve forgiven him because I feel that his bad behavior was a symptom of his condition. I also put up with it because I’ve read and researched manic depression and thought that if I stuck it through we would come out stronger. His manic state was also induced by the use of SSRI’s before we dated.

    After six months of this crazy roller coaster ride, he now says he wants to marry me and is 100% in love with me but needs space to get his mind back to the right state of mind. I completely agree, he is still manic and has ocd on top.

    The caveat is that he wants a “break” for the summer and wants to sleep with other women (some of these women were from the craigslist ads he put up when he cheated). I’m lost and broken. I believe I have reached my limit. I’m not sure if his behavior is a result of him thinking that he can get away with anything since I am understanding or if he truly is that compulsive and does not want to cheat on me while he “gets it together.” Why does “getting it together” have to involve other women? I hate to toot my own horn, but I work out, I have a graduate degree and an excellent job and even modeled years ago. I see myself as a catch. Is this break to sleep with other women an acceptable request or am I being taken for a fool? It feels wrong and I am very hurt.

    • Susie…
      I’m currently where you are, just two more years down the road… with a man I love beyond reason, who is the nicest guy you would ever know, when he is well. Caring to my parents, a good friend, loving, attentive, handyman – u name it…
      But every six months or so he either builds himself up into a mania that after a while turns into depression and his periods have gotten worse along the way, more durable and lasts for longer periods of time. Lately he has even started to have periods of more rapid cycling and can sometimes even be manic and depressed the same day…

      For me it’s been an endless roller coaster,,, He can completely change his mind from one day to the next and wants to move in together and get a new job in the city where I live, and says he hates the job he has where he lives, in one period and wants to get married and start a family, and all of a sudden he instead hates the city I live in, hates my apartment, and hates me…

      And so it goes on and on and on…

      as most of you probably understand, he is not a diagnosed bipolar. But has the disease for sure! He has clear manic episodes, however not as severe as cheating and doing porn or disappearing, like many of you describe here. But instead he grows distant and doesn’t want to plan things to do, doesn’t want to talk, stops showing affection, becomes grandiose, self centered, and a lot of the times demeaning and mean, saying hurtful things and showing all kinds of signs of a frustrated mind…

      And a lot of the times I think I become the target, not because he really hates me, but because so much of his time and his life is centered around trying to hide his condition, that I think, and somewhat by now, know he is fairly aware of on the inside. But it is like a huge struggle inside his mind. And it’s harder to hide that from the people you bring as close as you do a loved one…

      He lives on the same farm, his parents own, and I tell you, before them he’s an expert at hiding his behavior, and they also play along with the game… I know that they have seen his anger and his outbursts, and have on occasion also been the target for them. But have learned to dance the dance of avoidance… Also at work he sofar have managed to keep it together, at least most of the time. But it starts to crack… And during the time I have known him he is progressively getting worse…

      Before I met him he had lost touch with his son, a year before. The situation is the same today. He grieves the loss of his son and sees himself as the victim in a situation that I more and more realize has it’s roots in his disease too…
      His sons mother is painted by him as being a devil. But the more I see the more I understand why she one day just decided that enough was enough, and said she just couldn’t take it anymore and cut off all contact. The son is very firm in his decision too, he says in letters and through talks with social workers and so on how he has felt unsafe and unsettled in his fathers company and tells stories that through a sound lens seems perhaps not enough to want to cut all contact with your father, but seen through the eyes of a boy experiencing his father go through manic depressive stages, becomes a whole different ballgame…

      Right now, we are again standing at that way too familiar crossroad… Where he again for the fourth time is pushing me away, saying he has never had any feelings for me, spitting out anger and accuses me of all kinds of things that are just taken out of the blue… When I bring up the idea that this might be a disease and that we maybe should try and get some help he becomes frantic and behaves like a caged animal, a monster… all this bottled up anger…

      It drains me… This is the first time of all the times I have seen this play staged before me, knowing that it is a disease. When I first found out that bipolar shows itself this way, by reading on forums, finding others who were going through the same things I thought I was alone in… and talking to p-doctors and therapists – I felt relieved, at first! I thought, the maybe there is a way to get help, that he could get well, that we could be able to live a normal life together…

      Now I am slowly realizing that there is no easy way here… no short cuts… no known ways to long term success…

      I am already exhausted… and I’m not over the first hurdle yet, of getting him to seek help… After that, should I make it, then awaits years of trimming the medication… struggle to gain self insight, and willpower to want to learn more and willpower to be able to master his behaviors, facing many inner deamons… therapy… temporary successes, setbacks…
      and probably most of the time a lot of worry and a nagging sense of never feeling safe, never truly being able to relax…

      I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to be able to stand by him through all that… And what will it do to me…? I miss smiling, laughing, feeling safe… I miss him… Or do I just miss a part of him, that is what I want him to be? Can I learn to love also the monster? Sometimes I think I have to, and that scares me a bit…

      Secretly I have made a decision on the inside… a sort of deadline… That if I can’t get him to help, I have to let him go, to save me… It is one of the hardest things I have ever even had to contemplate… It makes me torned and makes me feel like sacrificing someone who wants to get into a lifeboat, that is already full… I can either stay and watch the person die, or give my space to him…
      I only pray I will be strong enough to do the right thing if we get there…

