I have bipolar disorder

Amy, so do I. I feel I am only happy when manic and my mania tends to be characterised by overspending (the only negative), full of confidence and motivation and a feeling that life is too short. Sadly, when in a depressive episode I feel that life is not worth living.
I have been in my current depressive episode since mid July and just find that everything is overwhelming and too much of an effort. I manage to work and function on a daily basis but feel there must be more to life than this monotony. My marriage has survived and my biggest fear is that my children will inherit the disorder. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Although I take my medication, sadly both manic and depressive episodes manage to overide it and still control my life.

I am a male, married to a “bipolar” female. We have been married 22 years.

The truth is, there’s not much difference between her bipolar and schizophrenia. Same meds for both.

Zyprexa is the only drug that has ever made her close to “right”. But it causes alarming weight gain. She has been on Seroquel for the past 7 years, and I think it’s less effective than a placebo. Since she has been on Seroquel, she has been mean as a snake and a keg of dynamite.

She does not handle stressful situations at all, and even on the meds, she is constantly about 3 seconds from a major explosion. We have to tip-toe around her, and avoid any conflict. If she gets started on something that really troubles her, it’s like a mouse caught in the bottom of a bucket, running around frantically.

She is really sneaky about going and doing whatever she wants and uses her mental illness as a club to get her way.

Every couple of years, she goes off her meds and ends up institutionalized.

The first thing the medicos ask me is “What are YOU doing to this poor girl to make her crazy?”

Every time, I have to explain that I am her best friend and gladiator.

It gets really, REALLY old.

Shortly after we got married, she burnt down an abandoned schoolhouse. She was charged with arson. In court, the judge severely chastised ME for “not keeping her under control”, threatened me with jail if I didn’t “keep her under control” in the future. He also fined ME $800.

Six months later, her feminist counselor was chewing me out about being “manipulative and controlling”. I told her that she needed to get together with the judge and decide which it was going to be.

The good times are good. Bad times really bad. She is incompetent and disabled, but insists on being BOSS and micro-managing everybody’s lives. Every one of the kids (mine from previous marriage and OURS together) have fled our home the moment they got old enough.

She had 3 sons from her first marriage. 2 of them also have developed schizophrenia. They are both almost 30 years old now. One is a criminally insane thug who is “institutionalized”. The other one keeps being sent back to us because there are NO “institutions” for insane people who are not criminals. He is on Seroquel too. Even though he theoretically has an IQ of 165, he has no ambition or desire to do anything or make anything of himself. And doesn’t have to, because the system and his momma shoves him right up my…nose. She kept bringing the criminal one back too, every time he got out of jail, until I started calling the cops every time he showed up.

Only my Christian faith causes me to remain married to her. And it has cost me dearly. My house really IS a “Residential Treatment Center”, but it all comes out of my pocket. I am their welfare system.

And that’s what it’s like being married to someone who is “bipolar”. I do not recommend it.

Les Miserables,
I can relate in a little. My busband and son are also ill with bi-polar w/psychosis (son) and bi-polar type 2 (husband). I know it’s tough to feel like your house is an RTC since no one will help. We have our good and bad time too. (They said our house will turn into simliar like yours in the future so I appreciate your candor) I’ve heard similair claims and know how tough of a spiritual battle it all is. Faith has helped me get through all of it. Know that your suffering will never go unnoticed and that your “reward” for your patience, compassion and kindness lies for you in heaven. In some way, they are a gift from God, admist all the trouble.
I know that doesn’t make your life any easier to cope with now, but know that there are a rare few who can relate. Maybe your purpose is to help bring light to your situation, so that the rare group will that we can all help each other.
Hopefullied for your future
Lois

Being married in this situation has been helpful and tough. In a interesting way, my husband and son have helped each other through their difficulties. They understand each other like no one else can and relate by comforting each other. Sure, it’s hard to see and even frustrating that I cannot secure the help to help them, but in an odd way, maybe I am. I am the vehicle that brought the two of them together. When things are like that, I let them be, rather than forcing a situation that I think would be “ok”. If they are happy, then I let them be. I am happy knowing that they are. On the rough days, my husband enjoys his alone time and I have learned to let him be. I get a break. For my son, I provide him a safe place to be and the same. I keep an eye from a distance. it’s a really rough situation to get used to, but once you do, the new way provides you the peace that we all crave.

