Bipolar Disorder Dilemma: Insensitive Jerk or Irresponsible Oaf?

By Joe Kraynak
September 22, 2009

When you’re in a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder and seems to be exhibiting symptoms of mania or hypomania, you’re likely to face the dilemma of whether to say anything:

If you honestly express your observations by saying something like, “You seem like you’re getting a little manic,” you may come across as the insensitive jerk who blames everything on bipolar disorder and is unwilling to take responsibility for problems in the relationship. Furthermore, you may be on the receiving end of some nasty accusations, such as actually wanting your loved one “locked up” or “medicated into a stupor.”
If you bite your tongue, you risk the very real possibility that your loved one will end up hospitalized, spiraling out of control, and perhaps even landing in the hospital, in jail, or worse, in which case you’re now the irresponsible oaf who failed to see what was going on and get help for your loved one.

So what do you do?

Shameless disclaimer: I know this may come across as insensitive, but I believe this is exactly how some loved ones feel in the midst of bipolar mania – at least it’s how I feel at times – and I want to capture the essence of the accompanying frustration and anger. I know it’s even tougher for people who are experiencing mania and may lack the insight to seek help for themselves. But it’s also very difficult for loved ones to know what to do. Hopefully, we can eventually move past the frustration and anger to discover or develop practical, effective, and compassionate approaches for dealing with such situations.

Hope you’re not waiting for an answer, because I’m the one asking the question here. I’m asking you – If you’ve encountered a situation like this with a loved one, how did you react? What did you do? Was your approach successful or not in getting help for your loved one?

Tune in next week for Dr. Fink’s answer and insights.

In 1999, my wife, Cecie, experienced her first major manic episode. She ended up in St. Vincent’s Stress Center, where she was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. She has been hospitalized a total of three times – all for mania. She rarely experiences the debilitating depression that many people with bipolar disorder struggle with. We have two children together, both of whom are pretty much adults at this point. Over the past decade or so, we’ve struggled to coexist with this disease. At times, it seems to be a cruel puppet master pulling our strings to act out some demented drama on the stage we call our home. Most times, we manage to keep this beast chained up, through a combination of medicine and therapy, but occasionally it escapes and turns our home inside out. In 2005, I had the good fortune to co-author Bipolar Disorder For Dummies with Dr. Candida Fink. In the process, I learned a great deal about bipolar disorder and strategies for treating it, preventing major mood episodes, and dealing with the fallout when preventive measures are ineffective. Through this blog, I hope to share what I’ve learned about bipolar while I continue to discover even more.

Related Posts

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Links to This Article

From Psych Central's Dr. Candida Fink & Joe Kraynak:
What To Do When a Loved One with Bipolar Shows Symptoms of Mania | Bipolar Beat (September 29, 2009)

3 Comments to
“Bipolar Disorder Dilemma: Insensitive Jerk or Irresponsible Oaf?”

Zottal at 10:46 am on September 23rd, 2009

My husband will nudge me gently maybe to take a second sleeping pill,
at night or just stop talking. I always hear it the love in his voice, whatever he says. Hospitalization is mostly out of the question.
I have been doing very well with maintenance meds for ten years but, for better or worse, have not erased the bipolar personality.

mc at 3:45 pm on September 25th, 2009

My husband and I sat down years ago and made kind of a “contract” for dealing with my illness that helps us both look objectively at situations when mood shifts occur. He knows me and my warning signs well and we listed all this out on paper together. When I start exhibiting symptoms I give up my credit cards and will take my PRN meds as indicated. And he also will let me know when I need to see the dr. I think developing this plan together and writing it down has been the biggest help though that way it’s more of a team approach - he wants me well and I don’t want to hurt him. We did this on our own but I know some people who have worked with their therapists to develop their plans too.

thelma at 7:25 pm on September 27th, 2009

my best friend (I may have to say former best friend) has been maniac all summer and refusing to see it. I am angry and so I avoid her because I don’t want to risk saying something that I will regret. She would come up with ideas and then get mad at me for not going along with them. She blogs and went so far as to say “people are just jealous they didn’t think of my ideas first”. They are not great ideas.

Then there is the self-centered behavior. I call, email, text and ask her how she is. She will respond sometimes but just with a reply never does she ask about me. It is all about her. Because she blogs it is very interesting to see inside her mind. She actually blogs “I love my mania”. I can understand if someone doesn’t realize they are maniac but to type out the words and post them on the internet. At some point she needs to be responsible.

She has been playing with her meds all year either reducing or forgetting. Now of course she is in full blown depression, sleeping all day, missing work. Again all in denial why it is happening totally ignoring that she has not been taking her meds as prescribed.

I am tired and I want a real reciprocal two way relationship. I am not going to say anything because what is the point. She has an illness. I don’t want to cause pain. I am sorry that she has this disease as there are no others that create narcissism like bipolar..even cancer would be better as you can still have empathy. I miss my friend but even when this passes I am not sure I can trust my heart with the possibility that her brain will not tell her to stop taking her meds starting this rollercoaster all over again.
Bipolar is the worst disease in the world.