      To you Susie, I wanted to share with you my story, which as you can see is painful, even though my mans symptoms are not even as bad as the ones your loved one is displaying already after only a few months down the road of your relationship… Sometimes I allow myself to count. ALong the years we have spent together, I have told myself that as long as the good times are more than the bad ones – it’s bearable… But if it gets worse than that, something has to change…
      Thats where he and I are now… Usually his sick periods have lasted for two maybe three months, and then we have had usually a good six months of healing and bliss… But this time has been different. He went into a manic state this fall, triggered by our wonderful summer that made him want to move in with me… relocation and all that set off the biggest mania I have seen in him. It became the fist key to me discovering after he fell down into the darkness, that something wan’t right… He has now been cycling darkness and mania for six months, and counting…

      If I were you, I would do a bit of math too… Love is a difficult thing, especially when we are in that first romantic stage… we yearn so much for it, that we are willing to overcome almost anything. But in your case, he has already managed to cause you 100% more pain than bliss… Four months out of a total of six… And you have even had to endure him wanting to cheat on you…

      I wish there was a way I could make you actually hear the truly good thing you told us here, namely that You ARE a Catch!! And you deserve to be with someone who can appreciate that in you, every day…
      I wish I was strong enough to hear myself say that to myself too… 😉

      I truly wish all the best for you, and will have you in my mind while I pray tonight.


      • Scout, I really loved your post.  I actually copied some of it and pasted it into my journal to remind me I am not alone in my own roller coaster of a relationship.

        I have always firmly believed that things happen for a reason, but the pain and destruction of this relationship have really tested my resolve.   If I had the chance to take the blue pill and avoid having met him altogether, I think I would.  

        The short of it is that there are incredible highs and devastating lows.  Being involved with him basically means being involved with three people:

        The manic man:  highly sexual, masochistic.  I am his “goddess.” This  fluctuates with the hyper loving man who wants to marry me, have a family, move in with me (which he basically does without asking).  He says he can’t look at me sometimes because I’m so beautiful.  He swears with conviction that there is no better life out there for him than with me.  And in the moment, he really does mean what he says.    He tells family and friends how wonderful I am.   Before I knew the price of this mania, it wasn’t so bad.  He has some odd sexual kinks (won’t go into those)–I deal with the pornography by watching it with him–but he is mostly adoring me and worshipping me.  I am his queen and goddess.   Good, right?  Wrong.

        The depressed/ dark man:  this, of course, is the price for hyperloving/mania man.  As many of you probably know, there is a cycle of events– the slightest shift in mood.  At first.  His eating habits change.  His sleep patterns change.  He turns away from me at night, leaves the house earlier– continues to assert that everything is fine.  The brooding begins, the distance.  If I ask him more than once if everything is fine, he will lash out.  This isn’t about YOU.  (No, depressed man, it never is).  If I do the opposite and give him space, he thinks I am punishing him.  If I show my own emotions or distress, it gets even worse.  He complains of stress.  And, of course, he leaves.  Usually for a month.  The reasons vary from, “I’m just not comfortable with you,” to “I just pretended to love you,” to full out projections: “why did you make me move in with you?” ( huh?) or, “I want someone who leads a simple and happy life.” Depressed man always breaks up with me via text– sometimes after a brief disagreement– other times the day after he has gushed about how he needs to get me pregnant and marry me immediately– or even the day after we’ve had a seemingly productive/ balanced conversation about continuing to keep our relationship healthy.  (I won’t go into the devastation and confusion that resulted after the first time he did this– by now, however, I’ve gotten so good at reading the clues that it doesn’t even come as a surprise.).  In full swing, depressed/ dark man is distant, narcissistic, and cruel.  

        Balanced man:  (and this is where the TRUE cruelty of this disorder comes into play. )  Balanced man is everything I could ever want.  He is loving, devoted, and nurturing.  I have never seen someone with a bigger heart.  Our physical and emotional connection surpasses anything I have felt before him.  We have the same interests, so we have long conversations, laughter, fun.  We cook and play and just enjoy each other and life.  I am intensely attracted to him, and he shows in many ways and words that he is intensely attracted to me– body and mind.   My heart flutters every time he walks through the door.  He is honest and he listens.  We work through problems together with understanding.  We grow.  More than anything, we love.  And this is important, it’s not a loving ACT– he does actually love me in these moments.  

        The cruelty of balanced man is that in the blink of an eye, he just disappears.  Another poster equated it to a death, and that is exactly what it is like.  It’s like losing the partner of your dreams –over and over and over.    Yes, he comes back–eventually– but then you have to lose him all over again.  Purgatory for unknown sins.  The first time– and every time since– I mourned him– and just when I seemingly started moving into a state of acceptance?  Either he or mania man returned. And the cycle started all over again.

        The difficulty in escaping the cycle and the relationship is that the balanced/ loving man does return from the dead–the switch in his brain does go back to “normal,” and the amygdala chills out– and no matter how much resolve, self- help, reading, or support I have received, it all goes out the window when I see he has returned to me.  I am grateful  to have him back– as grateful as anyone would be to see a loved one returned from the dead –and at night, when he holds  me, I hold him back even tighter, valuing the moment all the more because of its transience.

        But back to that blue pill.  This cycle takes its toll, and it takes every ounce of self-awareness, support, and meditation to hold it all together.  How many times would Orpheus have gone back to retrieve Eurydice from death if he had known that EACH time she would glance back, and he would lose her all over again?