I am bipolar and have been married for eight mostly happy years and I have been hell to deal with when I am manic. I am very direct take no prisoner take of tough when I am manic. I love life and the people in it. But when I am depressive I have a hard as hell time seeing the rhyme or reason for my life it is banana’s! I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster waiting to get off. I am handling thing much better with time and therapy than I did when I first was diagnosed but I am a long way from cured. My husband is a patient man and one of the best things in my life. I don’t always feel like he is but really he is a great person and I could have done a lot worse in the husband department. And I for my part am a great asset to our family as well. I am the figurative oil that keeps the car a purring!

I am bipolar. I am gay. I have been married to a wonderful guy for 14 years, but I decided to end the relationship because there was no sex anymore. After I broke up I have started a new relationship that has been going on for 8 months. I am not very happy in this relationship. I broke up recently, but decided to try again. Yesterday I almost broke up again. Sometimes I wonder if my destiny is to be alone. I know I can be really hard to deal with, but I try do my part, I take the medicine, go to the doctor and the shrink, I also try to stop and analyze the situation as often as I can because I know how difficult I can be. I am a psychologist and a MA on Psychoanalysis, but that doesn’t make me any easier to deal with. I try to offer something to my partners to compensate. Anyway, being bipolar is part of who I am, I can’t help it, I have to live with it, I don’t have a choice, but people have a choice to have a realtionship with me or not.

My husband is bipolar and we have been married for 9 years. I love him dearly and we have been through both manic and depressive episodes. As long as he takes his lithium he is fine. However, (and I dont know if this is him or the disorder), he has never acknowledged that any of the problems/issues that have surfaced during his mania are because of his disorder. He has periodically gone off (or reduced) his intake of medication. We have 2 small children and life can be hell when he is off his meds. But once he gets back on them and stabilizes, it is as though he disassociates himself from his past behavior. Right now we are dealing with the effect of his last episode which resulted in some very rash business decisions on his part, but he does not mention his state of mind at all when discussing how he came to thos decisions. It is very scary.

I’m bipolar. I am now separated from my husband. Apparently I wasn’t crazy enough. He left and is now seeing a couple of women with borderline personality disorder, one of whom is also bipolar.

People who are mentally ill are on a constant treadmill, in a gerbil Ferris wheel, a vicious circle.

After an episode, they are faced with the consequences of not only the last episode, but accumulation of past episodes.

They suffer crushing embarrassment, and humiliation in the community. Friends don’t last long. You can “counsel” with them until you are blue in the face and it makes no difference. Only the dope works, and sometimes not that well.

Then there’s dealing with the legal system. As if you don’t have enough problems, there’s criminal mischief or disorderly conduct charges to deal with, ambulance rides and hospital costs to pay.

Not to mention the ridiculous stuff that was purchased or *really bad* “decisions” made.

All of which is more stress on the mentally ill person, which can send them off into yet another episode.

Responsibility is a bear, for the mentally ill person AND their family.

Seems to me like some sort of “Early Intervention” system would be a great idea.

My experience is that calling the “professionals” asking for help when a situation is getting out of hand, involves disbelief and rebuff by the “professionals”. Even BLAME for “making them crazy”.

Those of us who live with mentally ill people, trying to keep them out of trouble, we should receive the “benefit of the doubt” when we call for help.

~By the way~

If my wife found out I was typing these messages, all hell would break loose.

We are supposed to play pretend that there’s no problem and it’s all a big “secret”.

When she finds out I have said anything, the war is on and the *Threat Level* can go *Way Up*.

It’s no fun.

