I can usually tell when a loved one is upset with me. They sulk around the house, bang stuff, slam doors and drawers, avoid eye contact, and stop talking to me. Maybe I know the signs because I engage in the same behaviors when I’m upset.

Until relatively recently, however, I didn’t fully grasp how abusive the silent treatment can be. A major client of mine “went dark” on me. The client had failed to pay me upon completion of a project. Payment was about two months late.

After repeated phone calls and e-mail messages that never produced a payment, I stopped providing services, responding to e-mail messages, and returning phone calls.

After several days, I realized that wasn’t working for me, so I tried calling and e-mailing my contacts at that business again… several times a day for about four days. No response. I couldn’t believe the client had the gall to go dark on me. After all, I had delivered on my end of the bargain!

I was furious, but not knowing what the client was thinking and what was going on behind the scenes was sheer torture. It left me wondering would I ever receive payment? Should I consult an attorney? Did I do something or say something so terrible that my client decided to never hire me again? If none of my contacts at the business were talking to me, then someone at the top must have told them to stop. Why? My mind filled the void with all sorts of negative scenarios, turning on itself because it had nowhere else to turn.

Later, I learned that the payment had been delayed because of contract snafus and because someone at the top had failed to approve the payments. My contacts, the people under that person at the top, had gone incommunicado because they were afraid of saying something to implicate their boss as the cause of the non-payment issue. The boss called me, explained what had happened, and apologized profusely. I felt instant relief. Although I still didn’t have the payment in hand, I now had a rational explanation to relieve my mind and the assurance that I did not lose a valuable client and would ultimately receive payment, without having to hire an attorney.

That experience really drove home the message of how cruel it is to give someone the silent treatment. So, in this post, I call for an end to giving people the silent treatment. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling is probably not as painful to your loved one as what your loved one imagines.

Of course, it’s best to remain diplomatic. What’s on your mind in the midst of relationship turmoil doesn’t always reflect your true thoughts and feelings – you might say something you later regret. If you don’t feel prepared to discuss the situation, say so, and give your loved one some assurance that you will talk about it when you feel less emotional. Also, remind loved ones that you love them even if you’re not saying much at the moment. This will help prevent all of the worst case scenarios your loved one might be imagining; for example, that you’ve stopped loving them and that’s why you’re not talking to them. Then, when the situation calms down, open up about what you’re feeling and thinking. This isn’t going to settle every disagreement, but it’s a crucial first step in resolving issues and obtaining a sense of closure.

Photo by plenty.r., available under a Creative Commons attribution license.

Comments

This post currently has no comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

Trackbacks

    Last reviewed: 25 May 2011