        Another forum mentioned that we live  for the “space between,” and that’s pretty much what it is.  The tragedy is that the space between is short-lived.  It is finite, and it is without peace.

      • Boo and Scout- I don’t really need to tell the story of dealing with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of nearly 35 years. I can hardly believe that much time has passed, nor can I fathom the fact that we have been able to survive all of the ups and downs of this relationship through the years, for all of the reasons mentioned by both of you. But, sadly I am writing this on the heels of a beautiful 2-week vacation gone bad- he moved out of our condo last night to a nearby hotel, because he could not stand to be in the same room with me for the final 1 1/2 days of the trip. These episodes have ALWAYS started over the smallest of things, yesterday’s lunch conversation being no exception. Situations blown so far out of proportion, it isn’t even funny. Just very sad. Will I try to hang in there for the duration? Probably. When things are good, there is no person on earth I would rather be with more. I loved the analogy someone made regarding trying to help someone with a physical illness, rather than a mental one, stating that the person who is trying to recover physically will likely at least appreciative of your efforts to help. This sadly is not always the case for the person suffering from mental problems. It’s that forced isolation from the person that hurts the loved ones (family and friends) the most of all. Writing this gave me a break from my tears. Thanks for the opportunity.

  31. I feel for all of you, going throught this myself right now all I can say is from experience. Love does stay, but this is a time to protect your heart, the heart of your children, and protect your mind. It is very easy to get drawn into there reality, which is very subtle.
    Before you know it, it can seem that abnormal is normal and normal is abnormal; stay strong you know what needs to happen inside of you, it is just all of us don’t like doing it. LEAVE; get away from the chaos and watch how peace will fill in the void and the heartache. It takes time and you will never get over the person entirely, but time does heal and you do start realizing how unstable they are. What is even more shocking is realization of how much they have manipulated you and your kids through .

    • To all of you…i will paste thisThe depressed/ dark man: this, of course, is the price for hyperloving/mania man. As many of you probably know, there is a cycle of events– the slightest shift in mood. At first. His eating habits change. His sleep patterns change. He turns away from me at night, leaves the house earlier– continues to assert that everything is fine. The brooding begins, the distance. If I ask him more than once if everything is fine, he will lash out. This isn’t about YOU. (No, depressed man, it never is). If I do the opposite and give him space, he thinks I am punishing him. If I show my own emotions or distress, it gets even worse. He complains of stress. And, of course, he leaves. Usually for a month. The reasons vary from, “I’m just not comfortable with you,” to “I just pretended to love you,” to full out projections: “why did you make me move in with you?” ( huh?) or, “I want someone who leads a simple and happy life.”Can’t believe…I could’ve written this.We learned this when we were young, once you have sex/make love w someone, you are connected with them for life. Soooo be careful who u choose. Sad to say my bipolar ex was my first true love at 19-he had others but he was 19 too and said i was his true love. I got pregnant. Was naive-he said he did then didn;t want it. I had 1 day to chose. My mom didnt want me to have it. She was controling-my ex and I never fought-were together 8 months never fought, we were just young. Next day they took me to the doctor-bam-then 1 wk later he moved away-his parents sent him to live with his sister….they never knew. I never heard from him again. Then at 21 he called me and said he bought a house and knew what I needed-please come live with him. It wss late at night, i had been out partying-was dating someone else. I told him I would always love him, but now I was dating someone else and it had been 2 years. Never heard from him again. 30 yrs later on valentines day he called me. to apologize. again. he was divorce after 18 yrs. then remarried-just had just passed away 2 months earlier-it was a shock. at the time he must have been in an extreme cycling/mania/whatever. He was 49-me too. Heck- I knew he lost his wife-I didn’t know he was bipolar. I happened to be single-I hadn’t been married for 18 yrs-didnt and wasn’t looking for anyone. Here my very 1st love called me to say he thought about and prayed for me all those years!!!!! I thought wow-the wait was worth it! Little did I know this would be the craziest 2 1/2 years of my life!!! More abusive than you can imagine and my heart strings….PLUS he had open heart surgery at 34!!! He has stints in and he is now-only since may on bipolar meds-hasnt seen his heart surgeon in 6 yrs…on and on and on. HELP ME!!! I am crazy. My friends are so mad at me-I deserve better. I was a great single parent-never went out to party-didn’t want crazy relationships-had one with my ex-husband, showed my child all this good stuff. I am embarrased. Why do I put up with this??? Someone please tell me.

  32. hey i have a question that kinda relates to this topic. what happens when u have bipolar 1 and ur lover has the same? is it gonna work or not? for me and my lover it has been a journey has anyone ever had this happen to them? notify me please i need help trying to maintain the loving relationship we once had before we lose it forever. any advice????

  33. I am really tired of hearing about how when people who are involved with bipolar significant others are going through their others episodes, it is “not about them” and “you must realize the illness of the signficant other etc etc.” Blather!
    After 13 years of bipolar lovings , I am disgusted. I had a 10 year marriage with an abusive husband and 13 years with this bipolar one. Given my all, cover up for him, as in always talk about how wonderful he is yada yada when my life is living hell. At 47 years old, I think I have decided it is ‘me time.’ The hell with picking people who are sick and need help and love and someone who is wonderful to take care of them and understand. What about us?? I am sick of nurturing people who don’t want help or abuse those who help. WIll take care of myself before or I die trying to help others.