Hi…I am recently divorced from someone who has bipolar, and I was treated very badly for 13 years…One day, with no warning, my wife said, “I don’t love you, I have not loved you in a long time, and I’m divorcing you.” Low and behold, after all the work I have done to keep our marriage together, and keeping us out of trouble, it ended this way…The manic episodes, and anger started early in our relationship when I was finding out about her anger problem…She had a very hard time getting along with my family, her co-workers and our friends. Her friends would exclude her from many clicks, and she would find ways to compensate…i.e. threatening me with violence, throwing things at me, verbal abuse, spending beyond our means, searching for things she or I could not attain…She threatened me with putting my house up for second mortgage or she would divorce me and take everything, all so she could start a business selling make up…After 13 years, I’m sort of finding out, after being alone without explaination from her, that I may be post-traumatic from being emotionally and mentally abused from my ex-wife with bipolar…I don’t know what to do, but I guess I need to put closure to things and get my self esteem, spirit, and my life back together after the dust has settled…I am left in financial ruin, was close to bankruptcy, but have worked my way outta that hole…I go to work everyday, and go to bed everynight asking myself why and what could have I done differently. She has moved in with her boyfriend who she has nothing in common with, as to get outta debt…I am left holding on to the huge mortgage, I had to refinance to get her name off of car, house, and other loans she did, but as I said I have worked my way outta that hole…Is there anything, I could do to try and regain the spirit I once had, and the zeal that kept me going…I am now about outta gas trying to figure why my old soul is worried about this, but there seems to be so many questions unanswered, and so many things that need to be put back in place in my life after the healing and the hurt stop…What’s next for me?

I don’t know DIRECTLY how it’s like to be married to someone with BD!
My mum is bibolar and she has been married to my dad for 21 years! As far as i can remember, their relationship was always like a roller coaster. There were good and bad times!

Since i was a little girl, i’ve noticed my dad’s effort to make his marriage go on the right way. Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible! The manic episodes of my mother were stronger than anything and they just took control of any situation!

I’m very close to my dad! I love him so much, because he always protected me when my mother had her horrible episodes and she tried to hurt me!

They are still married! I really don’t know why! I think he wants to take care of her ’cause he feels that without him my mother would lose control of herself and maybe would end up hurting or even killing herself! (She’s very violent when she’s in her manic episodes)

I really want the best for my dad! And ….maybe that’s why i think he should slipt up with my mother! She only causes troubles and more troubles…..and that’s very frustrating!

So, i can say that I’ve been a witness to a marriage with someone who is bipolar…..and it’s terrible for the other partner and also for the kids!

pd: Sorry for my awful english! I just wanted to share my experience!

I really hoping someone has an answer

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I know you spouses must go through hell at time dealing with us that are BP and you have to be a saint to continue to put up with it all those years. My husband and I have a unique situation, I think it is. At least I hope it is and others don’t have to deal with what we do. I was diagnosed two years ago with BP right after we got married and I know when i am manic and angry it’s hard on him, and I hate myself for it. I don’t get the mania and do not have any spending/shopping issues. I am so sorry for all of you that have to deal with those problems on top of the manic and anger episodes. It must be so hard. But I go through a lot with him, and his son, as well. He has schizophernia with psychosis. He was diagnosed three years ago. As long as he stays on his meds he doesn’t have any real problems. Unlike me, I get manic and angry meds or not. Sometimes it hard to get him to take his meds. I have been trying to keep us on an a schedule of taking our meds together each night to help us both stay on track. On top of all this, my step son who is 10 yrs old and with us every other weekend, a month during the summer and a week at a time here and there throughout the year, has aspergers. And let me tell you, this apartment can get really small when there are three crazy people in it and none of us are having a good day!lol. I have had to laugh at that at times to keep from going over the edge! So I can understand both sides of it, having a mental illness that some one has to deal with and having to care for and deal with others that have one. It can all be very overwhelming at times and can be just too much. But, we work through it. I don’t know if both of us being sick makes it easier on us, because we understand what each other is going through, or if it is harder on us because we are both sick. Good luck to all of you and thanks again for sharing. Take care everyone!