  34. They could be so loving. SO LOVING!!! Overall, they are sick & hurt people. Period. No further comments on them. No need to. Too much energy consume. GOODBYE!!!

  35. Hello – I wonder if someone could help me. I think my partner might have BP – but i don’t know. Perhaps people could shed some light on what they think of this situation…

    We met over a year and half ago… We were head over heals for each other. He is a few years younger than me (He is now 22) however, despite careful consideration… this just never seemed to be an issue. We moved in together about 4 months into our relationship … we were always blissfully happy, never argued or had problems. Our friends used to describe our relationship as ‘exemplary’ to others. As a character … he was kind, caring, fun and a total gentleman. I have to say … almost too good to be true. He bestowed so much love on me and was happy to share that with the world.

    After 1 year of being together, he proposed to me. It was the most magical moment for both of us. We both cried tears of joy. We were not planning on getting married for about 2 years … so weren’t rushing things. We just enjoyed life… went on amazing holidays, shared incredible experiences together. It was just perfect.

    About 3 weeks ago, there was a fair amount of stress all going on at once. I had started a new job and wasn’t happy in it… we wanted to move house, but were struggling to balance the finances … he had a few issues with his sisters relationship with someone. It was just all happening at once. However, we still seemed ‘ok’ and i knew we were strong so had no question we would get through it together.

    One night, everything was normal … we went to bed, he told me how much he loved me and to have sweet dreams ‘princess’. The next day I went to work and returned to a nightmare. He was crying and seemed like he was having a panic attack … saying things like, i just need to get out, I feel like I can’t support you, i want to help you but i can’t. He didn’t seem to be aware of his actions, but said he just wanted to go and stay with his parents for a night to ‘clear his head’. – i let him go (obviously upset) but i knew that stopping someone wasn’t the answer …. Perhaps he did just need some space.

    It all snowballed from there really… the next night we had arranged to ‘talk’ – but he came home and just frantically started clearing our home of everything that was his. I tried to talk with him … but he just couldn’t seem to focus. He was packing in a crazy way and just saying … i just need to go. It was very painful to watch him do this. He had always been so respectful of my feelings … i just could not understand what was going on.

    Naturally, i tried to give him some space before contacting him. And rather than me seeing him, he agreed to meet my Mum one night (they had always had a good connection) … he was with my mum for 2 hours and cried and was beside himself for most of that time (despite being in a busy pub garden) My mum said it was like he just had to get things off his chest … he proceeded to tell my mum things that a mother didn’t need to know about her daughter. And also a huge number of lies about our relationship. Almost like he was turning stories around and trying to justify his actions. He was bringing up things that were just completely trivial. He also expressed to my mum that he didn’t know what was going on … he felt numb and couldn’t understand why he was unable to feel any emotion. It also transpired that he had been on a rampage, seeing each of my friends one by one and telling them all these things too.

    Everyone said – ‘this is just not the person we know’

    We have had little contact since then … i have tried, but it is safe to say he is completely avoiding me.

    The last time i saw him was about 2 weeks ago … he came round unwillingly. and i just did not know the person sat in front of me. He seemed to have no concept as to why i would be upset and was extremely distracted, confused and evidently uncomfortable. I just gave up – i felt like he was the most horrible person i had ever met. – i just did not know this person.

    Since that night, i saw his mother once as she came to pick up the last of his things… she said he had been off work for a few days and was very quiet and distant at home. Staring into space a lot of the time. Even she agreed that she couldn’t understand why he had so suddenly left as we were ‘so happy’. and she felt some of his actions were out of character. i tried to express to her that i felt he wasn’t right… but it kind of went over her head.

    Since then, it seems he has been on a path to hurt me. Making friends with girls on facebook … i have no idea who these girls are, but they are certainly not just ‘friends’. He has been going out partying ALOT which again is out of character for him. He has also made hurtful comments on facebook about Women he has seen and what he’d like to ‘do’ to them. This is just NOT him at all. And NOT in my opinion a normal reaction to a break up. Normally and especially i would think HE would have some consideration for my feelings.

    I feel like he’s trying to provoke a reaction from me.

    I am not reacting … because i actually feel a little frightened about what he’s capable of a the moment.

    I cannot stress enough how this is completely out of character for him. This is someone who was ALWAYS respectful to women and a gentleman through and through.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this?? I have read a lot about BP and he seems to tick almost all of the symptoms. Will he come out of this at all?? Does anyone think he will perhaps try and get in contact with me again when he realises the hurt he’s caused??

    Thank you, Rose x

  36. Hi Rose:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this– it can be incredibly painful when they change, especially when they become cruel.

    It sounds similar to what my guy goes through, and it is almost always times of stress that trigger the episode. Same story: loving and devoted one night, completely transformed the next day. The same distant attitude (like it’s not even the same person), the same need to “get out,” the same lamentation, “I’m not good enough to be in a relationship,” the same exaggeration of trivial matters.

    We’ve gone through this cycle too many times– and he always comes back– the loving man returns.

    Does that mean you should be there when he comes back? It sounds like you have a level head– you’re remaining calm and giving him distance. If you CAN get out, do it. And WHEN (not if) he comes back, if you have the strength to say no, do that too.

    • Hi boo

      Thank you so much for your reply. Although awful, it is nice to know someone understands.

      His illness is obviously not diagnosed – and I doubt his family will realise what is going on. You seem quite confident he will return … I am not in a place where I would consider taking him back, however – I do feel that I should try and guide him to some help – even if he chooses to ignore me – at least I will know I’ve done all I can and my conscious can rest.

      It seems your partner may have been diagnosed – is that correct? If so, do you feel from what I have explained that he is displaying the symptoms of BP?? – just in your opinion.

      I suppose things like Facebook I use as a tracking tool to work out where he is in the process of the illness. I know it’s not pleasant – but I feel that I need to see him go full cycle to reassure myself that this is the case and he’s not just an idiot!

      Do you have any opinion on how long it may take him to return or get in contact?? And when he does – will there be an apology or do you think they just expect everything to return to normal?

      Sorry for all the questions – but I just feel so desperate at the moment.

      Thank you, Rose x

      • Rose,

        I am sorry you are going through this but, realize you are not alone.

        The idea of someone coming back is pretty much what most of use have thought of at one time or another. The real question to ask is “do you want this person back in your life”.

        Although I am deeply in love with my soon to be ex whatever, the thought of going back into that chaos is overwhelming. The subtle way they draw you in to the center of their vortex is dark. And when you realize you are there, you wonder how did this happen. It is a self destructive pattern with them, and you must find the strenght and the wisdom to see everything.
        Two things I learned; I cannot fix everything or everyone.
        And to fix my radar to see these people before anything happens or they get close.
        These people need meds for life and the other thing I learned, they all cycle differently. The cycle time between mania and depression could be 6 months of mania and two weeks of depression.

        A pyschitrist friend of mine was telling me there is no set cycle time.

        Good luck and I wish you all the best

      • Hi Rose:My partner has not been diagnosed with bipolar (though he has been treated for depression). It has taken us two years, repeated break ups, suffering, and reflection for him to admit the possibility of a mood or anxiety disorder. Right now we are in a peaceful place– he seems to be handling the stress well (though there are lapses), and he is back to his loving, generous, calm self. (Though to be honest, “peaceful” is relative. There is always the fear that he will transform over night again, always the need to be the levelheaded and calm one, always the pressure to watch his stress levels and find subtle ways to help him deal with that stress).I honestly don’t know if he has bipolar or something else, but I DO know I’ve read a LOT (hundreds) of accounts of women who have gone through very similar experiences (some with partners who have been diagnosed, others with partners who have not) –and stress (real or imagined) plays the primary role in their partner’s shift in personality and mood.There is certainly a chance that your partner will come back, but that isn’t necessarily something to hope for. He could be gone for another week or six months. Who knows. Murphy is right: you do get pulled into their vortex and wonder how you got there– and you should seriously consider if you WANT him back in your life. Whatever progress my partner and I have made has been in baby steps (though even the term “baby step” is being incredibly generous)– and despite that progress, I know he could be gone tomorrow. Again.Murphy is also right to say that we can only help ourselves. Unless your partner realizes on his own that he has a problem, he will never get better. Perhaps losing you is the thing that will show him that.Whatever happens, know that you are not alone.Boo

  37. Hello.
    I’ve been dating a guy for just over a year.

    Recently it all kind of went boom, and he broke up with me. He had tried before because he said that he feels really stressed and some days he doesn’t know what he wants and then he feels guilty the next day for feeling that when he knows he loves me.
    This is a reocurring theme in his life, he has a dream to be a poker player and he doubts himself and his entire being because he doesn’t know about the future and it scares him to death. He has said that I am the one and done many things that show me it was not a lie. He is often talking about how he can feel differently from one day to the next, and I think it has made us both realise that it isn’t our relationship that was causing that for him, and there is a huge underlying issue that is making his scared to live his life because of so much uncertainty. Everyday single day he feels differently from the next, and its like a cage for him.
    I was thinking to make an appointment for him to see the doctor, and talk about how he feels because maybe it isn’t bipolar but I just don’t want to sweep that possibility under the carpet and I think that atleast some kind of diagnosis where he can have sessions with a councellor would be great for him to finally have the freedom to know exactly what it is that he wants. He is such a beautiful person and want so much for him to be happy. But he does need someone to lean on, just worried about if that should be me or not or if I will confuse him, but I don’t trust anyone else to do it better but maybe thats my own problem?
    I would be grateful for any feedback, just want to do all I can to help him…

  38. Dear all. Thank you all of you writing your comments which helps other people a lot. I am sorry I am not a good English speaking person. I am in very big trouble with my beloved only few months ago we were planning our marriage and now one month she left me and do not want even listen me, I love her a lot and am suffering. when I met her I told all true about my personal life. but I lied her about my parents it was my mistake I think I am not an angle but later I confess and said all about my parents which I think was a trigger and she decided to leave me. I begged over phone because she did not want to see me I try all my best I stand in front of her house for 12 hours to see her and talk with her she did not come out she refused even to listen me she says she lost the trust that is all.. But in normal life I don’t think it happens I love her and all her friends relative try to talk with her.. I am a professional doctor surgeon. I found some symptoms in her which I can compare with personality disorder. In our normal relation time use to say I am suffocating with this love feelings, She also said all her story from childhood how her mother was treating her misbehaving, she use to take any drug which is at home to die and also hit her head to the wall, She had a boy friend before she told me she found he was cheating at her and she went also cheat at him, or other person she said she did not love him but had sex, which means she had meaningless sexual episodes in her life she is getting angry very quickly, she can say you things which you never expect from normal person. I don’t know what to do I try to talk with her to go to doctor but it made her more angry she removed my all contact details is not answering my phone neither massages do not want to see me.. But her relative give me information about her what must I do it is now one month I am suffering I love her very much. She said she do not trust me any more when I ask OK I will try to give all explanations with evidence based what every you want to.. But she is refusing every thing.
    She says it is not love it is illness I don’t want to be with you. Only month ago she was tell me she love me she cant live without me.
    Please help me out what must I do.any question i will answer please help me.
    Thank you