bipolar disorder and I have been married for 3 years. My husband is the most patient, caring, understanding, wonderful man. I can only imagine the pain, confusion and embarrassment I have caused him. I have had this diagnosis for 14 years and have learned over time how to structure my life and take precautionary measures to prevent episodes. My manic episodes are wretched and I become violent, paranoid and abusive (in every sense of the word). At first, I scared him, but now my husband has become my watchdog for my symptoms & will be the first one to point out if I show any signs of relapse. I used to have a tendency to go off my meds (surprise, surprise). After he woke up one night with my standing over him - screaming and bleeding all over the place - he had me hospitalized. I was angry at first, but we have had an amazing relationship since. I trust him with my life and I have vowed to NEVER go off my meds again. Every relationship has to struggle with one thing or another - according to him, being married to his “Bipolar Wonder Woman” has been a learning experience and a test in his strength and his commitment our life together.
Side note: I am a productive member of society. I work as a Psychologist at a prison, as a clinical family coordinator for at risk youth and am back in school. While I may be a source of stress for my husband at times (and occasionally temporarily suck the life out of him), I am the bread winner of the family and I try to use my experience with mental illness for the benefit of others, as well as to propel me to do better, learn more & remain stable. I respect my husband more than anyone and I think the world of people that can see being married to a mentally ill individual as a chance to grow.

Charlie-

Yes, living with mentally ill people IS traumatic for those around them. Walking on egg-shells, knowing that an explosion can happen any minute over who knows what. We get really sick and tired of the mindless drama.

But we do NOT have any inherited disorder, and we don’t need bad advice from “professionals”. We certainly do NOT need the drugs that they would prescribe to “help you deal with it”.

Life is full of traumatic experiences and we are resilient and adaptable. We CAN “buck up and get over it”.

It used to be a common skill.

Lois Zurita

You said your husband and son, \”…understand each other like no one else can and relate by comforting each other.\” That is great that they have someone to understand them. Sometimes when two people have MI and are living together, it causes extra conflicts, BUT sometimes, it is helpful, in that they can relate to one another and understand where the other one is coming from. My nephew has OCD, which I used to deal with (these days I only have small tendancies), and while none of our parents seem to understand, I understand what he does and why he does it, having been there myself. It\’s nice to have someone to relate to. I try to share the knowledge of the illness with him, let him know I can relate and understand, let him feel heard and not judged over the OCD, and try to help his family understand why he\’s the way he is.

You are right- if it wasn\’t for you, they would not have each other. You can offer to listen to them and learn to understand their situation, too. You don\’t have to an illness to gain some understanding. You can let them know you\’re there to listen and will try to understand. You seem to be a wonderful wife and mother from your post.

It\’s good they have each other, BUT keep this in mind- they prob. need someone in their life who doesn\’t have the same illness to the degree they do. I think it\’s important my nephew has me because we relate so much to one another, and maybe I can also give him the benefit of my experience, BUT if he had been my child, my illness might have affected my ability to help him in OTHER ways, in which his parents are helpful to him. I have little drive, sadly, most of the time, and he seems to lack drive a lot of times, also. I am not sure if I could have kept him as driven as they do, to get him do what he needs to do. They are very important to his well being. He needs all of us, and loves all of us. Your son and husband are lucky to have each other- AND they are lucky to have you! They need you, too. Good luck with your situation!

I have Bipolar Disorder, and I have been married for three years (together for a total of six). I’m not one of those people that gets full-blown mania. I tend to have depression and episodes that are close but not quite mixed states. My issues have been controlled by medication for about two years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs but is rewarding overall.

My husband says that the depression is hard. He feels like it’s his fault, and that he needs to fix me. I repeatedly tell him it’s not, but he doesn’t understand how someone could think about suicide.

One thing that I strive to do is communicate how I am feeling. If I’m in a fit of rage, I tell my husband that I need to go outside - and I do it. If I need to cry, I say “It’s not your fault, but I need to cry right now.” You get the idea.

I make it a point to get to the doctor before a full-blown episode occurs. That isn’t doable for everyone as some people get hit with symptoms really fast or they’re insight could be better. I make all of my appointments, eat right, stay active, and try to keep my support network going.

I also try to educate him (since he won’t crack open a book himself!). I think it helps. I’ve tried to educate myself on my issues so that I can better communicate my needs to others.

I also try to stay away from triggers. I don’t work a full 40 hours a week. My husband has to pick up some financial slack (which I hate), but I can’t do 40 hours. Just can’t right now. We have a four month old and sometimes I need to take something to sleep and have him get up so I don’t get symptomatic.

I am by no means perfect. But I think our relationship works. He says it does.

Oh, one more thing - I encourage those who have a loved one with a mental illness to find a support group, attend therapy with their loved one every so often, and read up on their disorder. Support and knowledge are important!

My wife of 18 years has recently (as in 2 days ago she was dragged away by the authorities after my son attempted to commit suicide three times partly becuase of school and her) been diagnosed with Bipolar many of the females and one male of her family have had it and well its really really tough. She is telling me all sorts of things all the tie she has delusions and I am only begining to really how hard this is if she stays with me. I love her and only want her back whole. Other people are saying, (friends ) that i have assisted the authorities in violating her rights, she has written a book stroke diary of sorts thats seems to be mad beyond belief and well written but the whole thing is really scary. She dosnt believe she has anything wrong with her, but I dunno. She wants to take our youngest away I am loathe to do that. I am begining to think this is mad. I am mostly alone.

I’ve been married to my “bipolar boy” for 14 years. He was diagnosed about 10 years ago. I find it interesting that most people say the mania is the worst part. I welcome the mania - it is the depressions that I can’t handle, and the anger that sometimes comes. He can be snippy and mean at times, but usually is sweet and caring and has been my best friend. The mania reminds him life is worth living, and reminds me, too. It gives him energy and confidence that he otherwise lacks. He has recenty come off his meds and is finally becoming again the man I met 14 years ago - the man who had goals and energy and desires to be productive in life. The meds zapped all his energy and he spent about 10 years doing not much of anything while I worked to support us… that was not fun. I prefer him without the meds and I welcome his bursts of hypomania.

I do have bipolar 1 as my mother did (she committed suicide after many attempts when I was 15). I don’t think anyone should allow being married to an unstable bipolar spouse ruin their life. YOU deserve some joy & happiness & peace in your life. But I DO believe having a supportive, loving & understanding spouse is crucial for the marriage to survive. My father pretty much moved out (which was very irresponsible to leave us kids w/my mother when she was relaeased from the mental institution) as he KNEW how unwell & dangerous she was. Her 1st “symptom” was calling him at work one day out of the blue telling him she was going to kill the children & then herself. He did send the cops & then started the whole awful ordeal of her suffering from this illness. She couldn’t be helped. She got ECT’s, tried all the meds (this was in the 60’s & 70’s) & she fled from the USA when she found out my father was in the process of getting her involuntarily committed. She actually wrote him a letter stating she wanted to get a lobotomy (she had some rare moments of insight that she was really ill).

So when I had my 1st suicide attempt at 15 (a couple mos. before she returned to the USA & killed herself within days of her return), the boarding school my father had put us in (he did not want to hear about my sadness or turmoil; he got ANGRY when I became depressed & attempted suicide as the school said I had to be out 2 weeks & I’m assuming they told him to get me some psychological help–which didn’t happen). He just left me alone on his yacht (where he was living) & I swallowed every pill there, but he only had cold meds & aspirin.

But I met my future husband at the boarding school & actually the dorm parents could tell my father didn’t really care about me & called my boyfriend to come to the hospital as he was off campus visiting his parents when I was having my stomach pumped (they didn’t call my father or couldn’t reach him until the next day).

As an aside, his parents tried to break us up (even to the point of withdrawing him from the school without telling me; my future husband convinced them that he should return to the boarding school & me–though it has been tough (we married when I had just turned 20 & he was 22; he went on to graduate school & has become very successful in his field) but his mother especially was very rude & mean to me I was not good enough for her son–plus I had the awful history of mother’s suicide; his father was much more personable as we shared a love of literature.

So we have been together for 45 years as a committed couple & 35 yrs. of marriage. It has been hard for HIM & for ME. I had mostly depression & a few episodes of hypo mania which I loved but I did do the overspending, getting involved in every committee or volunteer group under the sun.

I went to so many docs & therapists to no avail. My husband supported me, stuck with me (our “theme” song is “Happy to be Stuck with You”–yes, we are old!!).

But when I finally got the correct dx of bipolar 1 (was in an extreme mixed episode at the time) it was such a relief for him & for me to find out that all my behaviors & thoughts had an origin in this illness. I wasn’t purposefully trying to make our life chaotic.