  39. Please help!!!,I have been hapily married for 19 years. We have gone though the normal ups and downs of life, had normal arguments, but it has all changed over night.From the beginning….she was in an abusive relationship with the same guy for 16 years. He has BP, OCD, and some others that prevented him from driving, and living a functional life. My wife dated him 8 years and married him for 8 years. She told me that she thought GOD wanted her to take care of him. At the end of 16 years, he left her for the trerapist and she went into a mental brekdown. She was in a padded room and did not know her family. She was put on many medications, one being Lithium. I know this because she told me she had Lithium poisening.She went to church and after a powerful service, had a miraculous healing.Over the years our small business suffered some setbacks….non paying customers…arsen fire…mean customers….employees….that eventually builds up.Fast forward 19 years and here we are. At the beginning of August, we hooked up with my folks from out of town and everything was great. We joined the local gym to loose weight as we were already loosing weight from changing our eating habits. It was good. We both encouraged eachother and worked hard to loose weight. The weekend before our 19 year anniversary it all changed.She enjoyed a game on her phone that interacted with people. She started asking if they could find where we live. I assured her they could not. She said they were all one person in the game stalking her. I tried to understand she had alot of stress and was missing alot of sleep and to not worry. It got worse and she thought our house was bugged and cameras were watching us. The day of our 19 year anniversary, she said I would die and to watch who may be following us. After a few days of this I was beside myself.Although the paranoia has faded away, her personality is totally different. She looks spaced out and says starnge things. My folks came to visit and my mother said that is not the same person. She went out and bought 10-12 new dresses….she has 10 new dressed she bought only 3 weeks earlier before all of this happened. She stops on the raod and gives money to homeless people. She is so sweet to everyone, but seems very distant from me. She no longer calls me any pet names, but by my full name. She wont tell me she loves me, she says she is confused and doesnt know what is happening in her head. Today she said again, she doesny know if she loves me anymore, that she felt this way for a long time….like she has been alone. She just looks so confused.This change happened over night. I am so upset I am going for counselling soon. My folks asked their doctor about the symptoms and he seems to think it is BP. Please offer some insight….I am going out of my mind….we are so good together and have so much fun, I refuse to believe she is doing this consciencely.

  40. what a wonderful world we are living, i still doubt this spell caster how he did it!!! My mouth is full of testimony, Am Sandra my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for atourist,he meant a prostitute and he was bewitch be the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr mudian of is the best spell caster in the whole wild world.

  41. It is comforting to see so many people dealing with the same situation I am in. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years is bipolar and everyday it is something new. I never know what version of him I am going to get. Somedays he is amazing loving and just plain wonderful. Then the next he is a heartless monster. I know at least a portion of his nastiness has to do with the disorder. But it is very difficult to deal with. I have never been more in love with anyone. Yet he accuses me of being ungenuine most days. He couldn’t possibly be farther away from reality on that one. Ive done ALOT of research on BPD and it really does help. Im sorry to all of you dealing with this extremely hard situation, just hang in there and know that you are not alone. Remember tho, not EVERYTHING can be chalked up to the disorder..i mean they are not alien, they are human just like everbody not let them take you for granted, know the difference between an “episode” and when they are just being downright mean or disrespectful. Sometimes its not that easy, but if you really love your partner and this is truely what you want, you will figure it out. Best of luck to all of you out there..on both sides.

  42. This blew my mind, the other night my (bipolar) boyfriend shows up late at night at my house. This is after many, many disagreements over the past year. It’s late, I need to get up for work the next morning, I tried to make love, but was just too tired (this doesn’t usually happen). Next thing I know its 1am and he tells me he’s going home. I asked Why? He said because now he realizes that I cannot make love with him unless I have been drinking (which isn’t true). I try to reason with him, but of course, it is impossible. So he leaves in a huff. The next morning, I have an email from him stating this (this is his actual email to me): “I took 5 of my bass guitars to my friends pawn shop, where six months ago I had asked him to keep an eye out for the perfect white gold or platinum 2 carat minimum engagement ring. I picked it up Monday 10/15/12. IT WAS/IS PERFECT. Tuesday evening Sherri (xwife) brought over the final divorce papers and they were signed.In my excitement I jumped in my car and drove like a mad man to see her “Linda”.
    I put the bottle of champagne in the fridge and went upstairs, slipped in bed with her and wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to make love to her while I asked her to marry me. I tried and tried and tried. But the truth rang out. She couldn’t make love to me without being in an altered state of mind. If she only knew. Now it’s too late and the truth hurts too much. I’ll take the ring back today and eat the loss again.
    good luck finding another fool.”
    I don’t know whether to believe him or not. He overexaggerates, is totally over sensitive, etc., etc. It’s kind of bugging me, but I know we do not get along well enough to even think of getting married. I need some thoughts please.