But I think individual therapy & I also do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which have been so beneficial–same therapist) as I had done therapy for years w/different therapists with no success. DBT is teaching me skills to deal with my over sensitivity, tendency towards depression & sometimes paranoia.

Meds helped me tremendously (Abilify, Lamictal, Xanax, Concerta, Provigil, Trazodone–and once had to have Wellbutrin added during one winter–got off it in the spring–use one of those full-spectrum lights).

But as I am getting elderly (55) I am concerned about the lack of evidence of side effects in the older population. I also gained 50 lbs. in 12 yrs. on Abilify. It WORKED in helping my thinking & get rid of the paranoia & got me to the point of being able to benefit from DBT & indiv. therapy.

But now I have to take medfs for high cholesterol & blood pressure & blood sugar is testing in the diabetic range. So have been off Abilify for 6 mos. or so (w/provider’s agreement for me to try this as DBT seems to be helping me so much), lowering Lamictal–had to up it a couple mos. ago due to severe anxiety (was on 300 mg for about 12 yrs.; then dropped to 200 mg; then to 100 mg for about 8 mos. but due to some symptoms appearing have agreed to follow her recommendation to increase Lamictal for a couple mos. & add back Trazodone as sleeping is not doing well).

BUT I have added a lot to my husband’s life. I am a person of value–loyal, loving, entertaining (in an off the wall kind of way!), excellent mother (at least to the best of my ability & took parenting classes, read books, etc. to do the best I could as I love my children so & they are thriving–law prof. & civil engineer).

My husband consoles me when I am depressed (he doesn’t like my over sensitivity but DBT is helping me learn to have better attitudes & behaviors & I’m not doing rash behaviors like suicide attmepts), but I am the first to say if you are so MISERABLE & there is nothing positive in your marriage–you shouldn’t suffer so. GET OUT!! Divorce the partner w/the mental illness. You deserve some joy in your life, too.

We actually DO have some joy & my husband is amazing in that sometimes I will apologize about some bad behavior I did or comments due to being “triggered” & he will not remember the incident!! I was amazed & he just said he prefers to concentrate on the positive (His glass is at least 3/4 full), not dwell on the hard times. He expresses his love & commitment to me even though I have a hard time accepting it.

To you miserable spouses who have posted, I would definitely talk to a therapist who knows about the disorder & help YOU figure out what you want out of your life. Again, I don’t think you should be saddled w/the misery you are describing.

All my best to you…

Don’t be a martyr. If your life is so unfortunate & untenable, GET OUT!! You are not helping your “sick” spouse with your enduring being married & having such a negative attitude (I don’t blame you for that attitude from the circumstances you describe). At some point you need to decide am I helping? Am I in too much pain? Is it an impossible situation?

Has anyone ever gotten severely hurt from the manic violence of there partner? My partner has been very abusive and even broke my nose and I have very sever head injuries that I never seeked medical attention for. I am a female who gets man handled all of the time by my male husband. We have two small children. My life is so… hard!!!

AMY-

I am the male husband of a “bipolar” wife. She often says extremely hurtful things, and sometimes becomes violent. The psychs and the system don’t care.

However, in your case, the system is nuclear-powered to deal with violent men.

You don’t have to put up with it.

Eventually, the guy is going to attract the attention of Childrens Protective Services and THEY ARE GOING TO BLAME YOU for allowing the children to even see his violence.

CPS is not your friend. There is a world of hell down the road for you.

Do a web search for FIGHT CPS and learn how to protect your children from being kidnapped and sold by CPS for the Federal Funding Streams.

I am overwhelmed. I spent two hours sobbing in a parking lot. My marriage is overwhelming, and I can’t do much to help his bipolar or anger. It DOES get OLD. Really, REALLY old. I agree.

Well, since this is at Psych Central, perhaps the message will get out to the psychs to LISTEN TO THE MARRIED PARTNER.

In any other setting, the abusive behaviors would be INTOLERABLE. But just because they are “mentally ill” they get some sort of “politically correct” protection.

The truth is, we live in a schizophrenic society that is disintegrating back to the Stone Age and the government employees and their contractors who are supposed to be HELPING, are NOT.

It’s like they are playing a game.

Well?? Are they?