  43. My name is Vicky i am from United States, I was in a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day i can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart…i am testifying to this great spell caster The Great Esango Priest. if you need his help you can contact him

  44. I also burst into tears immediately. I am guilty of this. 7yr relationship and I must have kicked him out and told him I hated him a hundred or more times. I still love and miss him terribly.

  45. Hey Guys

    Well here goes my storie. I just need to get this out off my system as I am having a constant battle with my own feelings.

    I am married to a wonderful husband and a good father to our 4 childern. One problem is that my husband has been daigonsed with BP this year.

    I only thought that it is deppression. Never tought or even knew what bp is. As we been toghter for 17 years married 10. I thought it could only be depression. He told me when he was 14 years old he had been admitted to hospital has he was very sick.

    Allways sleeping never had the zest for life. It made me very insecure has I thought it was me and he did not love me and that he did not love his family. All our fight were allways just about sleeping. He will if he can sleep the hole day and just leave me to see all to the things needed to be seen to.

    This year was the breacking point. We made new friends. He started inviting them every night and drinking and started discussing me with them. The friend use to tell me to be more striced with my kids even put my kids in the corner and my husband did not do nothing. I spoke to him about it and he just wanted nothing to hear about it and ignored it. Were his kids mend everything to him.

    One sunday he walked after her….leaving his kids crying after him in the street with no food….it was the hardest months in my life…He spended the whole night there getting drunk. The next morning he was home and then the I do not know if I love you and I do not know if I make you happy we need to take a breake and plus he quit working…he would sleep even more and till one day I thought he needed to go see the doc….

    And boom bp…it was like everyday a struggle looking for attention in the wrong places….telling me I was controlling his life. He needed freedom from us…

    Now he is much more better. Taking his meds and still getting his off days. Struggle to get up in the morning to face the world and sometimes he would just go into his own little world…..

    It is a struggle but I know he really loves me becouse if he did not he would have not got treatment for his illness and he would just floating around….

    Good luck and remeber love can beat everything.

  46. I never imagined one day that i’ll seek help because i’m stressed from a relationship. I’ve met this guy a year ago, he was never the type to share his emotions, so it was shocking when he told me a couple of months ago how much he loves me. He was upfront about his bipolar and depersonalization disorder, he’s on meds too. The thing is, when he gets stressed it’s like he can’t focus on anything else, he’s an artist and hates touring. so one day he’s all i miss you baby and i love you, the next GONE! i know how hard it might be because his music is all he’s got, but recently, he had to leave for tour and when i asked how he’s doing he said “losing my mind, i hate touring”. before leaving for tour he was distant again but i still see him talking to everyone on Twitter and Facebook except ME! i never smothered him, always gave him his space, before he left i texted saying you almost never answer me baby :( he replied “Babe, IM BUSY”. i don’t get how can someone be busy and still joke around with other people except the person he loves. he’s a wonderful and an intelligent guy and i miss him dearly and i know deep down he loves me too. i sent him a message telling him i miss him and i’m always there for him and he can text me whenever he’s free, he replied with “i know babe, sh*t is just hectic for me right now”. the next day he was leaving for tour so i texted him when he’s leaving and he replied tomorrow morning, i asked are you mad at me? he said “NO, I just hate leaving for tour, i hate touring” and that’s it. i asked if he can call me before leaving for tour, he never replied. i promised myself not to bother him anymore because i know how hard it is with his depersonalization disorder and how much he hates leaving home. i didn’t send any messages for three days, sent him a Facebook message telling him i don’t want to text him but i’m only checking on him and that i want him to take care of himself please, he replied “yes boss” as he always does when i check on him. two days later i texted him that i miss him, no reply, the next day i heard there was a fight that broke off in the venue he’s performing at and his show got cancelled so i texted him again asking if he was alright and that i’m worried, he only replied with “I’m fine”. I promised myself again not to contact him and that he’s the one who should at least check on me too, but sadly, i gave in and sent him a message that i’m missing him and when this is all over i will be there for him and that i understand what he’s going through. i can see that he’s seeing the message but NO REPLY. I love him so much and i know he feels the same but i don’t know how to deal with him at this moment, is it normal for someone with bipolar and depersonalization to become distant from the person he loves and yet maintain his other relationships with friends and colleagues?? i feel isolated when he does that and i just keep thinking if i did anything wrong to upset him, he says he’s not mad at me, so what explains this ignoring? i’m not sleeping or eating well and thinking all day on how to deal with him, i want to be there for him, he has this idea that he’s bipolar and no woman is willing to stay for him, how can i prove him wrong when i want to give him space but i still don’t want to text or call when it’s obvious he wants to be left alone at the moment. i’m not planning on contacting until he does, i already told him i’m there for him, and it will only make me hate myself more if i send another text and he doesn’t reply. can anyone tell me if i’m doing the right thing please?

  47. I was looking for a way to deal with the devastion I feel after losing a long-term relationship with a man recently diagnosed as bipolar. Our relationship, like all others, had up and downs but we were happy. One early morning in July, I received a call from a Sherrif’s deputy asking me if I knew this person. He had some sort of breakdown and decided he could was 150 miles home from where he was visiting at the time. When I arrived the pick him up he admitted that he had comtemplated suicide. I immediately took him to the hospital and he was committed for 5 days. He as diagnosed as bipolar. When he first came home he continued to do outpatient therapy on a daily basis. Things were great. We pretty much started living together although we both kept our own places. We started making plans to marry and have a baby. He took his 10 year old daughter shopping for engagement rings and told her I was going to be her stepmom. Two weeks later he abruptly ended things stating he was not happy. Imagine my shock and awe when I saw him post a comment on Twitter that another woman had ran away with his heart less than 48 hours after our break-up. He continues to beg me to be “friends” – sometimes even asks for the “benefits” too. He has already introduced his daughter to the new love of his life. I can’t help but think of all that I did for him and how I’m left with the broken heart. I don’t know if he is capable of love, but if so, did he ever really love me. This seems to be a twisted game that I will never understand.

  48. I have a situation that has devastated me for the bettter of 8years We were married for 6 this has been a serious blow to me I have never been right in any situation. I can remember from changing the carpet every year to not carrying myself properly around family and friends. I find a person like this can only live by themself i truly love her. but it seems she does not know i love my kids and care for their mother and and i have boundaries but a person that yells and screams and says i am the only person that makes her do this, its just more she’s willing to throw on me.I have thought she has done something behind my back and confronted her, boy was that a bad idea.She actually said she never told me something that she knows i would not forget. And accused me of dillusions She’s very protective of her ex and at the same time hates mine.I moved out three years ago.Because she was more about the money than the love.Sometimes it seems all of her thoughts are calculated. And somtimes i feel like the illness has such hold on her that she cannot help it and does’nt know real from fiction Its devastating to her because she thinks she’s entitled to be right. Because she read this book and her last marriage was great And if it were that great, and you know all, Then why were you divorced after cheating. I know i will never break the cycle of abuse these people thrive on the drama, the conflict, the keeping the spouse off keel. whatever is for their own purpose. And they don’t care how you feel. Its all about them.So self centered.

  49. My GF and Love of my life told me she had bipolar 4 years and 1/2 into our what was a wonderful relationship. Truly best friends and we had no problems for well over a year. I guess the meds were working too good. So she told me she was coming off them but she was scared how she would change.

    A few months later she was changing in a bizarre way, doing weird things and I just didn’t know what was going on with the Love of my life. I told her maybe she needs to go back to her medication… “She told me to tell her if she changed… So I did… But she didn’t want to know any of this. She left… And that was it. Was gone from my life.

    It really destroyed me for 7 months, I just waited for her, cuz I was reading on what is bipolar and that she was clearly manic. Well 7 months later I get a call… We talked for 4 straight days it was nice but I realize… She’s still manic but good in a weird way.

    She talks so much more then she ever did.
    She’s hyped up.
    She spends a lot and bought like 15 pair of shoes.
    She moved out from her parents and moved in a older couple basement that they rent out. Something she clearly did to go in her own cocoon.
    She was also in denial about all the weird stuff she did back in the day and seemed to try to make sense of it all.
    She was partying, clubbing, bars, dudes after dudes, drinking, drugs… You name it she did it.
    It’s like she never even cryied a tear for me all this time? This girl on meds told me and my cousin it would take her over a year to get over me. It’s so crazy how they can change overnight.
    This girl was a stable girl with me for 5 years.
    She wanted to get to know me again and see where it goes.

    She wanted to see me but I got sick.” Maybe a sign from above?”
    Called me to come help me paint and move out, so I agreed. I contacted her later to confirm to see if she’s coming… But she magically got a job 4 to 12 am… So it was so impossible to see her now.
    3 days later I get a text asking me how I’m doing and when will I be available.
    I finally say when and she shuts me down and disappears from me again.
    I should have listened to bipolar on forums saying don’t talk to them when they are off medications, they will say anything to get you back and then shut you out again.

    It’s just heart breaking. I can’t hate her, and that’s what makes it so hard, I wish I could. She was the love of my life, all the amazing things we did together, never did I imagine her hurting me like this… “But, I know it’s not her” And that’s what hurts, and no one here relates to me in my family. Only people online can understand, it sucks. I cry all the time, thinking the day she told me how scared she was to go off medication, because years before me she went really bad and she admitted it to me. With me 5 years and no problems, it wasn’t just me that made her that way it was the medication, and I don’t know if her parents realize this.

    Don’t know if I’ll ever hear from her, but I’m torned and destroyed. Don’t know what I did in my past life to deserve this. All I wanted was a normal life with someone special next to me. She got me, she understood me, she excepted me for me.
    She was my first Love. “I’m 35”
    I miss her dearly. God Bless Sunshine.

  50. We like to say there is The Theory; and the practice. There is a “needle to thread” For us it
    means staying aware of what we do and say as a
    BiPolar couple. We don’t lock each other out.
    WE say I’m Sorry; and Thank you. We stay present,
    and help guide each other toward balance. Love is
    a wonderful way to be loved. I am more balanced,
    less affected by Mental Illness. My Love helps me
    to give her my softness, a hug, a cry together.
    When there is a break down or rejection. Theres no reason to get all bent out of shape. You give
    from your heart, you extend your Love, Love is
    learning to snuggle and touch and talk. Laughing
    at how we react, or melt down. We are not hard
    to live with or be friends. I encourage every
    BP. couple to forgive. To say I’m sorry and to
    respect your dignity, her dignity. Most of all
    enjoy your selfs. Go dancing, walking,open your hearts to being good, acting nice, god knows
    we all need to feel; Loved.

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